


I Never Expected You

by AstoundinglyMade



Series: Working our way home [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Bisexual Remus Lupin, Depression, Drunk Remus Lupin, F/M, Gay Sirius Black, Getting Together, James Potter is a Good Friend, Lily Evans Potter is a Good Friend, M/M, Relationship Negotiation, Remus Lupin Needs a Hug, Sad Sirius Black, Self-Acceptance, Sirius Black & James Potter Friendship, Sirius Black & Lily Evans Potter Friendship, St Mungo's Hospital, Teacher Remus Lupin, Werewolf Politics, Werewolf Remus Lupin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-09
Updated: 2019-08-15
Packaged: 2020-06-25 05:02:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 26
Words: 60,885
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19738855
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AstoundinglyMade/pseuds/AstoundinglyMade
Summary: A sequel to Overwhelming the Other Side.Remus had returned to France with the understanding that he'll make a choice about his relationship with Sirius by half term."You're making this impossible, Sirius." His voice is tired, almost as if he'd been enjoying a quiet night and someone called to yell at him out of the blue."Yes, Moony. This is what fighting for something you want looks like." Sirius knows he could be kinder but he's running out of time, and he's still angry even if he's beginning to lose touch with why. "You should try it sometime. It hurts like hell when it fails, but you never walk away feeling like you could have done more. I might lose you, but I will never have to live knowing I just let you just walk away."





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to everyone for your good spirited hate mail about the unresolved ending to Overwhelming the Other Side. I hope you find what you're looking for here, just know that it was never going to be easy.

Remus is doing the washing up after breakfast when the letter arrives. The owl is stately, usually a bad sign in Remus' experience, and the roll of parchment is closed formally, with the crossed wand and bone seal that signifies St. Mungo's. Right then, this will need a proper cup of tea and a chair.

_ Well, it's addressed to me and not my registration number, could be worse _ , Remus muses, while breaking the seal. "Cordially invite you to participate in a series of seminars focusing on the practical use of magic…your demonstrated skill in self defense and protective charms…personal experience with lycanthropy offers an unparalleled suitability…please reply at your earliest convenience…" And there it is, Sirius Black, Senior Healer, Department of Persistent Maladies. He re-reads the letter twice more before draining his tea and picking up the phone.

"You could have just said you wanted me to visit."

"Would you have come?" Sirius doesn't miss a beat. He's been expecting the call.

"..."

"Right. So, will you be accepting the invitation?" Remus can hear the subtle tremor beneath Sirius' words. He's trying to sound much calmer than he is.

"Is the timing deliberate?"

"Of course. If you're going to turn me down, I'm going to make you do it to my face, Remus." The 'of course' is staccato but his voice sighs around the words until the name is released as little more than an exhale.

"Fuck."

"Stop that. The offer is genuine. It's my signature on the letter, but it was the people putting the series together that put your name on the list. Whatever you're thinking, don't turn them down on my account."

There's a rustle down the line as if Remus is shifting in his seat, maybe shuffling papers? Regardless, Sirius suspects it's a nervous kind of movement. "Okay. Yeah, I'll come. I'll send the owl later today."

"Great. They'll be happy to hear it… And, hey, I can stay out of your way while you're here, if you'd like. There's a stipend for a hotel as part of the compensation so..."

"Pads." Remus' voice is soft when he breaks through the rambling. "I'd rather stay at home, yeah?"

Sirius is grateful for the armchair just behind him as his knees give out. Home. He counts six heartbeats before he's able to speak.

"Yeah, okay, that's… yeah."

"I'll tell you once I figure out the travel part. Come get me at the airport?" Still soft, like he knows Sirius is barely holding it together.

"I'll be there."  _ Anywhere. Always. Whatever you need. Please come home _ .

"I've got to get back…"

"Sure. Love you."

"Pads…"  _ Shit. I can't keep doing this. He's going to say no. He asked for time to think and I keep pushing. Please understand that I can't help it. _ Sirius feels his heart race into the silence. "Love you too." And then the quietest of clicks.

When the line clicks and goes dead, Sirius curls the receiver into his chest and pulls his legs up, knees covering his arms, the phone, protectively. Remus. Remus is coming home.

It's been four weeks of restless nights and throwing himself into his work and trying desperately to stop thinking about Remus and THE KISS, and the way his curls were so soft and his lips were even softer, impossibly soft. His body feels at once traitorous and more alive then he's ever known it, but the guilt of bringing himself off with thoughts of the calloused pads of Remus' fingers, or the way his neck tightens as he looks up to meet Sirius' eye is weighing on him like a leaden cloak. He can't remember the last time he hasn't had to instinctively turn the shower tap to cold.

Reluctantly, eventually, Sirius hangs up the phone and walks into Remus' room to finish getting ready for work. He's got patients to see and a management meeting he is very much not looking forward to in the afternoon, but Remus called, because Remus is coming home, and for now that has to be enough.

To say that the four weeks that Remus has been back in France have been draining would be an understatement. It's the messy part of the semester when they've just gotten through the awkward fumbling of getting everyone on the same page, and now they've got to get the bulk of the work done before assessments and the half term break. On top of everything, Remus is poorly rested, and still sore from last week's transformation. He really does miss the pampering. The surprise care package that arrived, unsigned, two days before the full, bearing hot chocolate charmed to stay warm and the jumper he'd forgotten back in London, should have been comforting but mostly just sent him into the transformation feeling lonely and far from home. Remus is almost happy no one here knows him well enough to recognize that he's worn the jumper every day since, even if it stopped smelling like Sirius two days ago. And to be honest, even if someone had noticed, Remus is sure he wouldn't have cared.

This latest transformation was hard, possibly the hardest he's had since he's been taking Wolfsbane, and there is no doubt his mind as to the cause.  _ Fucking Sirius _ , he mutters as he seals the scroll carrying his formal acceptance of the offer from St. Mungo's. It's not like he thought he'd be able to avoid talking to Sirius about the future of their friendship, or relationship, or whatever you even call a thing that's been going on for as long as you can remember, but also doesn't exist, but he had thought he had more time to figure out how, at least.

His time back in France had been measured in sleepless nights, distracted lectures, and more than a few more missed meals than even he thinks is reasonable, and still Remus has no idea what he'll say. They've sent letters back and forth, inane bits about their lives, some tentative reminiscing about their school days, but it's hard not to see the letters for the censored missives between frightened whatever-they-are's, that they really are. Some days he goes to bed resolved to accept the headmaster's offer to stay on in France only to wake up determined to return to London, but most he spends wavering in the indecisive mess that makes up the no man's land in the middle.  _ Fucking Sirius _ .

  
The one thing that never wavers is how much he wants for Sirius. God, does he want. Ever since their last night in London, ever since The Kiss, all Remus seems to do is want. It doesn't matter that his joints are middle aged, or that he's started having to rely on a cane to get around sometimes, or that he's needing his glasses more and more in the evenings, some parts of his body seem quite convinced that he's fifteen again. He hasn't been so aroused, so often in years. If the last visit back to London was agonizing, this one is going to be unbearable.  _ Fucking Sirius _


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sirius meets with the Board of St Mungo's, gives James an earful, and cuddles with Harry. It's a day.

Sirius shifts in his seat. Nothing makes him feel more like he's back under his mother's thumb than waiting to talk to the hospital Board of Directors in dress robes.  _ You make me wear a uniform for a reason, just let me wear it, he thinks _ , as he tugs the heavy velvet fabric smooth under his left thigh. There is a button from Remus' old school robes in his pocket and Sirius runs it through his fingers, pushing the sharp curve of the edge into the pad of each finger in turn.

"You don't have to believe it to say it. Just say what they need to hear so we can get out of here." It was seventh year, the week before Remus' seventeenth birthday, and the two of them were sharing a cigarette, standing shoulder to shoulder against the wall beside the visitor's entrance to the Ministry. "Look, I know it's bullshit and you know it's bullshit, but that doesn't mean I don't have to do it."

"I just...fuck. I just hate…" Sirius had turned to stand in front of Remus, gripping his biceps tightly, pinning him to the wall. "You're not a monster, Moony. They're the fucking monsters. You, you're…you're my Moony. Better than any of these fuckers. Better than all of us." He'll never forget the way Remus looked away, and down, speaking to his scuffed sneakers, "it doesn't matter what I think, it only matters that…"

"Does it matter what  _ I  _ think, Remus?" Anger making his hand a little too rough as he took Remus' jaw and lifted it to force his eyes forward again. "Because I think I'd trade a thousand of them for one of you. Don't. Don't go in there. We could, I don't know, we could just leave."

"Even you don't believe that, Pads." Remus shook himself free and started toward the phone booth. "Plus, they'd like that, wouldn't they. Why register a werewolf when you can kill one?"

"Okay, okay, fine. But I'm coming with. The whole time. If they want to treat you like an animal they are going to have to do it with me bearing witness." Sirius had stubbed out the butt of his cigarette and made to follow. Remus had only sighed and let his shoulders fall.

"Fine Pads. But if you're coming with you need to understand that the safest thing you can do for me is to play along. They get their number on me and I get some modicum of freedom. You can hate it. I hate it. But you need to let me play along."

Sirius is reliving the smell of Remus' flesh burning under the branding iron as the doors open and a squirrely looking man in shabby robes ushers him into the board room.

Today's meeting is ostensibly a get together with the board of directors to discuss the coming year's budget allocations, but Sirius knows that no one is here to nit pick his numbers. As the head of an initiative pushing to expand services for werewolves in a hospital, fuck it, in a society, determined to treat them poorly, he's worked the better part of the last month carefully crafting his strategy for when they inevitably try to shut him down.

"Mr Black," the older man begins.

"Healer."

"Sorry?"

"Healer Black. I'm here in my capacity as Senior Healer, and I would appreciate being recognized as such."

"Fine then, Healer Black," the sneer unmistakable in his tone. "Why is it that the patrons of St Mungo's should be responsible for paying for your little education programme?"

_ Because werewolves are people? Because you, you bigoted arse wipe, are far more of a monster than any of my patients? Because if you, and your equally disgusting friends on the board of Hogwarts, had given them a chance to be educated properly we wouldn't be here in the first place? Because I'm asking for knuts compared to what you spent on your office redo? _ Instead he grits his teeth and tries to channel his father's formidable posture and tone, "I should think that the patrons of St Mungo's would be interested in investing in magical education for werewolves in the interest of enhancing their ability to participate in our preventative programmes. As you can see from the analysis you have been provided by the auditors of our programme, werewolves with the ability to control their magic require fewer stays in hospital and experience diminished trauma post transformation, thereby requiring fewer treatment resources. In short, werewolves with control over their magic cost the hospital less money, both now, and over time."

"And what of the restrictions on the magical education of werewolves? Or are we to assume all of your patients have received special dispensation from the Ministry?" The voice is new to Sirius, but the face and name are not. Bertram Treadwell, former head of the Department for the Regulation of Magical Creatures, and current pain in the ass. It's not uncommon for older bureaucrats to bolster their sense of self importance by signing on to the board of directors of one institution or another, no doubt if Sirius had kept course as heir to the House of Black he'd have been expected to do the same.

"Thank you for your interest, Mr Treadwell."  _ When in doubt, be complementary. It tends to throw people who can't imagine kindness without an ulterior motive _ . The unexpected courtesy seems to startle the man who momentarily let's his stern expression waver.  _ That's it, old man. Two can play at this game. _ "We have, in fact, received a blanket waiver under the medical research exception. Two of our interns have decided to use our programme as the basis for their graduate research into the long term benefits of preventative care in werewolves. The interns have each received individual permission from their schools, and research supervisors, to oversee the training and have secured permission through the Ministry for the participation of their research subjects. All the pertinent paperwork is included in your package under schedule C."

Sirius works hard to bite back his smug smirk as Mr Treadwell's assistant indicates the relevant bits of parchment, and silently thanks Professor Calder for coming up with this nifty bit of cover. It's not that the experiment isn't real, not even that the research won't be useful in future meetings just like this, when their work inevitably comes under question again, only that they've pushed the whole thing through a little faster than is customary to get all the loose ends tied up in time for this meeting.

"And the subjects." It is the president of the board now. Former healer, known believer in all things 'traditional', and frequent dinner guest in the Black home when Sirius was still welcome there himself, Ignatius Ellerby raises his eyes from the parchment he's been skimming to meet Healer Black's eyes directly. The hint of challenge can't be missed even as they sit opposite each other at the far ends of this massive table. "Will they be provided with wands during these workshops? Are we to be responsible for arming the most dangerous among us and setting them free?"

Sirius slides his left hand into the pocket of his robes and fingers the button there while he stills his heart enough to speak. Calmly  _ now, no one good wins if you lose it now _ . "Healer Ellerby," he starts, grateful to hear that his even tone does not betray the rage that is straining just behind his teeth. "The provisions of the research exception, as granted to us by the Ministry, allow for research subjects."  _ Just get through it. Almost there _ . "To have access to borrowed wands with, and only with, adequate supervision, and only within the rooms allocated to practical lessons, during the prescribed training sessions."  _ Last bit, worst bit. Come on _ . "Please don't misunderstand the purpose of our research. We are not trying to make wizards of these werewolves."  _ Because they are bloody wizards _ , his anger shouts back. "We are only attempting to help them learn to temper their accidental magic in an effort to ensure less damage is done." Sirius hates himself, even as he knows that these are the words that must be said to get his patients the help they need.

_ "You don't have to believe it to say it. Just say what they need to hear so we can get out of here." I know, Remus. I'm trying. _

The meeting carries on with more snide comments about the deservedness of "monsters", and the wastefulness of spending money on "creatures" who will, no doubt, go on to use it against "us" anyway, until Sirius bows his head in deference to the Board and takes his leave. Positively thrumming with anger and resolve, Sirius makes his way to his office and floo's the Potter residence.

"Sirius! To what do we owe the honour?"

"I was wondering if I could take Harry for the evening. Maybe give you and James a charce to get out?" He's meant to sound enthusiastic, but he'd be happy with not angry at this point, and he seems to have achieved that.

"Oh! Oh, yes! That's…that sounds really nice. You'll come by ours?" Lily answers while shifting Harry from her front to her side to stop him trying to climb over her shoulder.

"Yeah, I'll be by after work, say six thirty?"

"Sounds good. Are you alright, Sirius?" Sirius can see the concern on her face through the green tint of the floo call.

"Yeah. I'll be fine. I just had a terrible meeting with the Board of Directors and I'd like nothing more than to put it as far behind me as possible."

"So, Harry snuggles?"

"Harry snuggles."

"See you at six thirty, Sirius "

"Thanks, Lily"

"Want to talk about it, Padfoot?" Sirius takes the offered beer with a shake of his head.

"Not even a little bit, James. Stupid, bloody Board of Directors! I'm in there, taking time away from my patients, away from the job they are fucking paying me to do, so they can waste my time asking thinly, or sometimes, not even a little bit, veiled questions that all boil down to 'why are we even being asked to treat these monsters anyway?'. Months. Months of fucking intern hours and University cooperation and drafting and redrafting the language just so, so that I can keep drawing the pittance they allow me to run my programmes and keep my staff in parchment and quills, and do you know what they did with our work? Not a fucking thing! No one read it, no one had any intelligent questions about it. Not a single person even glanced at it unless their assistant made them. And then what? They'll just decide whatever they want to do anyway. Fuck them. Fuck them all."

James says nothing during the entire tirade. Nothing when Sirius throws himself across the sofa, nothing when he waves his arms so violently that he spills some of his beer on the cuff of his sleeve, nothing even when Lily exaggeratedly covers little Harry's ears in response to the very insistent, very loud use of expletives. James doesn't say anything until Sirius pulls his knees up and turns his body to rest the side of his head on the arm of the sofa, cushion pulled tightly into his chest.

"Anything else, or are you done not talking about it?" The glare Sirius shoots him only fuels the laughter he's been barely able to stifle and it erupts out unbidden. "Is it safe for Harry to come in now, or do you have some more choice words you'd like to yell at me?" It's not even hard to catch the cushion that comes flying at his face in retaliation.

"Do you think you'll get the money to keep going? Is there really a chance you won't?" Lily is back in the room now, Harry on her hip, dressed for dinner out.

"I honestly don't know. I did my best, I hope. I said all the bull.., all the things they'd want to hear, well, as much as I'm willing to. God, I hate this part. I just kept remembering Remus and I at the Ministry when he got his brand. Watching him speak with respect to one terrible person after another, all so that they could hurt him and send him out with nothing. These monsters. These, horrible men...a room full of my father. It was...terrible. It was terrible and it wasn't even me on the table." Then defeated, "We'll see if it was enough." Sirius is slumped head in hands, elbows on his knees when Harry toddles over and insists on being picked up. "Anyway, I've done what I can. Now I just want to rub my face in this little belly and pretend that none of it is happening."

True to his word, Sirius pulls Harry up onto the couch and hovers over him on all fours, rubbing his face into the tiny stomach until the toddler is red in the face with laughter.

"You'll be good here?" The concern in her eyes is real, and Sirius is reminded again how lucky he is to have these people. "I've left some food out in the kitchen, but Harry's already eaten. Want us to bring anything back for you?"

"I'm good Lils," Sirius says, as he lifts the little boy up and holds him against his shoulder to help calm his giggles. "I just need a cuddle, and this little man," he lifts Harry up over his head, "will take care of that for me."

"Alright, we won't be late. And, thanks for this. It's been a while since we've been out." James' eyes are firmly on his wife when he speaks. "Nice to eat a meal without having to wear it now and then."

"Glad my shitty day can help." Sirius can't help but chuckle at the way James is unashamedly watching Lily get ready to leave. How long has it been since they've had a break like this? He'll have to make a point of doing this more often. Even if he's not having any fun, it doesn't mean everyone shouldn't.

Lily comes to kiss Harry goodbye then turns and kisses Sirius on the cheek. "He's so proud of you. I know he doesn't tell you, you guys are so...whatever you are, but he tells me. Whatever happens, don't worry about disappointing him. I don't think you ever could."

"I'm just," he moves to cover Harry's ears before continuing, "fuck Lily, I just want...I just want to show him...I just want him here."

"I know. He wants to be here. Just give him time." One more kiss to his cheek and then she's moving to join James at the door. "Don't stay up too late you two. Tomorrow's a work day and you know we like to get an early start."

"Yes, Mom," Sirius says, rolling his eyes for both of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me on Tumblr @astoundinglymade, because you are. Astoundingly made, that is. We all are, it's wild.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Little hometown pride in this chapter, go Canada! 
> 
> Okay, Remus talks with a student, Sirius tells the group about the meeting with the Board, and there's another phone call.
> 
> Goodness, I like the phone calls.

"Professor Lupin?"

Remus is startled out of his thoughts by the student standing in the doorway. "Sorry to bother you, Professor Lupin, I just had a question about the readings for next week?"

"Come in Salma. What can I help you with?"

Salma settles herself carefully in the chair across from Remus and arranges her bag in her lap. She's nervously worrying the strap just above the buckle and Remus gives her a minute to gather her thoughts.

"It's just, it's just that I was wondering if…." She balls her hands up into her lap and looks as if she's starting again, from the beginning.

_ Okay, that's enough _ . Salma is among Remus' best students. Always prepared, always thoughtful in her analysis, always afraid to contribute in class. "Salma? Whatever it is you want to ask, I guarantee I want to hear it." Remus says, soft but firm. "You are among my best students, I never fail to learn something, or see something from a new perspective when I'm reading your assignments. Whatever it is you're here to talk about, I'd like to hear it."

Remus watches as Salma looks up and meets his eye with a quizzical look on her face. "Are you not used to people wanting your thoughts?" A small shake of her head. "Well then, more for me," Remus says with a smile. "What is it you'd like to ask?" Remus listens as she goes on to weave an intricate thread through the last several lectures eventually coming to her question about the validity of reliance on old English translation, when the runes themselves are of decidedly non-European origin. "Yes. Yes that's it." Remus says, with a clap of his hands. "That, right there, is what makes you exceptional. Your difference, your ability to bring your Canadian upbringing and your Moroccan heritage into play, and use them to give you an outsider's perspective into the traditional methods of translation, that's what makes your work so important!"

Salma is obviously startled by the usually quiet Professor's outburst, but she does her best to recover quickly. "But if the accepted methods are all reliant on traditional translation paths, won't most people see my alternate interpretations as suspect?"

"Of course! But I'm sure, like all of us who are a little different, you have some experience swimming upstream?" A nod. "Then this won't be anything new. The great crime here would be for you to have gone to such lengths to have yourself accepted into this programme, only to not share your unique perspective with the rest of us. Traditions start somewhere, Salma. You and I might be starting one here."

_ This is it, _ thinks Remus.  _ This is why I'm here _ . Remus has never been able to shake the feeling of being that little boy on the platform, so alone in a sea of other children. While the other first years were humming with the excitement of meeting up with others just like them, Remus was already cautiously watching his words in an effort to keep himself apart. There's so much of that familiar nervous fear in Salma. What if they don't want me? What if I lose everything?

It was Professor McGonagall that had been the first to open herself up to Remus. Small comments, a kind look here and there, and most wonderfully, the way she held him to her rigorous standards, regardless of his condition. "Remus, I'm sure she'll give you an extra day. It was the moon yesterday, after all." Only someone like James, who had no need to prove himself, would suggest it. And then there was Peter, forever asking for his own extensions, unaware of the way things are already weighted in his favour. Remus, however, knew he couldn't afford to aim for good enough, great would have to be his standard. Exceptional even. So that when everyone found out what he was, at least he could say he'd done everything they'd asked, and beaten most of them at it along the way.

Later, after Sirus left home, Remus finally had someone else who understood. Walburga had been so adamant in her letters, and howlers, and the messages she passed through Regulus, that Sirius would never amount to anything without the family name. In his determination to prove her wrong, Sirius dove into his studies and the two of them would often be the last ones up at night, reading over each other's work by wandlight. All those late nights are the basis for the way they move around each other to this day. Effortless and intuitive, they know each other's mannerisms like breathing, learned over long nights spent together in companionable silence.

There's a twitch to Salma's lips as she trains her furrowed brow on Remus. "Professor?" A small smile pulls one side of her mouth up before she can smooth it away. "Would you like me to go? You seem...distracted"

"Oh! Sorry, no. Just lost there for a minute." Remus shakes his head as if to clear it. "If you ever need anything, Salma. Please feel free to ask. You really are very bright. I know from experience that schools can be insular places, I'd hate to see this one wear you down."

"Thank you Professor."

Salma's hand is in the door when she turns back. "Professor, your difference…I mean, I don't mean to overstep but, are you, are you okay?"

She looks so nervous and Remus doesn't know whether to laugh or cry. Some of the faculty here are aware of his lycanthropy, but he hasn't thought any of the students had figured it out yet.  _ If anyone would, it would be this bright little witch, wouldn't it _ . "Yes Salma. I'm quite alright. I'm getting old for a wolf though, and it takes its toll. Two months ago I had the chance to transform back home with my friends and family to care for me and this month I didn't. Let's just say, it was a rude awakening. I'll be fine in a couple of days." He ends with a curt nod and a smile in an effort to show that he's being sincere in his answer.

Salma mirrors the smile before responding. "Growing up we had friends that were all werewolves. That's how I figured you out," she says with a smile. "I remember being about six or seven and desperately wanting to join them. The children were so playful, all teeth and fur and tumbling about, but it was the father I most wanted to be. He transformed into a beautiful ebony wolf, tall and proud. He would watch over his family during the full moon and I thought he was magnificent." Salma has a dreamy look in her eyes while she talks. Her body may be here, in this office, but her mind is clearly back in the forests of her youth, watching the wolves at play.

"You watched them? But how?" Remus would be embarrassed at the way he sputters out the words but he's too busy chasing his reeling mind for answers.

"Oh, at home people are much more accepting of werewolves. Canada is still mostly empty, and what is populated is carved right out of the rocks and trees and water. Our wizarding folklore is much more nature bound, and much kinder to magical creatures than the stories you find here. Less about monsters and more about gifted powers. As my mother used to tell us, a problem is only a problem if you frame it that way. We choose to see the good in magical creatures, here you always seem to focus on the bad."

"Perhaps I should go to Canada, then," Remus says as lightly as he can, but it's Salma's mother's words that are hanging heavy in the air long after she's gone.

"Alright, we've got letters back from Dobbs, Gupta, Lupin and Meadows. So far no one has turned us down. Add those to the ones we already had from Calder and Potter and we're only waiting on two more. That means Charms, Defense, and Potions are covered. We're waiting to hear back about transfiguration and herbology, although Healer Black had volunteered himself to fill in on the former, if necessary, and Ms Friedler has offered her services for herbology should that position need filling. Anything else?" There's the usual rustling of papers and murmuring of voices as the twenty or so people seated around the table prepare themselves for the next order of business. The conference is less than a month away and there's still much to do.

Sirius realises that no one has anything else to bring forward and speaks up. "Yes, I've got something. I met with the Board of Directors the other day about the budget. I won't go into details, but I can assure you none of their questions, if you can call them that, were about the budget." There are no fans of the old men who make up the Board here, and a collective sound of disgust passes around the room as people understand the implications of what Sirius is saying. "I can't be sure what will happen. Of course, if we understood these men, we'd be like them, and I don't think any of us would want that. But I can make you this promise. Regardless of the funding decision, my services, whether as your healer, or as the facilitator of this group, will always be available to you. If we have to run things out of my house, so be it. You, this group, is the most important thing I have ever done and I will not let some stuffy, bigoted assholes decide whether or not you are worthy of care."

There's a shuffling silence in the room as everyone nervously shift in their seats and consider his words. "Healer Black…" then softer "Sirius. We don't expect you to…you've done so much for us already. If they pull our finding we'll manage. We always do."

"No." Sirius is aware that he's being too loud, letting too much of his anger, and frustration, and feelings not even about work, seep out, and he forces himself to bite back some of the aggression. "There is no world in which I will sit by and watch any of you have to go back to the abysmal treatment you have been subjected to in the past. I made a promise years ago to never stop helping, and this won't be the thing that makes me break it. We should hear from the board within the month. Let's leave it there."

Thankful that there is little else to cover in today's meeting, each of the committee representatives makes a last check of the directives for the week ahead, and then everyone sets to work putting the room back the way they found it.

Left alone now, Sirius takes a minute to calm down from the anger he's felt bubbling through him every time he's had to think about the Board and their decision over the last few days. He hates this feeling of helplessness, the waiting that comes between your last effort and the final reveal. He's tried Harry cuddles, drinking in excess, and trying to dive into his work, but he can't find a way to settle his brain enough to get anything useful done. It's been three nights without anything approaching restful sleep, and this seems to be his breaking point. He's going to call Remus.

"Sirius?"

"Yeah…"

"Are you alright? You never call."

"You know I don't like the phone, Moons. I never got used to the whole disembodied voice part of it."

Remus' laughter alone relaxes Sirius enough to slouch in the big chair and let his shoulders drop. "But if I sent a patronus?"

"Yes, fine. Laugh at the sheltered pureblood." Sirius knows he's unable to hide the sound of his smile.

"Always, Pads. Really though, what made you call?"

_ He's too good to me, so good, better than I deserve. "I had a bad day. A few bad days really. I just wanted to hear your voice." _

__

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"For the record, I like when you call, though I won't turn down your letters either. All that girly penmanship, it's a waste not to show it off."

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_ Why did I put this off?, _ Sirius wonders, sinking further into the chair and pulling his knees up with him. "I'll have you know, my writing is the spit of my father's, and I don't think anyone has called that man girly in all his life."

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"That's 'cause he never had your looks, Pads."

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_ Yes, please. Kill me softly _ . "Are you calling me pretty, Remus?"

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"You know you're pretty. Don't go fishing, it's unbecoming."

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"I never knew  _ you _ thought I was pretty."  _ Oh, Lord, just give me this please. I'm such a needy bastard _ . Sirius turns to curl himself around the receiver.

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"Prettiest boy I've ever seen. Now, what's with the bad days?"

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"What? Oh, sorry. I was distracted by your completely unexpected compliment." A snort from Remus is worth all the self deprecation in the world. "I had a meeting with the Board of Directors three days ago about budgets. It was… I'm trying to decide if offensive is a strong enough word. Infuriating? Maddening? Fucking awful in any case."

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"Is your funding in question?"

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"Our funding is always in question. But I've just come from hashing it out with the group, and we have a plan and a back up plan, and I really don't want to talk about it anymore. Talk to me about something else. Tell me something good." Sirius takes the phone with him as he walks over to the bar cart under the window. Three fingers of the good gin he bought before their last visit and a muttered ice spell and he's curled back up in Remus' chair listening to him talk about his students and their antics.

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"How's the knee?" Sirius asks after Remus tells a particularly silly story that involved a mention of his cane. "Thought you'd get that by me, did you?"

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"Yeah. Shit. I did. It's fine. My knee is fine."

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"Not fine if you're needing the cane, Moons."

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"What do you want me to say? It was shit this month. Nobody bullied me into staying in bed, bringing me food and books to keep me there, so I went out too early, and it wasn't ready. It's still not shifting back properly. It's been a week and a half now and it's still out. Maybe I just use a cane now, I'll figure it out." Remus sounds defeated, yes, but mostly pleading. The undercurrent of his every word is,  _ 'leave it Sirius, just leave it be' _ .

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"I'm taking a look at it when you come. Don't put up a fight. It's not acceptable that it would be giving you this much trouble. I'll book you in and see to it."

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"Pads, you're going to have to accept that this sort of thing is inevitable. I have to accept it and you fighting it only makes it harder. I'm going to die Sirius. I'm going to fall apart slowly and die early. Pretending it won't happen isn't helpful."

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Sirius can feel the need to tell Remus it isn't true, that he'll live forever, that Sirius himself will find a way to save him. It palpably rushes up his throat and fights to be heard.  _ I will move mountains for you, best the moon, stem the tides, anything to make you better _ , he wants to say, but Remus doesn't want to hear that. "I'm not denying that there will be lasting damage, I'm only suggesting that I've got a fair bit more experience than whomever they've got you seeing through the school, and if there's something I can do to slow the degeneration or reduce the pain, then I'd like to have a look at it."

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"And if I'm stuck with the cane?"

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"Then you get to add The Riddler to your list of last minute costume possibilities." Sirius figures that Remus is using the question as a test to see if he can pull his anger back enough to see it's not his place to decide whether or not to fight, and he hopes the joke will make it clear that he can walk away when he has to.

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"Oh God, Peter and those comics. How is this the one bit of muggle culture that actually stuck with you?"

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"Tell me you wouldn't drop what you were doing for Adam West. I was fifteen at the time. It's not that hard to decipher. All my interests were pretty quickly tied back to sex in some way or another." 

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"True enough, though I'd take Eartha Kitt over Adam West, any day."

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"Ew. Girls," Sirius says, in a perfect imitation of a child's indignant whine.

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"That much leather? Come on."

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"I own that much leather. Just, you know, putting that out there." There's no way Remus is missing his flirty tone.

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"That you do, pretty boy." Sirius closes his eyes and thanks all the deities he's never believed in for making him make this call.

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"Well, maybe if you're here next time there's fancy dress I'll be Catwoman to your Riddler."

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"Promises, promises." Remus' voice is smooth and soft and Sirius wants to taste the words as they come off his tongue.

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"It's late, Pads. We should get to bed." Low and gentle.  _ And sexy _ , Sirius can't help himself from thinking. "I'm glad you called."

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"Me too, Moony."  _ I love you, I love you, don't go, kiss me _ . "Thanks for helping me forget about my shitty day."

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"Any time. And Pads?"

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"Yeah?"

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"Love you."

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"Oh! Love you too, Moons. Miss you."

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"Three weeks, Pads. I'll be home soon."

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In the morning Sirius is aware that he got up at some point to hang up the phone and tidy up and sort himself out for bed. He knows that but he can't remember any of it. Remus said home, 'I'll be home soon,' and everything after that is unimportant.

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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me on Tumblr @astoundinglymade, because you are. Astoundingly made, that is. We all are, it's wild.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remus gets in a fight at work, divulges more about himself than intended to his boss, and there's another phone call.

Remus is two hours into a truly boring faculty meeting when he realises the rest of the professors are looking at him, clearly awaiting his answer to a question he hasn't heard. "I'm sorry, I got distracted there for a minute. Could someone repeat the question?"

A round faced women Remus recognizes as a fellow adjunct professor in the languages department, gives a bit of a chuckle before answering. "Lost in the clouds, Remus? We've all been there. We were just looking for volunteers to supervise the half term trip to the standing stones at Carnac. We're one short."

"As much as I'd love to see them, I'm afraid I can't. I've got a conference to attend in London that week." He is actually sorry. Standing stones have always been a bit of a fascination for him, a gift from his mother really, who used to take him up and down the Welsh coast telling him the stories of the stones when he was a boy.

"A conference?" The department head, Professor Arsenau, raises her eyes in concerned question. "Did we talk about this? Have you published something and I've managed to forget?"

"No, no, I haven't, and you haven't," Remus replies with a dismissive wave of his hand. "This is a series of practical seminars being organized through St Mungo's Hospital. I've been asked to come and teach defense and protective charms to a group of patients there."

"Defense? I didn't know that was a specialty of yours," says a sour looking man to Remus' right. Cordier, Cormon? Something similar at least, Remus thinks, as he turns to answer.

"Actually, it's sort of interesting. A good friend of mine is a Healer at St Mungo's working to develop a protocol for addressing the long term care needs of werewolves, and one of the challenges he's come up against is the lack of magical education among his patients. In England, as here, werewolves are not allowed to attend schools of magic, and, with some exceptions, are not allowed to carry wands. Together it means that many of them have no control over their accidental magic and cleaning up the damage that causes is quite a problem. The seminars are an attempt to help his patients learn the skills they need to keep themselves safe."

Cordier, Cormon, whatever, flared his nostrils in outrage. "Werewolves! You, a proper Professor of magic, are going to waste your talents on werewolves."

Remus could feel more than see Professor Arsenau, tense up where she sat a little to his left. He decided it was best to answer quickly before she could make a move to come to his defense. "I am. I had the chance to meet with these patients last month when I was in London and was entirely taken by them. I actually think you might find them quite interesting yourself given your research into the unique characteristics of isolated magical communities." Ignoring the scoff, he continues, being sure to hold his shoulders square and keep his eyes trained on the target of his words. "I was quite amazed to see how well this group of Victims," he's choosing his words very carefully here, "have found ways to help and support each other. It's inspiring to see that even though the larger magical world falsely holds them responsible for their condition…"

"Falsely!"

"Yes, falsely. I've yet to meet a single person who volunteered to be ripped apart by a werewolf, are there many who do? Could you point me to that research? No? Alright, then I'll finish. It's inspiring to see how these Assault Victims,"  _ let's be very clear here _ , "have banded together to help each other when the rest of the wizarding world has done it's best to treat them as animals."

"BUT, BUT THEY ARE ANIMALS!" Red faced and angry now, the man has jumped to his feet, hands planted firmly on the table in front of him.

"They are people. Most of them wizards. And I am honoured to be doing my part to treat them as such. If you'd like to yell your bigoted nonsense at me some more, I have office hours. For now I think there are still two or three things on the agenda. Isn't that right, Professor Arsenau?" Remus is thrumming with the after effects of the adrenaline rush that is still making its way through his bloodstream. Confrontations with bigots have been more of the homophobic variety then the werewolf kind in the last few years and even then, he can't remember ever having to take one down in front of his colleagues before. Remus digs his fingernails into his palms under the table and glances over at the department head to see her head tilted, eyebrows up, a slight smile on her face. The look she's giving him is unmistakably a smug sort of pride and he uses the balm it offers him to settle his shoulders and fake a relaxed posture in anticipation of her calling the meeting back to order.

An hour later Remus is packing his things to head back to his rooms for dinner when Professor Arsenau taps him on the shoulder. "That was impressive." The smile on her lips is playful and travels her whole face, crinkling her eyes along the way. "Old Corbeil is quite a piece of work. I'm not sure I've even seen him put in his place quite so neatly."

"Oh, I'm sorry. Really, I shouldn't have let him get me so worked up, I just,..."

"Remus! He called you an animal." Remus' head jerks up, quickly checking the room for stragglers. "No one's here. Don't worry. I would never tell anyone anything you didn't want them to know. I just wanted to tell you how proud I was of you back there. It takes a lot to stand up to bullies like Corbeil. Well done."

"Unfortunately, I've had a bit of practice," Remus says with a sigh.

"No doubt. I also wanted to ask you about the conference. Is there any chance there's a Healer Black involved? I read a very interesting article about his work early last year. This sounds like something he would be involved with."

"I'd be more than happy to put you in touch with Sirius if you'd like. Sorry, with Healer Black," Remus says with a suggestion of a bow, as if using the honorific to describe his friend is somehow ridiculous. "He's my oldest friend, and the one behind the conference."

"Sirius is… Oh! Oh, you're the werewolf, you're the one… Oh, Remus. You're the reason for all of it. All he does! He said in the profile he'd made a promise to a friend as a boy, and his work was his way of keeping it. You're the friend!" It's almost silly, the way she's jumping excitedly from foot to foot, pointing one of her brightly polished nails at Remus to punctuate her words.

"He promised me he'd do anything he could to make it better when we were thirteen. He's shown remarkable follow through." Remus knows his eyes have gone soft. He can't help but think back to the earnest boy who gathered up all his borrowed conviction and swore to find a cure.

"When I was thirteen I was complaining about not being able to use magic over the summers and tormenting my little brother," Professor Arsenau offers. "I can't imagine what it would have taken at that age to make me so determined to accomplish something that I reset the whole course of my life to achieve it. Thirteen year old me thought waiting weekend to weekend was impossible, clearly he's made of stronger stuff than me."

_ Sirius became Padfoot for me at thirteen _ , Remus thinks.  _ He's better then all of us _ . "If I hadn't been ripping myself apart once a month, I hardly think I'd have been much better. As it was, I spent most of my time trying to pretend that my life wasn't being run by the bloody moon." Remus laughs at the memory of his younger self refusing to get out of bed.  _ 'if I don't acknowledge the day, maybe it won't exist, Sirius.' 'you know that's not how it works. Get up, you lazy sod.' _ "Lucky for me, he's built of stronger stuff then both of us. I'll owl you his contact information first thing tomorrow, but do me a favour and don't mention the article? Between you and I, his head is quite big enough."

The laughter they share as they part ways is just a little too loud and Remus can tell they are both still a little high on the after effects of the conflict. Turning into the road, Remus imagines Sirius and Professor Arsenau corresponding and groans as he considers just how happy Sirius will be to have another person with whom to embarrass him. Oh well, what's done is done.

"Hey," Sirius says into the receiver, trying his best to mask the fact that he'd been in the middle of brushing his teeth when the phone rang, startling him, making him jump and drop his toothbrush, before he got his wits about him and sprinted to the living room to grab the phone.

"Hey to you."

"Not that I'm not happy to hear from you, but I can't remember the last time you called. What's up?"

"I got in a proper fight today, and I'm itching to tell someone about it."

"A proper fight?" Sirius can hear the smile in Remus' words and doesn't even try to fight his laughter. "Fists of Fury was it?"

"Really? Jackie Chan? You know martial arts movies, but somehow still can't operate a coin laundry. You're such a strange man sometimes."

"I do like to stay mysterious, Remus. Now, tell me about your fight."

"Okay. This is silly, I know it is, but I haven't gotten in a real one on one shoving match since that guy outside the Leaky a few years ago," Remus is just getting started when Sirius interrupts.

"Are you hurt, Remus? Did someone hurt you?" His voice is sharp, tight. He can feel his heart rate spiking as his free hand moves to grip the arm of the chair tightly enough to whiten his knuckles.

"No! No, Pads. No, no, I'm fine. I'm sorry, it wasn't like that at all."

"You're sure?" Sirius can hear the soothing tone of Remus' voice but isn't willing to let his guard down just yet. There has been a fight of some kind, after all. "I promise not to overreact, just, just tell me the truth."

"I'm sure, Sirius. It was a screaming match and he was the only one screaming. Don't worry, I promise I'm fine."

"Alright, tell me about your smack down, then."

"Where do you get this stuff?" But the only response he gets is Sirius' loud laughter.

Remus goes on to describe Professor Corbeil's outburst in vivid detail, taking extra care to describe his flushed face and the way he seemed positively scandalized at being called out. And Sirius congratulates Remus for keeping his cool in front of his colleagues, even if they both agree Corbeil deserved much worse. When Remus gets to the part of the story about Professor Arsenau, his tone turns fond, and Sirius picks up on the shift.

"You like her, then?"

"Yeah, she's, well, you'd really like her. And lucky for you she's apparently already a fan of yours."

"Of mine? I don't understand."

"She said she read a profile about you a while back where you talked about your work at the hospital. She was positively giddy to find out we knew each other. She might have let slip that you mention me in there."

"Did she." It's not a question. Sirius' voice has lost the brightness it had only a minute ago. "Look, I'm sorry, Moons. I know you don't like attention, I didn't use your name. I promise I wouldn't…"

"Hey, hey. I'm not upset. A little surprised, but not upset." Remus can hear Sirius breathing on the other end of the line. "I'm curious what you said about me, though. She seemed quite excited to know I was the werewolf you were talking about. Felt like a right celebrity there for a minute."

"Moons," Plaintive, almost a whine. "I just want to say, before you see it, if you see it, that I wasn't in a good place when they did that interview. I might have been a bit, well, a bit maudlin. If you read it, don't read too much into it, okay?"

"What did you tell them, Pads? I can't imagine it was that bad."

Remus hears a deep sigh come down the line, then a huff of resignation. "I told them you were the love of my life. That I loved you, and would do anything to make you understand that you deserve to be loved just as much as anyone."

"Pads, my boss read that article!" Remus laughs in a way that borders on manic and Sirius can't help but feel like his world is about to shift, probably for the worse. Remus knows that he professed his love to the world and now he's laughing.  _ What have I done? I've blown it now, haven't I? _

"Sirius! Sirius, my boss knows you love me. Ha! Do you know what that means?" Remus is still laughing but he's putting in an effort to get his breathing calmed down enough to talk. "That means that I yelled at a coworker with seniority over me, made a scene in front of the whole department, announced my undying support for werewolves to everyone I work with, and came out to my boss all in one afternoon!" Remus' laughter boils over once again and Sirius is helpless in the face of it 

When they both calm down a little, a couple of minutes later, Sirius says, "to be fair, I'm the one who came out to your boss."

"Oh, Pads," Remus answers, the laughter still alive in every word, "there's no way someone could look at me when I'm talking about you and not know I love you."

Remus' laughter swallows the embarrassing choking noise that escapes unbidden from Sirius' mouth when the shock of the words hits home. It's a long minute before Sirius finds his voice again and he spends the whole time listening to Remus' laugh and counting the days until that sound will be right back where it belongs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me on Tumblr @astoungindmade, because you are. Astoundingly made, that is. We all are, it's wild.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Board comes back with a decision.
> 
> This is a short one. But the next two pieces really needs to come a certain way.
> 
> Also, hello from Istanbul! Chapter six will come from Cape Town. We're going international with this shit.

"Healer Black? The Board made their funding decisions this morning. I've left the report on your desk." The young mediwitch, Sarah, was it?, flashed Sirius a bright smile before continuing her way along the hall, arms filled with a stack of dark blue folders.

"Sorry to cut this short, Rashad, but I'd better go find out what the damage is." The young man in intern's robes nods once with a frown, and raises the chart in his hands. "Right, as for Miss Adams, I think you're on the right track. Let's get her in to go over the exercises again and then we'll keep an eye on it."

"I'll try to see if I can get her in before the end of the week." Writing quickly in the margin of the parchment he's holding, Rashad doesn't look up as he adds, "I heard you told the patients you'd care for them regardless."

"I did. Whatever is in this bloody report, I'm not going to let them down because some room full of assholes think it's okay to treat our patients like animals."

"Good." Finishing his note, Rashad raises his eye to meet Sirius' and holds it. "I just want you to know that I'm in. If you lose the funding, you haven't lost me. I'll do weekends or evenings or whatever. I trained to help people, I refuse to be told which people deserve that help."

"Okay, okay. That's...thank you." Sirius' brows pull tight in consideration, then softens. "Rashad, you know they picked you, right? The patients? I let them pick who stayed on. All of you were good Healers, but you two, you won the patients over. You made them feel the safest. They made the right choice." There's a brief silence before Rashad gives another quick nod and turns away leaving Sirius to head into his office and assess the damage.

The report from the board is more than forty pages long but it only takes a couple of minutes to find the only part he's really interested in. Budgetary Allowances for the Education and Continued Health of Magical Creatures. It was a shrewd move by the Board to separate Sirius' work out from the rest of the Department for Persistent Maladies as a unique budget line item. In practical terms, werewolves are the only magical creatures being treated in any real capacity at St Mungo's, meaning the title, as is so often the case, is a little too ostentatious for the purpose. But having Sirius' work seemingly distinct from the rest of the Department allows the Board to make its cuts with surgical precision. Why punish everyone when you can parcel out the ones you're really after and just hurt them? Why indeed.

Sifting through the numbers Sirius is happy to see that while the cuts are by no means insignificant, they are smaller than the team had feared. They'd been prepared to drop to two healers, Sirius and a Junior Healer, with Sirius reinvesting his salary into the programmes to pay for supplies, but it looks like they'll be able to manage three Healers for the foreseeable future, after all. As for Sirius' salary, well, he hasn't yet taken home a knut since qualifying as a Senior Healer, and he's unlikely to start now.

The real challenge, it turns out, has nothing to do with the funding for the department's programmes themselves.  _ No, that would be too obvious _ , Sirius thinks as he reads through the last paragraph again. What the board has decided to cut instead is the portion of their financing that is allocated for discretionary spending. Last funding period he had used this money to secure additional training for the interns as well as bringing on an extra mediwitch to handle the increased output from having the interns where they had been used to only one Healer. This period, that money had been earmarked for the conference. Choosing to put aside the fact that he'll now have to pay the presenters, including Remus, himself, Sirius decides to focus on the bigger picture.  _ Another six months of funding then, _ he thinks.  _ Six more months before we have to do this all again. _

Even with the cuts, it's relief that Sirius feels as he quickly writes and sends notes to the interns letting them know their funding is safe for another cycle. He'll save letting the whole group know until Friday, but these two have been gnawing their fingernails away in worry and he'd much rather they had the news now, and were able to get a good night's sleep. It isn't until he's made it halfway through the first sentence that he realises that he's started a third letter about the Board's report, this one to Remus.

"Moony," the letter reads. "I've just heard from the Board of Directors that we've been granted funding for another six months. I guess that means I won't be retrofitting the flat as a makeshift clinic just yet. It also means I'll be able to keep you in the good potions a little longer. Mrs Adams called today, she says Emily has been asking for you. She's not the only one, -S." After clocking out for the night, Sirius floos into Hogsmead for a couple of bars of Remus' favourite chocolate before heading home. If he sends the letter now, it should be in France before tea time tomorrow. It's the new moon tomorrow, a perfect time for good news. And chocolate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me on Tumblr @astoundinglymade, because you are. Astoundingly made, that is. We all are, it's wild.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello from Cape Town! Lily lets something slip and Sirius meets Professor Arsenau.

"Lils, you really don't need to worry. I wouldn't have asked you guys over if I was worried about Harry getting into things. He's fine, I promise." Sirius is carrying a bottle of wine and three glasses out of the kitchen when Lily relents and leaves Harry to go back to rooting through the bottom level of the bookshelf to the right of the fireplace.

"Moony would cry if he saw someone treating his books like that." James has the wine open and a glass already in hand before Lily can even reach the table.

"No he wouldn't," Sirius says fondly, "he'd fidget in his chair and frown disapprovingly. And then, later, after you'd gone home, he'd mutter under his breath about the proper treatment of books while righting them."

James' laughter is loud in the small front room. "That he would. Not much for a fuss, is he?"

"But what if I want to make a fuss?" Sirius runs his finger along the rim of his glass, brow furrowed in concentration.

"This isn't about the books then?" Moving to sit next to him on the couch Lily puts her glass on the table and takes Sirius' hand in her own. "He just wants to see you, Sirius. He's coming for you. That's all he needs."

"No, that's what he thinks he deserves," Sirius sighs. "He told me plainly that that's more than he deserves, in fact, which is ridiculous." Turning his hand over and threading his fingers through Lily's, Sirius looks their hands over. "How can I show him that he's worth so much more than that. He's worth everything to me, Lils."

"I know, love, but he's just not ready to believe it yet. Have you talked to him recently?"

"It's been a few days. He called to tell me about a fight he got into with a colleague. Bloody brilliant, actually. The man was spouting some bigoted bullshit about werewolves, and Moony stood up for himself. He was still pretty high on the rush of it when he called. It was adorable." Sirius pauses for a second. "He's adorable."

"You're both disgusting," James chimes in from the hearth where he's putting books back on the shelf nearly as fast as Harry can remove them.

"Oh, we're disgusting? Really Prongs? That's a competition you want to start? Wait. We're both disgusting?" Sirius pivots back to look at Lily so quickly his wine sloshes dangerously in its glass. "What does that mean? He's disgusting? Please, Lily?" Then quietly, as if afraid of the answer, "what does Moony say about me?"

"No way, Black. I am not getting in the middle of this." Shaking her head, Lily retrieves her glass. "If you want to know what he thinks about you, you're actually going to have to talk to him."

"But I tried that! Ugh. Why does he have to be so difficult?" 

"Why do you have to be so whiny?" Lily barely has time to put her glass down before Sirius pushes her down across the cushions and tickles her until she's red in the face. "Okay, okay, stop. Stop. You're not whiny. I take it back."

"I'll forgive you if you tell me one thing Remus said about me." Sirius is on his knees straddling Lily's thighs and he's got her arms pinned to her sides. His smug smile does a fine job of showing that he knows he's got her where he wants her. "Fine. You win. Remus said he likes seeing you at work. When he was here last he saw you dressing down some of your interns and he liked it."

"He liked it?"

Lily rubs her wrists, and pulls her knees up to sit against the back of the couch again. Sirius sits back on his heels but otherwise, doesn't move. "Liked it how?"

"He said you looked strong. Powerful? Whatever, you looked in control." Lily seems distracted as she fixes her shirt and pulls her hair back up from where it's fallen in the tousle.

_ I looked powerful? What does that mean? In control? Does he want that? Me in control, or does he feel like he's not in control. Does he want that for himself? God, why can't we just talk to each other? _

"I think you broke him, Lily." James laughs quietly from his place by the bookshelf as he takes in the sight of a still frozen Sirius. "You okay there, Pads?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah, not really. Give me a minute, yeah?" Sirius knows he should get up and move, take his short circuiting brain somewhere else where he's not so open to ridicule, but he can't bring himself to move. He's gone over Lily's words twice more before he finally manages to pull himself back into the present.

"You should call him, Sirius. He misses you," Lily says as he's pulling himself back together.

"I will. Not now, not tonight, but I will."

"Healer Black! How nice to meet you." Professor Arsenau looks just as Remus described her. Mid forties, well dressed, and South Asian, despite her distinctly French name. She's got a bit of that stern motherly look about her, and Sirius knows that Remus will have made the connection between her and Professor McGonagall just as he has.

"Hello Professor. Remus has told me a lot about you. It sounds like you've made quite an impression on him." Sirius' smile is broad and inviting. He misses this sometimes, the back and forth with authoritative but caring professors. Had he not been set on being a Healer, he could easily have seen himself carrying on in school. Maybe intrinsic magic?

"He's wonderful, you know. I'll be sad when he leaves us, although I wouldn't blame him. If I had an entourage of students following me around everywhere, I'd grow tired of it fast." Professor Arsenau looks legitimately horrified at the thought, but Sirius can't help but laugh.

"Moony has an entourage?"

"Moony? Oh! Mr Lupin, very clever. Yes, he's quite the favourite among some of the younger students. Although I brought it up with him once and he didn't seem to have noticed."

"That sounds like him. I think we'd been best friends for over a year before he acknowledged it. He's a little oblivious to people wanting to spend time with him. Still thinks of himself as the odd one out most days. By the way, tell him you think the nickname is clever. He's hated it from the start. I just decided to stop listening after the first decade."

"Very kind of you. Now, I have some questions about your work, if you don't mind?," Professor Arsenau says as she settles onto her side of the hearth.

"Absolutely. Remus said you were interested in particular in how we managed to secure our resources and authorizations to teach magic, is that correct?" To be honest, part of Sirius is excited about this call because he's getting a window into Remus' life in France, and the other part is hoping to collect Professor Arsenau as an ally in his work. Gaining a foothold in France, and through another University no less, could strengthen their numbers in significant ways. The more werewolves they can reach, the better.

"Yes. As you probably know France is quite restrictive in its laws governing the magical education of werewolves, but you spoke in the profile I read about the benefits of magical education in helping to reduce the costs of treatment for werewolves, and in better assuring the safety of others. Now, I'll have you know I have no interest in the economic feasibility of werewolf treatment, beyond knowing that it can be done, but I had hoped that some of your language there was, perhaps, for the benefit of your employers?"

"You caught me," Sirius says with a laugh. "I'll use whatever language I have to use to get my wizarding patients the skills they need to keep themselves safe."

"Good then." Professor Arsenau gives a tight nod and reaches to retrieve a piece of parchment just out of view. "I asked around a little through my connections and discovered that you managed to use a research justification for the series of seminars that Remus is participating in. Will those exceptions allow the werewolves in the study to use their magic outside of the research parameters?"

"No. In fact, the best we could do was to get exceptions for specific rooms, during set times using a predetermined list of borrowed wands," Sirius says with a frown.

"Borrowed wands? Little good that will do them." Oh yes, there's a lot of McGonagall in Professor Arsenau. Professor McGonagall's disdain for unnecessary legislation was the topic of many a lecture in her transfiguration classroom. It wasn't until Sirius and the others had begun the animagus process that they discovered how many rules their usually stern professor had to have somehow weaseled her way around in her bid to become the spectacled cat she liked to bring out to frighten her first years.

"Between you and I, most of our wizard and witch patients have their own wands at home. It's amazing how they just seem to turn up in their houses one day. Almost as if someone knew they were needed."

"Very clever, Healer Black. One more question, Remus mentioned a young patient of yours that he had the chance to meet when he was last in London. He says you were paying for her Wolfsbane out of pocket. Is that as onerous an expense in England as it is in France?"

"I couldn't be sure, having never needed to buy it there, but I can tell you, as I told Moony, the price is more than worth it to keep my patient safe."  _ Trust Remus to vent his frustration to someone else instead of just bringing it to me _ , thought Sirius.  _ We really are a mess _ . "I'm not sure if he mentioned it, but Remus and I had a disagreement about that, which I did not improve by telling him I'd also be buying his, if he chose to come home."

"I trust he's as prideful with you as he is here then?" Sirius can see the smile in her eyes as she speaks about Remus in this softer tone and he's relieved to see that someone is looking out for him while he's away.

"One thing I can tell you about my Moony, Professor Arsenau, is that he has never understood what he is worth. It is one thing to want to maintain your autonomy and another to suffer needlessly. Trust me on this, should he move back to London to finish his studies, he will get Wolfsbane at no cost to himself, even if it means lying through my teeth about where it comes from."

"Remus is very lucky to have friends like you, Healer Black." There's a fond look in her now soft eyes. 

"Other way around, Professor. You know as well as I do that it is us who are lucky to have him."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me in Tumblr as @astoundinglymade, because you are. Astoundingly made, that is. We all are, it's wild.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remus gets scared, then drunk, and makes a phone call. Let's watch it play out together.

"Hey Gorgeous."

"Moony?" Sirius clears his eyes and realises he's fallen asleep on the couch. He'd been going over some paperwork and...well. "What time is it? Why are you calling in the middle of the night? Are you okay?"

"I'm more than fine, Beautiful."

_ Oh, shit _ . "Moony, have you been drinking?"

"Maybe."

"Love? I need you to head to bed now. You are not going to be happy about this in the morning. Come on, Moons, bed time?" Pulling himself up to sitting, Sirius looks around in the haze reserved for the newly woken and pats about for his glasses.  _ Oh great, on my face. Well done, me. _ "Moony? Are you there? I need you to answer me, love."

"I'm here Sirius. That's the problem, though. I'm here but I want to be there."  _ Dear, God. Not like this. _

"I miss you too, Moons, but I need you to go to bed now, while we can still pretend this didn't happen."

"I don't want to pretend. Pretending is hard, and when I'm pretending I can't say things like.." Sirius is all the way awake now.

"Okay, okay, Moony, no pretending."  _ Anything, Moons. Anything to make you stop talking _ . "But you still need to get to bed. It's late, love. You've got classes in the morning."

"Fine. But I'm still going to miss you." Petulant.  _ How many drinks does it take to make him petulant? _

"I miss you too, but I'll still miss you tomorrow. We can talk then, okay?"

"You promise you'll call? Promise me." Needy. _ He's really gone for it. _

"I promise. Go to bed now."

"Night, Pads. I love you."

"Love you too."

Rising from the couch Sirius does the only thing he can think of, pours himself a healthy dose of Ogden's and settles in for a sleepless night.

Partly because he's a coward and partly because he wants to give Remus the time to decide whether or not he wants to acknowledge the phone call, Sirius floos Lily in the early morning and asks her to call Remus and make sure he's up. He's just out of the shower an hour later when she phones him back.

"He's up. Embarrassed but up," Lily says when he answers. "Are you going to tell me what he said?"

"No. I think I'm going to give him as much space as possible to forget it, if he wants." Untangling himself from the phone cord, Sirius tries to make sense of the mess he left out on the table the night before. After the call he'd managed little else than staring out the window and working his way through most of Remus' Billie Holiday recordings.

"That bad?" There's a hint of a laugh in Lily's voice as it comes through the receiver.

"Not really. I think I got him off the phone before he got into the worst of it." Sirius recognizes the humour, but can't bring himself to feel it. "I just really didn't want him to say anything I couldn't forget."

"He means it, you know. He's just afraid."

"You keep saying that, Lils." Sirius wipes his hand across his face. "But, if he's not going to come home, I really don't think I can manage hearing him drunkenly explain it. Thanks again for checking on him for me."

"Of course. You'll be alright today?"

"Likely not, but I'll manage." At least it's patients all day. He'll do his best to let himself get lost in it.

"Call if you need me."

"Will do, Lils."

Sirius makes it through the morning and all the way to after lunch before it becomes obvious that he's not going to get away with hiding in his work. He's in the hallway, about to step in to see another patient, when the mediwitch, Sarah? he really needs to learn her name, stops by with another one of her cheery messages. "A man from accounts is stopping by at three. He says he'll meet you in your office." He manages to stifle a groan before thanking her and ducking in to check on Emily.

"Alright, Emily, what is this I'm hearing about you not doing your exercises?"

A sheepish Emily looks up from the book she's been reading and looks to her mother for help. "Oh no, Em, this one's on you." Mrs Adams pats her daughter supportively on the shoulder before turning back to smile conspiratorially at Sirius.

"Emily, I'm pretty sure Rashad explained to you why we need you to do the exercises, and I'm told that Thea went over them with you and made sure you understood, so why are we here? What's stopping you from actually doing them?" Sirius pulls an empty chair opposite Emily and sits where she can't ignore him.

"I guess they're just boring? And my joints don't even hurt so, it feels stupid having to do them everyday. It's not like there's anything wrong really." Emily's shifting nervously in her seat, obviously aware that these aren't great reasons for not doing her physio.

"Do you know that Remus has a cane?" Emily looks up in surprise at the quick change of subject and tone. "One of his knees shifted back strangely a couple of years ago causing some lasting damage to the joint. Every now and then, it doesn't quite make it back into position after he changes back and he needs to use a cane until it does."

"Does it hurt him?" Emily looks worried, but it is Mrs Adams who leans in and asks the question.

"Yes. He'd tell you it's okay, but it really isn't. He's coming in here when he visits later this month so I can look at it." Emily's eyes light up a bit at the mention of a visit from Moony and Sirius thinks,  _ I know, right? _ "The point is, Emily, that your lycanthropy is putting strain on your body every month and there's no way of knowing when the strain will be too much. We need you to try to stay strong and look after your joints, so we can be in the best position to help you when something goes wrong. I know it's boring, but canes are more than boring, does that make sense?"

Emily utters a resigned "yes", before looking to her mother again. "Can we see Moony when he comes?"

"I don't know, honey. Why don't we let Remus know you'd like to, and we'll see what we can figure out." Looking up to Sirius she says, "do you think you could let Remus know Emily would like to see him?"

"I'll do you one better. He'll be here for the next full. Will you join us? You too, Mrs Adams. We're headed back to the Lupins if that works for you."

"I'll check with my husband of course, but I think you can be sure we'll be there. Please let Hope know I'll be in touch."

"Okay, Emily. Do your exercises every day and you can join us. Deal?" Sirius holds out his hand to Emily to seal the agreement and is surprised, as he always is, at how little her hand feels in his.  _ Moony was half this age _ , he thinks. It's unimaginable.

"Okay, yes, I understand what you're saying, but I'm sure we can find a way around this."  _ From the beginning again _ . "What I need is for the payments for the presenters to come from the St Mungo's vault. There must be a way to work this." They've been at this for twenty minutes now and they're getting nowhere.

"I really don't see why you think I would help you fraudulently move money through the vault. What you're asking me to do is against the rules." Mr Baker, the man who has come up from accounts to deny Sirius' request to route his money through the St Mungo's vault, is still staring at him in the same incredulous way he was when he came in.

"Look. The problem is that my department lost its funding for this particular programme, but we have decided to go ahead with it anyway. What I need is help making it look like it isn't me paying these people." 

"You want me to launder money through the St Mungo's vault to cover for the fact that the board decided not to pay for the programme? This is, this is...I won't do it."

Biting back his frustration, Sirius makes a last stab at appealing to the man's humanity. "What I need is a way to pay my best friend to do the job I hired him to do without him finding out I'm the one paying him. Why can't I just make a donation to my own programme's account and then have the payments issued from there?"

"Why don't you just tell your best friend you lost the funding?"  _ Because then he'll do something ridiculous like volunteer when we both know he can't afford it? _

"What if someone else made the donation? What if someone made a donation to the hospital with the express condition that the money be used to pay these presenters?" Sirius watches Mr Baker keenly as he seems to mull this over.

"Someone without attachment to the hospital?"

"Yes."

"I think that could be done." Sirius is up and out of his chair before Mr Baker can find a problem with the plan.

"Thank you, Mr Baker. You have been very helpful in saving both the success of this conference and the pride of the stubborn man I'm trying to not offend."

"You're welcome, Healer Black. To be sure the money is allocated appropriately please suggest that the person making the donation send their directives through me." The handshake is firm and abrupt, very much befitting the man himself.

"I will, Sir. Thank you, very much," Sirius says to the already retreating back.

_ Well then, looks like the Potters will be making a hefty donation to the hospital this year _ . Sirius scribbles a note to James before hurrying back to the clinic. _ So bloody difficult, Remus _ , Sirius thinks, without an ounce of frustration in it.

It's late, just after eight, before Sirius manages to pull himself away from the hospital. He hasn't slept except for the couple of hours he caught on the couch last night before the call, and he's feeling it. Stepping through the floo into the front room, feels like the first time all day he's been able to slow down. He's more than ready for bed, but unfortunately there's the little matter of the promise he made to Remus last night to take care of. Alright, out of these clothes first, then a cup of tea and the call.

"Hey, Moony." Changed into sweats and a t-shirt of Remus', Sirius curls himself under an afghan in the big armchair.

"Hi Pads. Look I'm really.."

"It was fine, Remus. Really. You don't need to apologise."

"Can I explain, at least?" Remus sounds tired. It was already early morning when he called, and given the way he sounded last night, Sirius is pretty sure he woke up feeling pretty terrible.

"Hmmm, If you need to. You really don't owe me anything though."

"Yeah, but, I think I do. I had a bad day yesterday. Nothing specific, just the usual bureaucratic bullshit, but it felt harder to manage than usual. Maybe just tired." Remus takes a breath and continues, "anyway, when I was wrapping up my last class for the day, one of the professors from the history department stopped by and invited me round the pub. I honestly thought it was a group thing. A bunch of the younger profs make a habit of it, I thought that's what… I'm really sorry Sirius."

"Sorry?" Remus' words are coming in fits and starts and Sirius is having trouble following. "For what? I told you it was fine. You were drunk, and I don't know how much you remember, but I got you off the phone before you said anything much. It was fine, Moons. Really."

There's too much silence after Sirius finishes talking. He's almost ready to make sure Remus is still there when he finally hears him exhale slowly on the other end. "You're not understanding me. I'm, I'm not trying to be vague about it, I just can't bring myself to say it. God, I've been trying to figure this out all day, and still. Fuck."

"What is it you're trying to tell me? You finished classes, you went to the pub… Oh. You went on a date, Remus." He's laughing before he can stop himself. "You went on a date by accident and then got drunk because you felt, what? Awkward, guilty, nervous? Then you came home and called me. This is what you're worried about?"

"You're not angry?" Remus sounds surprised, maybe apprehensive?

"Why would I be angry, Remus? I could probably muster jealous if you need me to, but it doesn't sound like you even wanted to be there." Sirius doesn't say that the idea of Remus on a date with someone else makes him feel sick to his stomach, nor does want to encourage Remus to give him any more details, thanks.

"You're not upset? Really?"

"Not at all, Moons. For one, I'm in no position to say who you do, or don't, go on dates with, and for the other, drunk Moony was pretty complementary when he wasn't pouting about being sent to bed." Keeping his voice calm for the first part is almost impossible. It's true, at least the words are true, but it pains him to say them anyway.

"Pads, that's not… I'm not...I would have said no, you know that, right? If I'd understood it was a date I would have said no." Sirius takes a sip of his tea and tries not to hang off these words. "I know we haven't, or I haven't, figured this out yet. Whatever this is with us. But I wouldn't want to, I don't want to...I would have said no."

"Okay." It's not enough, not nearly enough, but it's all he can manage.

"Pads?"

"Yeah, Moons."

"Are you okay?" His voice is so careful, it makes Sirius want to cry.

"Will be. I just haven't slept and it was a really long day. I'm not sure I have it in me to think too much about this right now." Sirius immediately regrets the frustrated tone. "It's not your fault, Remus. Really, I'll be fine."

"You haven't slept? After I called…" Searching, then firm, "you haven't slept. What did I say, Sirius? I remember some of it, but there's something I'm missing. What did I say that hurt you?"

"You didn't say anything. I really did push you off the phone before you could. I just," Sirius burrows himself further in the blankets, willing himself to hide. "I just don't like not knowing where I stand. All I have are these phone calls, and the frankly weird shit Lily says that I still don't understand, and fuck, Rem. I just, I...I don't know. Was it better before? Like, if I'd just managed to keep my mouth shut, would this be easier? You don't have to answer that." Sirius stops to rub his eyes and take a big breath. "I'm going to go. Just let me know when to pick you up, okay? I think I'm going to have to step back until then."

"Pads…" Remus' voice breaks on the one syllable.

"I know. I just hurts, though."

"You know I lo…"

"Please don't. Just, please." Sirius squeezes his eyes shut against the effort of asking Remus not to finish that sentence. He thought he would kill to have Remus say those words, but right now it's killing him to hear them.

"Oh, God. Pads. Please don't go. Let me, just let me say something first?"

Sirius can't trust his voice to not betray him but he stays on the line and hopes that's enough.

"I never, ever wanted to hurt you. I really thought I was protecting you. All these years I thought that the best thing for you, the best way to love you, was to not burden you with me." There's a pause on Remus' end both men just breathe slowly for a breath or two. "But you're an idiot, Pads. A wonderful, beautiful, idiot who can't leave well enough alone, aren't you? I love you, please don't ever doubt that. My love for you has never been the question. The problem is that I look at you, at your work, and your friendship, and your pretty face, God, your face is so pretty, Pads, and I can't see how I'm deserving of that. That's my problem, not yours. And I need to find a way to solve it." Remus is in tears by the end of the second sentence, his voice coming through broken and strained by the end.

"How is my whole life not a testament to exactly how deserving you are?" Sirius doesn't bother trying to mask the sob that sneaks out part of the way through.

"Do you remember the Easter break in fifth year when you stayed back with me to keep me company at the full?" Sirius ruffles a little at the change in topic, but wipes his eyes and catches up. "Yeah, Pete and James had family things. It was just the two of us."

"It was the first time we'd ever been alone the morning after. I woke up curled around you and felt so...I don't know how to describe it, maybe safe works best? I went back to sleep and woke up to you talking to yourself while you tried to heal the cuts on my arm." Sirius remembers that morning, too. He'd woken up with Remus wrapped around him, one leg thrown over his thighs, and thought he'd never been happier. The way his body responded to a naked Remus pressed up against him had forced him up and out from beneath the blanket they'd shared, but he would have otherwise been very happy to stay. "Do you remember what you were talking about?"

"Are you trying to level the ground after last night, Remus?" There's a small teasing smile in his voice.

"Maybe, but do you? You were trying to talk yourself out of falling for me, and doing a terrible job. If you'd only woken me up I could have given you a thousand reasons." Sirius wants to interject, to say he wouldn't have believed them, but he remembers that morning very clearly. He'd known he was interested in Remus for quite a while at that point, but waking up pressed up against him was a new experience. One he wouldn't soon forget. "It's not just you, Pads. I'm used to talking myself out of all the things I want. I'm used to having to prepare myself to go without. When James and Lily finally got together, got married, had Harry, someone like me doesn't get through those without building up a wall to stop it from hurting so much. Now that I'm here, that this is possible, I'm having trouble taking them down."

"I'm not sure what to say, Moons. I want to tell you that I can fix it. That I can knock a hole through that wall and we'll slowly make it bigger together, but you hate when I try to fix things for you. So bloody stubborn, aren't you?" Sirius clearly doesn't have it in him to push tonight. He's exhausted, and dredging through all the things that are hurting him is not making it any better.

"I can't promise I'll get my head on all the way straight before I come next week, but I can tell you this, I've been seeing someone here, talking to someone. She's a Healer who helps people work through their childhood trauma and I think it's helping." More than surprised that Remus is not only opening up to someone, but also disclosing it to him, Sirius sits up a bit in the chair and wills himself to silence. "You'll be happy to know she thinks I'm an idiot. I made the mistake of saying your name once, early on, and she looked you up. Very unprofessional, I thought, but she made up some excuse about having the whole picture so she could help me. Anyway, she told me this week that if I don't get my act together soon she's going to see if she can't interest you in herself. I'd watch out if I were you, she doesn't seem dissuaded by your general lack of interest in women. She's told me to be ready to make my case this week. She's scary in the same way Lily is, so I'm not likely to cross her."

"Are you going to argue against us?" Remus has tried hard, Sirius knows, to lighten the mood but he's too tired to be swayed.

"What did I say last night?"

"I stopped you before you could," Sirius answers. "I didn't want to hear it if it wasn't true."

"Hmm." There's a long pause and Sirius takes the chance to take his glasses off, given how quickly he knows he'll be asleep. The silence is broken by a yawn Sirius isn't fast enough to catch. "You should get to bed Padfoot."

"I want an answer, Moons "

"You'll get one, I promise. I'll come with an answer."

"And until then?"

"Whatever you need."

"Okay. I hate this, but okay." Sirius yawns again and stretches in preparation for standing up. "I'll see you at the airport."

"You really are better than I deserve, Pads."

"And you really need to learn that that's not possible."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me on Tumblr @astoundinglymade, because you are. Astoundingly made, that is. We all are, it's wild.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sirius reacts to his conversation with Remus, and James comes by to help, or make it worse.

Friday morning arrives like an unwelcome storm and finds Sirius resetting and resetting his alarm until he's barely got time to eat and change before he needs to be at the hospital for rounds. The interns are bright eyed and alert, as usual, but Sirius knows from experience that a good deal of that will be the result of pepper up potion and fear. Thankfully they've only got three patients in house that need to be seen, so after a little more than an hour they part ways and he's able to get a coffee and something to eat. Sirius returns to his office with a cranberry scone that tastes like nothing. He follows it with the coffee that tastes like bitter nothing before heading off toward the clinic to see his patients for the day.

It's just after the new moon and Sirius is grateful today for the reprieve. For the most part the patients he sees are checking in about test results or in to monitor the progress in the healing if an old injury. Regardless, it feels like days have passed before he's able to clock out and go home for the day. Dinner is a chicken sandwich he gets from the shop on the corner and chases with all the whisky he has in the house.

The last time Sirius woke up feeling this awful in Remus' bed was the morning after James' stag party. Remus had only managed to get away from his position in France for a four day weekend so they'd done the stag on Thursday, the wedding Saturday and he'd been off again Sunday afternoon. That Friday he'd woken up in Remus' bed feeling run over and missing most of his memories of the night before. He'd woken early at first, it couldn't have been more than two hours after they'd gotten back, when the sunlight hit his face through the open blinds. "Turn off the fucking lights!," Remus had grumped from beside him and he'd laughed on his way to block the sun. Coming back to bed, he was pulled in by strong arms that hauled him close and held him until they woke again in the late afternoon.

This time, when he wakes, they are no arms around him, no voice scratchy and full of hatred for his past self, no Remus to stumble into the washroom behind him and hold his hair. This time he wakes alone, vomits alone, washes up alone and goes back to bed alone.

"Sirius? Padfoot?" James makes his way through the living room and kitchen before pausing outside Sirius' bedroom door. "Pads?"

"Go away James"  _ Right, Remus' room _ . "Sorry, Sirius, you're not getting rid of me that easily."

Opening the door to Remus' room, James finds pretty much what he'd expected. Sirius is wrapped up in the blankets even though it's barely dinner time, and it's obvious from the empty mugs, and the fact that he's wearing his glasses that he's been here for a while. James would wager, since Friday after work. "Okay, time to get up Sirius. You need a shower and a stern talking to."

"Not interested, James." Sirius pulls the covers over his head but not before James can see he's wearing one of Remus' jumpers.  _ Bloody fool _ .

"Unfortunately for you, I don't much care." In a flash James is on the bed next to Sirius, struggling to get him out of the nest of blankets he's buried himself in. "Why are you doing this? I like it in here!" Even Sirius can hear the whine in the words as they leave his mouth.

"Pathetic, Padfoot. Just pathetic. He's trying, you know. Lily says he's talking to someone. He's making an effort, and here you are laying around in bed sulking." That obviously strikes a nerve because Sirius sits up and pushes James away with two hands to his chest.

"You have no idea, no fucking idea, James." It's not rare to see Sirius angry, but still there's something different about this James can't quite get his head around. "I'm not moping because he doesn't want me. I'm livid that he's struggling. This beautiful, wonderful man is absolutely convinced he doesn't deserve me. And shut it, no one cares about your 'no one deserves you' jokes right now. You didn't hear him. He's not talking things over with that Healer, like it's a friendly chat, he's having to unlearn everything he's ever believed about himself." Sirius pulls himself free of the blankets. "I'm not upset he doesn't want me, James, I'm upset he doesn't want  _ him _ ."

"Yeah, well, right now he's upset too, because you're not talking to him." James is ushering Sirius to the door with a change of clothes. "He was pretty upset on the phone to Lily this morning which was how I figured out you were probably holed up in here."

"Is he okay?" Sirius sounds so broken that James decides to save the rest of this conversation until he looks like he's gotten a little life back into him.

"He's okay now. Lily took care of it," James says while pushing sirius toward the bathroom. "Alright, you have a shower and then we're going to get some food into you. Something tells me you haven't eaten in a fair while."

James waits until he hears the water running then floo calls home. "Hey Lils, he's a mess. In bed, hasn't eaten, just like we thought. Is Moony any better?"

"Oh, please, Harry, stop licking the stones! Sorry, babe, he's everywhere today." Lily throws one last look over her shoulder before refocusing on her husband. "Remus is alright. I made sure he had a plan for food and promised him I'd check in later. Are you going to tell Sirius about his question?"

"I'll honestly say anything if I think it will get him functioning again."

"Just be careful. Sirius told Remus he needed some space. If you tell him, you know he'll go screaming off to confront Remus about it. There's a chance he'll make it worse." 

James runs his hands over his face and runs runs one through his hair before answering. "I don't know, Lily. I'd say we just have to get them through this week but then, if Remus turns him down, I really don't know what he'll do this time. I found him in Remus' bed today. His clothes were all in there. It isn't new."

"I know," Lily says with a quick nod. "Remus told me he basically told Sirius to sleep in there while he was gone. He was worried and wanted Sirius to know he was welcome. Plus he likes it, I think, though he'd never say that."

"Shit. The shower's off. Gotta go! I'll check in later once I've got him moving again."

James has the kettle on and two mugs out on the counter when Sirius makes it into the kitchen showered and in new clothes. New clothes of Remus', but James isn't going to worry about that right now. "Think about what you want to eat and I'll go pick it up, yeah?"

"Not hungry, James," Sirius says as he slumps into a chair at the table.

"Sure, just like you weren't in need of a shower. Just pick something, you know I'm not going to take no for an answer." James plunks the mugs on the table with a stack of menus he dug out from the drawer in the front hall.

"Fine, curry. You can just tell them it's for Remus, they'll know the order." Sirius pulls an orange flyer from the middle of the stack and hands it to James without looking.

"Will you be okay here while I go?"

"I mean, I'll still be here when you get back, if that's what you're asking." Sirius has his hands wrapped around his mug, his shoulders slumped low enough that he's almost touching the tea with his chin.

"Okay. I'll be as quick as I can."

It takes James thirty minutes to come back with the food, and he swears ten of those were spent listening to the woman at the curry house implore him to give the extra naan to Remus and make sure he eats enough. "That boy is always too skinny," she tells him twice before he can finally get away. Sirius is exactly where James left him, at the table, hands wrapped around a still full, but now cold, mug of tea. This is going to be harder than he thought.

"Pads," James starts after he's made them each a plate and settled at the table. "Have you thought about what you're going to do if he says no?"

"When"

"What?"

"When he says no. You're saying if, like there's a chance." Sirius is still bent over his mug and James reached over to unwrap his fingers and pull it away.

"If, Sirius. You're not there when he calls Lily. It's an if, trust me."

"I know Remus better than you do, James. I know us better than you do. He knows I'll be there regardless, it's a measured risk on his part." This is the part that infuriates Sirius wherever he thinks about it. He stands to lose everything but he knows he'd never find it in himself to leave Remus. Remus has an unfair advantage and he knows it.

"Lily isn't telling me much because she knows that whatever she does tell me will go straight to you, but I can hear her, on our end, and she's telling him to take the risk. She wants him to be happy, you know that."

"Right, but he wants to be safe. That's what you always miss about him. He doesn't do happy and sad. Kids like us, we never got a taste for happy, all we had was safe and unsafe. I made all my decisions based on safe or unsafe for years after I left home, Remus still does." James considers this for a moment, then picks his fork back up in a bid to encourage Sirius to do the same.

"And he thinks he's safe in France?" James nudges Sirius' fork while he speaks but he gets waved away.

"He thinks France keeps me safe. He can bottle his feelings back up, he knows that, he's done it before. He's not as worried about himself this time." Sirius finally reaches for his fork and James is relieved before he realises Sirius only wants something to do with his hands. "He told me he doesn't want to die on me. He thinks I deserve someone who will live, and be healthy, and be able to give me more. What the hell is more, James? All I do is go to work and come home. Literally anything is more than that."

"Are you worried about him dying? He's got, what, maybe twenty years?"

"Twenty if we're very lucky. And yeah, I'm terrified about him dying, aren't you terrified about Lily dying? Isn't that the right way to feel about someone you love?" Sirius can feel his chest growing tight and the tears gathering in the corners of his eyes. "What he won't understand, won't even listen to, is that I'd take five years with him over forty with anyone else. I don't want more, I want Moony."

An hour later Sirius is still impassively sat at the table. He hasn't eaten, no matter how James has tried to push and prod him. It's been dark for hours now, and still he's no closer to feeling like Sirius will be able to do anything useful tomorrow, or the next day, or maybe at all until Remus is here.

"I don't know if I'm supposed to tell you this or not, but Remus asked if he could stay with us when he comes," James says very carefully from his seat across the table.

Sirius' eyes snap up and James is immediately sure he's done the wrong thing. "He what?," Sirius grits out, through clenched teeth.

"He asked Lily this morning if he could stay with us if, you know, if he can't stay here."

"Why the fuck would he not be able to stay here, James?" Sirius' whole body is tense. His knuckles are white where they clench the table and his jaw is so tight, it's making his already prominent cheekbones look dangerous.

"I think he's just making sure he has options." James is careful to keep his tone conversational, but it isn't having the effect he wants. It's clear that Sirius is out for blood.

"Right. Well, thank you very much for coming to check on me, but I think I need to make a call now and I'd rather do it alone."  _ Oh, shit, Lily is going to kill me _ , James thinks, while he tries to soothe Sirius with a smile.

"Come on, Pads, I'm not sure that's a good idea." Calm voice and soothing gestures, but none of it is working.

"Fine, your disapproval is noted for the record. Now, please, I need to make a call." James gathers his things and vows to check in on Sirius first thing in the morning to make sure he's up and prepared to go in to the hospital.

"Sirius, be careful, okay? You said it yourself, he's afraid. Don't make that worse." James has the floo powder in hand, ready to throw when he hears Sirius' answer.

"How could it be worse?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me on Tumblr @astoundinglymade, because you are. Astoundingly made, that is. We all are, it's wild.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about that cliffhanger, but we're back, from Durban this time!
> 
> Sirius is angry, Remus blushes, and Mrs Lupin is better than everyone.

"You utter bastard!" Sirius practically yells into the receiver. "You're already making plans to leave!"

"Pads…"

"Don't 'Pads' me! You called Lily and asked if you could stay with them when you come. You're giving in, aren't you?" Remus starts to say something in response but Sirius can't hear him over the sound of his own heartbeat pounding in his ears. "I've never known you to be a coward, Remus, and yet here you are, already planning an escape route."

"And here you are already jumping down my throat without even taking the time to find out why!" Remus so rarely raises his voice that Sirius stops short. "If, IF Sirius, if I say no, are you really going to want me around? I'm trying to do what's best here. I don't want you to feel like you're stuck with me if you'd rather I was gone."

"Get it through your fucking skull, Remus! I am never going to want you gone. Never. Not when you're the wolf, not when you're old and broken at 35, not when you're dying and I'm facing another lifetime alone!" Sirius has moved into a new kind of anger, less aggressive and more defensive. He knows that yelling isn't going to help his case, but he's just so tired of losing. "I will never, never, ever, ever, ever, want you gone, Moony. I hate it every day that you're away. I'd rather you were here and rejecting me, than whatever this is. How can you think I'd go to these lengths to get you back here, only to send you away?"

"Okay."

"Okay!?"

"Yeah, okay. I'll tell Lily I won't be coming. I never wanted to go, I just wanted to make sure you'd.."

"Oh, fucking think about yourself for once! What do you want? Stop trying to protect me and running ahead to make sure everyone else will be happy. Be selfish for once!"  _ Always the little boy, eager to keep the peace and keep his secrets. Haven't you had enough of that yet?  _ "When you come home, you'd better have an answer and you'd better be ready to defend it. You think Lily is scary? You're going to be stuck here with me. If you want to say no, you're going to have to tell me why."

"You're making this impossible, Sirius." His voice is tired, almost as if he'd been enjoying a quiet night and someone called to yell at him out of the blue.

"Yes, Moony. This is what fighting for something you want looks like." Sirius knows he could be kinder but he's running out of time, and he's still angry even if he's beginning to lose touch with why. "You should try it sometime. It hurts like hell when it fails, but you never walk away feeling like you could have done more. I might lose you, but I will never have to live knowing I just let you just walk away."

The silence drags on the other side long enough for Sirius to calm down and start to worry that he's pushed too hard. "I know that I'm not...I don't... I'm usually one to keep all my thoughts inside, so it can be hard to tell but, I really do want this. I want you. I want us."

"Then come fucking take me, Remus. It's that easy. It's always been that easy. You just have to let yourself do it." There's an abrupt silence, then Sirius laughs, low and quiet. "You're so stubborn. How many of these fights have we had? Just stupid fights about something when we're both on the same side, but you're choosing to be difficult about it." Another chuckle, barely a rumble. "James used to tell me I picked them on purpose. He said I liked it when you got all up in my face and he wasn't wrong. The Remus that stands up for himself and pushes back? Tell me you don't know that turns me on."

"Pads!"

"Oh, be quiet with that prudish nonsense. Lily told me you saw me at work reprimanding a couple of interns and you thought I looked powerful, or in control or something, said you liked it. I couldn't figure it out for the longest time but I did didn't I?" Sirius is fully smug now, voice low and suggestive. "You like me like that, Moons?"

The whimpering sound that escapes Remus is more than enough confirmation for Sirius. "Is it the uniform, Moons, maybe the authority?"

"The way you were standing," Remus says in the same way Sirius has heard him answer a thousand truth questions over the years in the common room. It's a tone that says,  _ 'I hate this, but there's no stopping it.' _ "You planted your feet, set your shoulders and pulled up to your full height. That Alexis kid thought he could take liberties with you, but you put him right back in his place before you'd even opened your mouth. Cocksure, Pads. That's what you were."

"Moony," it comes out like a breath. "Fuck, I wish you were here."

"Soon, Pads. I'll be home soon."

  
  


The next four days pass in preparations for the conference and in gradually getting everyone ready for next Monday's transformation. For the most part Sirius manages to keep his head about him, but he's truly grateful for the way the interns have been taking charge. He's been drinking quite a lot this week, mostly to help him sleep, and eating far too little, and it leaves him sort of vague and unfocused most of the time.  _ Better than being able to think clearly enough to count the hours _ , he thinks as he makes his way back from yet another meeting with the conference committee on Wednesday afternoon. And then by reflex,  _ somewhere around 45 probably _ .

It feels like a death sentence. Today in the meeting he sat and listened to person after person discuss the equipment Mr Lupin has requested for his sessions, or the summary of topics Mr Lupin has provided, and every time he felt something in his chest tightening painfully. By the end of the meeting he isn't clear whether he's more afraid of Remus, in their house, telling him it's over, or Remus here, at his work, after he already knows.  _ Regardless _ , he thinks,  _ the worst outcome is that someday I'll have to call him Mr Lupin too. _

"Hello? Sirius?"

As usual, Sirius had only answered the phone because he thought it might be Remus calling, or an emergency, or worse, a Remus related emergency. The woman's voice surprises him at first but then it registers and he's thankful he didn't immediately hang up. "Mum."

"Yes, dear. I'm calling to see how you're doing. I spoke to my son earlier and it seems you two have decided to torture each other again, so I thought it best to call and check in on you." Mrs Lupin's voice is warm and teasing and it easily brings a smile to Sirius' face.

"I'm doing terribly. He's absolutely maddening, and I hate that I love him all the more for it." Sirius lets out what feels like the first laugh in weeks.

"I know, love. He's stubborn to a fault, always has been. Even as a boy, but then you'd remember."

"Is he alright? I don't know what all he's told you but we haven't spoken this week. I told him it was too hard." Sirius hears his voice break and doesn't care. Hope has always seem right through him, anyway. "In the end, I'm not sure this was any easier."

"Of course he's not alright." Her tone is sharp and scolding. "He's a fool and he misses you like mad. I'll not betray his confidence, but I will tell you he's been packed since Tuesday. Fool or not he'll be waiting for you at the airport tomorrow."

"Oh, God!" It hits Sirius all in a rush. "There's a chance he could just not come!" Somehow in all the agonizing over what will be said, what will change, what all he'll lose, he has never considered that Remus could do an end run around the whole situation and just not show up.

"Oh! Oh, no, Sirius. He's not going to, I promise you, he's never said anything that led me to believe he wouldn't come. I was just, I'm so sorry, I was just talking." He can hear the words, he can, he just can't really put them together. Remus could not come. He could just not get on the plane and Sirius can't believe he hasn't considered that. "Sirius. Love. He's coming. If you'd like I'll call him tomorrow and threaten him with something if he doesn't, would you like that? I'll refuse to make his favourite biscuits this Christmas, or threaten to leave the window to his room open during a storm. All those books, imagine the wrinkled pages, Sirius. I'm sure he will."

_ Goodness, she's wonderful _ . The first time Mrs Lupin had to talk him down had been in fourth year when her and Lyall had all the boys over for Easter. Sirius' parents had spent the holiday with several other families, most of them with children in Slytherin, and some of those kids had taken the opportunity to talk. The result was a howler that came screaming into the middle of the Lupin Easter brunch. At the time Sirius didn't know Hope well, and he certainly hadn't expected her to curse, but hearing those words out of her mouth had done the trick. She'd been clever in trying to make him laugh every time since.

"Not the books, Mum. He'll never forgive either of us." His voice isn't quite solid yet, still a quiver from the panic and too thin, but it's there nonetheless.

"There's my boy. Back with me now?" Sirius can almost see her. She's in the kitchen, that's a guarantee because they've only got the one phone, and she'll likely either leaned up against the counter or sat in the purple chair at the table. She'll tell you they don't do assigned seating at the Lupin house, but Sirius knows for a fact that the purple one is her favourite.

"Yeah, yeah I'm here. Thank you."

"Always. You know that." And he does. "Remus is only reckless when it comes to his own heart, Sirius. He wouldn't risk yours."  _ But he has _ , Sirius can't help but think,  _ if he turns me down, he has. _

_ Less than twenty hours now. _ "You're sure he's alright?"

"I'm sure he's going to lie awake all night just like you are, dear. Now go pretend to get some sleep. Can't have you exhausted at the airport tomorrow." Her voice is back to teasing, she's pulling him out. "Not if you're putting my son on that bike of yours."

"I'm a good driver, Mrs Lupin." Indignant, using the full force of the voice his parents taught him to hate.

"Such cheek!" They're joking and he knows it's a sign to her that he'll be alright. "Get some rest, Sirius. My son is likely going to be an idiot tomorrow, and you're going to need to have your wits about you to fix it."

"I'll try." He means it more about the fixing than the sleep but she's kind enough not to split hairs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me on Tumblr @astoundinglymade, because you are. Astoundingly made, that is. We all are, it's wild.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remus is home, but you still might hate me.
> 
> *tw: for panic attacks. Sirius is going to have a panic attack, if you need to skip this chapter, I will summarize what happens in the notes before the next one. Look after yourself, as always.

"Sirius,..." But Sirius just pushes the helmet into his hands and waves him onto the bike. Whatever is going to happen, he just wants this ride first. Forty five minutes more in this liminal space where anything is possible.

Remus only smiles and slips the helmet onto his head before settling onto the seat behind him. Sirius feels Remus' hands slide under his shirt and link fingers tightly around him. He doesn't know if Remus is saying hello or goodbye as he runs his hands over Sirius' hips and he tries hard not to let his mind sink into the scary place where both answers exist at the same time. This is the benefit of the bike, after all, this forced contact without the discomfort of communication. On the bike Remus can wrap himself like an extra skin around Sirius' body and claim necessity, he can turn his head and nestle into Sirius' shoulder and blame the wind. At the same time, Sirius is left powerless as the driver. He pushes back against Remus' forward slide, bringing them impossibly close and nudges his arms tighter, but otherwise he's unable to respond the entire ride home while his brain screams to pull Remus in and never let him go.

Stilling the engine in the garage is perhaps the scariest moment Sirius has ever lived.  _ This is it, _ he thinks, and his heart races with the fear of it. Moving quickly, before Remus can react to the stop, he reaches his arms back to hold him in place.  _ Not yet, I'm not ready, just stay with me a little longer _ . Remus makes no move to leave and the two of them just sit for a long moment until the garage door clatters shut behind them, startling them both.

Remus is the first to move, pulling off his helmet and burying his face in the curve of Sirius' neck.  _ Oh God, we're hopeless, _ Sirius thinks.  _ There's a very real chance we are never getting off this bike. _ "Pads…," Remus says into the join of Sirius' neck and shoulder and Sirius buys himself time by taking off his helmet as well. "Can we do this upstairs?"

"Hmmm, Yeah, sure," Remus mumbles while running one hand up into Sirius' hair in a bid to keep him close. "I just, please."

"Moons, I can't do this. Fuck. Please Moony, don't hurt me more than you have to." He knows he sounds pathetic but he really doesn't have a choice. If he keeps letting Remus hold him, and touch him, and press his mouth into his neck right fucking there, it's only going to be worse when he finds out it's the only time. "Please."

This pleading seems to get through to Remus and he pulls back to climb off the bike, his hand never leaving Sirius for even a second. Sliding from his stomach, over his side, up his back and across his shoulders before running down the sleeve of Sirius' jacket and taking his hand. Sirius, for his part, keeps his eyes firmly on the ground as he shifts his weight and climbs down. Sliding his hand from Remus' takes nearly everything he has, but he's building walls, just as fast as he wants Remus to let his down, in anticipation of the rejection he's bracing for.

It takes forever and absolutely not enough time for them to climb the stairs and Remus finds himself having to gently take the keys from Sirius, who can't seem to keep his hands from shaking. He doesn't miss the way Sirius flinches when their fingers touch, and he has to take a breath and remind himself again why it's important to handle this the way he'd planned. Opening the door, Remus realises that Sirius is waiting for him to go in first.  _ Oh my God, so he doesn't have to touch me _ , he thinks in horror, and it breaks his heart to feel strong, confident Sirius slink behind him into his own home.

"Should we talk about this right away then?" Remus waits until their jackets are hung and shoes off to give Sirius a chance to find his own space. "Want a drink or anything?"

Sirius just shakes his head as he pulls himself into the corner of the couch, knees under his chin, arms pulled against his chest. Remus moves toward him but stops when Sirius looks as if he might bolt. "Pads… Sirius." Remus lowers himself to the far end and rests his head in his hands. "I'm not here to hurt you, Pads. Can I...I promise, Sirius. I'm here to find a way to make this work. I'm not saying no."

"That's not a yes though, is it?" It's the first time Sirius has spoken since the garage, since he found himself pleading with Remus to let him go.

When Sirius left home and showed up broken and bruised at the Potter's, he had stayed just like this, closed off and nearly catatonic, for days. It wasn't until Remus was able to get to him on the second day that they managed to get anything into him. Two more days of silence, and night sweats, and needing to be held very tightly before he began to talk. It isn't lost on Remus now, that this time he's the cause of the pain, no longer the salvation. Even in sixth year, when Sirius led Snape to the wolf, Remus was able to put aside his anger long enough to pull Sirius back into himself. Sure, they fought for weeks afterward, and Remus took months to finally forgive him, but those first few days when Sirius had been so tightly wound in his own traitorous mind, Remus had been able to help. Now that he's the cause, he's at a loss.

"Do you want James?" Remus has to forcibly sit on his hands to stop himself from reaching out to soothe the tension from his friend's body. Sirius is vibrating ever so slightly and the fingers of his left hand are busily tapping out a stuttered sequence against his right wrist.  _ He's going to need someone, and he doesn't want me _ . "Should I call him?"

There's no answer, only the sight of Sirius pulling his hands up to cover his ears, rounding his shoulders protectively to meet his knees. That telltale movement makes Remus' mind up for him.

"James?" 

"Remus! James isn't back yet. When did you get in, how was the flight?"

"Lily, get James. Get him now, please. Sirius is… Just get him?" Remus hasn't taken his eyes off the twisted shape that is Sirius on the couch. He knows he isn't hearing any of this, never hears anything in this state, but he's not about to go into detail anyway. He needs James and he needs him now.

"Okay, okay, I'm on it," Lily says all in a rush.

The line clicks and Remus just drops the phone. Every single person who would call here is already on the way, there's no need to waste time he doesn't have.

Sometimes Sirius responds to music when he's having a panic attack and if touch is off the table, Remus is ready to try anything else. He finds Billie Holiday, his battered copy of Billie Holiday at Jazz at the Philharmonic, on the turntable and grimaces as he realises Strange Fruit is the only track on the entire album that isn't just Billie singing about him and Sirius, and Sirius and him in all their permutations. It takes five repeats of the song before James stumbles through the door.

"What's wrong? Where is he?" James in a crisis is all elbows and knees where there is usually a natural bulky grace. The build of a chaser in the robes of an Auror. His eyes flash around the room until they land on the crown of Sirius' head where it rises above the arm of the sofa.

"Hold him, James. He needs to be held, but it can't be me." James moves to stand in front of Sirius then stops as it hits him he's never done this before. "It's okay, James. Just pull him into you, wrap him tightly. He needs something firm right now. Something he can hold on to."

James sits and maneuvers Sirius into him, back to chest, thighs against thighs, arms holding the whole mess of them together. "What happened?"

"Not now. We'll talk about it but not now." Resetting the track again, Remus allows himself to slide to the floor and rest his head back against the shelves.

Remus sleeps at the Potter's that night. He waits, out of the way, until James gets Sirius changed into a pair of pyjama pants and an old concert shirt of Remus' and tucks him in between the flannel sheets in the room that's not his, but also mostly his. Once Sirius is settled James ducks out into the kitchen under the guise of getting water and grabs Remus' wrist where he's reaching for his jacket.

"We're going to talk about this. Whatever you've done, we're going to fix it." Remus wants to say that he hasn't done anything, but even he doesn't believe it. "You'll sleep at mine tonight, but this is not over." Unable to muster a defence, Remus simply nods his head before turning to the floo.

"Come here, Rem." It's clear from the half empty bottle of wine on the table in front of Lily that she's been waiting for something, or someone, to catch her up on what is happening. Her eyes are soft and her voice is kind but Remus has just been stared down by her husband in an almost menacing way and it takes him a second to let that tension go.

"Sirius was...I…" The tears well up and out before he can stop them, and with the first guttural sob Remus feels all the nervousness and tension and guilt and fear of the day come crashing over him at once.

"Is James staying with him?" Lily's voice comes from very close to his heart, her arms snaking their way around his waist until she's holding him tightly to her, her hands reaching up to push gently on the backs of his shoulders. All Remus can manage is a small nod, but Lily feels it and lets out a hum of acknowledgement. "Let's get you to bed, Rem."

Remus feels himself being guided up the stairs and into the bedroom, unsure the whole time who is sending the messages to his feet to lift and step and settle, because he's quite sure that's not something he's currently capable of on his own. Lily hands over a pair of James' old school pyjamas which will inevitably be both too short and too wide for Remus before heading into the washroom to wash up. When she returns, Remus is changed and sitting numbly on the edge of the bed and she gently tucks him under the sheets before crawling in and curling herself around him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me on Tumblr @astoundinglymade, because you are. Astoundingly made, that is. We all are, it's wild.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short one today, but like, we need it.

When Remus awakens, it's to an empty bed and the sounds of someone rustling through the drawers next to him. "Oh, Remus, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to wake you. I'm just digging out some clothes to send over to James. Sirius has requested Harry this morning so I'll just be popping him over. Why don't you wash up and I'll fix you something to eat?" She's out the door before he can fully process the words, and it's her feet on the stairs and the whoosh of the floo that tell him he's too late.

An hour passes before Lily returns, forced smile and all. "Oh, great, you're up. Let's get you some breakfast then. Are you good with eggs?"

Remus follows her bustling form into the kitchen and stills her rummaging in the fridge with a hand over hers where it holds the door. "Please, Lily."

"He's alright, Remus." Lily sinks into a chair at the kitchen table, all pretence of food forgotten. "James said he managed to get him to sleep last night and this morning he's asked for Harry snuggles which is a good sign. Last time it was...well, it's a good sign."

Remus folds himself into the chair across the table from Lily and speaks directly to her eyes. "When was last time"

"Just leave it, okay? What's done is done, he'll have Harry cuddles today and maybe some food by tonight and we'll get him pulled together in a couple of days." It's obvious that Lily is trying to put him off asking any questions with her authoritative tone, but he's not going down that easily.

"When I left. He did this when I left? But James, he didn't know what to do. He just stood there until I told him."

"That's because I looked after him. Just like I did when you went back two months ago, just like I will when you leave again this time." There's bitterness there, just at the edges of the resignation. Mostly though, Lily just sounds tired. "Look, he's… He's just not good without you. And that's not yours to sort out. It's not, Remus, it belongs to him. Every time this happens he promises me he'll start talking to someone about it and every time he weasels out of it somehow. I don't know what happened, but unlike James, I'm not inclined to think you did anything at all. It's not mine to talk about, but Sirius is not built for this sort of thing. He doesn't have the ability to lock his feelings up the way you and I do. He just wants and needs and feels and fears so badly, and this is the inevitable result."

Moving her hand across the table to pull Remus' away from where he's picking at his already inflamed cuticles, Lily offers him a small, sad, smile and squeezes his hand in her own. "He'll be ready to talk in a day or two. You can try again then."

Remus gives him exactly twenty minutes.

Arriving through the floo with a frantic and protesting Lily just behind him, Remus takes stock of the living room. There's evidence that someone, likely James, slept on the couch and there are mugs and water glasses out on the table making it unlikely much sleeping actually got done. Nodding briskly, he turns, and in six strides is through to the hall where he is faced with a with a startled looking James blocking his way.

"Out of my way, James." The steel in his voice widens James' eyes even further. "Now, James. Move."

Later James will say he doesn't remember moving at all. He remembers being faced with an imposing and determined Remus, then he remembers being alone flush against the side wall, then Lily at his side. The movement, whether he moved, or Remus pushed, neither of them remember.

In the bedroom at the end of the hall Remus softens his shoulders, his hands, his face. "Hello Harry! Can you come with me, little one?," and lifts the boy from the bed.

"Hand him to me, Rem." There's fear in Lily's eyes, but mostly love, as she takes her son into her arms. "Call if you need us. I'm going to take my boys home." Remus leans into the hand on his shoulder, eyes closing, for a long moment then nods and steps away.

"Moons." A breath more than a word.

Looking at the bed, his bed, and seeing Sirius pulled up tight, into a ball, into himself against the headboard, Remus feels the last ten minutes catch up with him in a rush of pounding heartbeats and gasping breath. "Pads."

There was a moment when Remus was 12, probably, if he's honest with himself, a crucial moment in everything that followed, when Sirius, frustrated with his increasingly terrible lies, had sought him out and found him in the infirmary covered in bandages and half dazed by the potions meant to keep him unaware of the worst of the pain.  _ This is that moment in reverse _ , he thinks now.  _ Did he already feel this? We were children. What's the 12 year old version of ripped apart from the inside? _

There's a flash of warning, maybe a hint of hesitation, but Remus doesn't allow it time to surface before he's collapsing onto the bed, brown eyes locked on grey, arms reaching to pull Sirius to his chest.

"I'm so, so, sorry. So sorry Padfoot." The words are mumbled into Sirius' temple as Remus holds him close and tight. "So sorry. Should have been here. So, so, sorry."

Remus continues to mumble words and sounds and just breathe against Sirius' head, his hair, the curve of his cheek, and slowly he feels the body in his arms begin to loosen. "Love you," he whispers as he pulls the blankets over them both and they give themselves over to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me on Tumblr @astoundinglymade, because you are. Astoundingly made, that is. We all are, it's wild.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let the relationship negotiations begin!

They wake in the afternoon. The light is already getting low and neither of them want to move, both afraid of breaking whatever fragile truce they've made, but bladders need to be emptied and stomachs are making themselves heard. It's an awkward fumble to get them both out of the bed and through the bathroom to the kitchen where Remus starts rustling through the cupboards for the makings of tea and toast.

"James is too short." The sound is quiet, slow, but in the silence of the kitchen, it comes through light and clear.

"Too short?," Remus asks pulling the toaster closer so he can reach it without having to move the arm he's keeping around Sirius' waist. "Too short for what?"

"Basketball, reaching the top shelf, holding all the parts of me together. Lily's too short too, but she's soft and scary which makes up for it." Sirius' hand slides up Remus' back, just under the shirt he's been wearing for most of the last two days. "Smells wrong too."

"I thought you wouldn't want me. I thought...it was my fault. I didn't want to make it worse." Remus pauses and rests his head against the cupboard door, just feeling the way the callouses on Sirius' fingers are traveling up his spine.

"Always want you, Moons." He moves to press himself against Remus' back. Knees into knees, chest against shoulders, head turned into his neck. "Even when it's your fault. Always. Just you.'

"I'm not saying no, Sirius. I'm not. I'm just saying it's a lot. And I'm saying I don't think I'm who I want to be yet. I'm still sorting through what this means."

"Are you staying on in France?" Remus has taken a risk bringing all of this back up again, and he's relieved to hear Sirius still with him now, even if his voice is too thin, barely audible.

"No. I've already written my resignation. I have it with me. I didn't want to send it until I was sure." Sirius' hands are sliding down his sides and over his hips now and Remus is pretty sure nothing has ever felt the way this does, all softness and sure fingers. He sucks in a sharp breath as hands trace the peaks of his hip bones and Sirius hums a low chuckle between his shoulder blades. "Like that, Moons?"

"Obviously," Remus says as calmly as he can manage. "But we need to talk about this. And you are trying to distract me."

"Like you were yesterday on the bike?" There's a smile in Sirius' voice, he's teasing, and Remus latches onto it like a lifeline out of everything that's happened since he got here.

"Do you know how much I missed you?" Remus rolls his head to the side and Sirius lifts up on his toes to kiss the underside of his jaw.

"I have some idea, yeah." Sirius runs his teeth down the long line of Remus' jaw before leaving wet kisses down the front of his throat.

"You're the worst, Pads." Remus turns smoothly in the circle of Sirius' arms and lifts him, turns him, to sit him on the counter before squaring his hips between his knees and holding his face forward with a hand on each side of his jaw. "Such a terrible distraction."

"Oh, I think you like my distractions just fine." The smirk on Sirius' face is worth the sleepless nights, the appointments with his Healer that wrench him open and force him into the darker corners of his mind. Remus can't imagine how he's gone this long without seeing Sirius smile. In the face of it he can't imagine surviving a day.

"You're a smug bastard, but you're not wrong." Remus ducks his head to kiss Sirius along his neck and threads a hand into his hair. "I'd love to let you distract me, but I need to know where we stand first. If we start this I'm unlikely to want to stop." The last is whispered against Sirius' skin, just below his ear.

Sirius' legs come up and wrap Remus tightly to him, ankles locking behind his thighs. Briefly aware that they're in the kitchen, that he's still wearing yesterday's clothes, that he's here, with Sirius, hand in his hair, mouth on his neck, Remus stiffens against the action. Then Sirius' words, low, and smooth, and dead sexy, hit the part of him that thinks all of this is a problem for future Remus to deal with, and today's Remus is ready to throw that guy directly under the closest bus. "I'm not going to tell you to stop."

"Fuck...Fuck...Pads. I can't, we can't…"  _ Words are hard when Sirius has his hands on him _ , Remus thinks distantly.  _ I should be, I need to… _ "Stop, Pads, wait, wait...stop."

Pulling back as far as arms and legs will let him, Remus adjusts the hand in Sirius' hair and holds his eye. "We need to talk about this. Trust me, I really don't want to be saying this. I'd much rather be taking you to bed," Remus feels the legs around him tighten and gets the confirmation that he's not the only one with moving this to the bedroom in mind. "I just need to know we're not making this worse."

Sirius keeps his eyes where they are and rolls his hips earning him a gasp from Remus. "Just so you know where I stand on the issue, Moons." Another infuriating smirk on those beautiful lips. "You know I want you, and I've been pretty clear about how I feel about you, but I want this to work. I'm happy to give you what you need."

Remus leans in to kiss Sirius on the cheek and whispers a quiet "thank you" next to his ear.

"Anything for you, Remus." The smirk is gone, replaced now with a small smile, private and close. "Any chance you want to get cleaned up and I'll take you out to dinner? Proper first date?" It's silly, really. They've been negotiating whatever this is for months now in frank conversations, and therapy sessions, and talks with Lily and James, but Remus feels something in him positively flutter when Sirius asks him out.

"I call first shower," Remus says as he unhooks Sirius' ankles from behind his legs. "And don't even think about it. I'm locking the door."

"You're no fun, Moony!" Sirius yells after him with a laugh. "No fun at all"

"You look lovely," Sirius says as they leave the flat. "And you're gorgeous, as always," Remus answers, with the thrill of being able to finally say these things aloud.

Dinner is proper pizza at the place on the next block where Sirius knows the owner and they can be guaranteed a table out of the way. The walk, however brief, is cold for the turn in the weather, November now, and they both forgo gloves for holding hands in the pocket of Sirius' great coat. Remus feels a bit silly the first time he looks over and catches Sirius looking back, but by the third they are giggling like schoolgirls until Remus pulls Sirius in and kisses his temple. They're on their way to have a difficult discussion, but also on their first date, and lifelong friends, and all of this together smooths over some of the sharper edges of Remus' anxiety and leaves him almost giddy with anticipation. He no longer fears that they won't work it out, now he just wants to know how.

Sirius orders for both of them which is ridiculous, and, in Sirius' view, which he delivers in a strikingly good impression of his mother, the proper way to treat a lady. He puts special emphasis on the word lady in a way that suggests the term itself is nearly as ridiculous as the advice. "If you're under the impression that I'm a lady, this is going to be a far more difficult talk then I thought," Remus says over the rim of his wine glass.

"You may not be a lady, but perhaps it wouldn't hurt to pretend. The last time you tried to talk to me about this, you had clearly been drinking in a manner very much unbefitting a lady, and I'd rather not have a repeat." Sirius tips his glass pointedly at Remus. "That said, I wouldn't mind spending time with drunk Remus another day. He had some very nice things to say about me."

"I'm sure sober Remus has quite enough of his own to keep you busy," Remus says and nudges Sirius' knee under the table with his own. "You never did tell me what I said. Anything regrettable?"

"All nice things, Moony. Nothing I'd want you to take back." The smile he offers is paired with a slide of his calf along the side of Remus' leg in a way that makes the recipient's face go momentarily slack. "It was quite nice, really. Called me beautiful, pouted a bit, made me promise to call you. Drunk Remus can feel free to call me anytime."

"Christ, Pads." Remus covers his face in embarrassment but it's not enough to block the blush that spreads across his cheeks in a rush. "I'm really sorry, I am. It was such a weird night and I felt awful. I left as soon as I understood what had happened, and I know I should have gone straight home, but I felt like I couldn't face you. It honestly felt like I'd betrayed you."

"Yeah, well. I wasn't entirely upfront either," Sirius says into his dinner. "I told you the next day I didn't have any claim on you, and it nearly killed me. Even though you were telling me you'd have never gone with her if you'd known, I couldn't help but get a crash course in what it would feel like to see you with someone else." Sirius hooks his right foot behind Remus' and drags it forward a couple of inches. "Want you for myself."

Tilting his head to the side, Remus looks Sirius over closely, brow pulled together in concentration. "So fucking distracting."

"You want me, Moons?" Sirius is obviously reveling in the attention as he pulls up straight and lets a slow smile spread across his face.

"Always. Since forever." Remus' eyes are still focused, still watching like he's trying to memorize every detail of Sirius' face. "Sometimes I can't remember a time before I loved you. It feels like, I think, sometimes I think about all the ways you've made me who I am and I wonder where I'd be without you. Would I have survived to now? Would I have managed to stay hidden? Would I be teaching? Would I be alone? When I was a kid I always assumed I'd be alone. But then there was you. I never expected you."

"Is this what you're worried about? Are you worried we're too much a part of each other?" Sirius slides his fingers between Remus' and squeezes. "Do you think it's not the same for me?"

"I'm worried that I'll fuck it up. I need you. I need you to remind me that I'm a person, and hold me together when the walls close in, and put me back together after the full." Remus looks their hands over as the plates are cleared, then back up to Sirius' face with a sad smile once the server is gone. "I don't know how to be me without you."

"Moons. I slept in your room for months. I spend days in bed every time you leave. What happened yesterday, that's not new."

"Hmmm, Lily told me. She let slip something about last time and I pushed her." Remus looks at their hands where they are tangled together while he talks.

"I'm worried too, you know." Sirius tugs a little on Remus' arm, pulling it closer until he can run his fingers up his forearm to his elbow and back again. "Historically it's me that wrecks things. I think a lot about that. But mostly I think about having to give up this." He taps his fingers gently on the sensitive inside of Remus' arm before going back to drawing little circles with his knuckles. "I love touching you. I've always loved your hands on me. God, that kiss, Remus. One fucking kiss and I swear three days later the interns had to snap me out of a daze in the middle of a consult." Sirius' breathy laugh does something twisting to Remus' insides. "So yeah, I'm terrified of fucking this up too, but honestly, tell me you could go back. Tell me that we could be friends, look after Harry, go to the Potter's for New Years and you be fine not being able to hold my hand or kiss me at midnight. Tell me you could see me with someone else. 'Cause I think that's what would wreck us. This is the way we've always been moving Moons." Sirius' knuckles pause in their movement just long enough to startle Remus into looking up. "Come on, we've waited long enough."

"You're a real jerk for making me do this in person, Pads. I don't even know how say no to you." Remus watches Sirius hand moving on his arm for a minute before he drains his glass. "I'll send the letter in the morning. I'll come home. As for us, can I ask for a couple of favours?" Sirius' hand had stopped moving at 'I'll come home' and now he just nods and grins and holds Remus' hand in his own. "Anything, Moony. Whatever you need."

"Okay, I'd like, I want to keep taking the Wolfsbane. I know you said you would get it for me, and you know I can't just agree to that, so I'd like you to try to get it for me another way, just like you would for one of your patients, and if that fails, likely when that fails, I'll take your offer. Okay?"

Sirius laughs and brings Remus' hand up to his mouth to kiss each of his knuckles in turn. "You are a ridiculous man," he says punctuating each word with a kiss. "Yes, Remus, yes I'll more than happily perform the ruse of pretending this won't end in me buying the Wolfsbane for you myself, because I love you, and I love the wolf, and I don't want you to have to suffer. What else?"

"This one is silly. Shut it. The last one wasn't silly. Not to me." Sirius mimes locking his lips and motions for Remus to continue. "I want to do this. I want to date. We already know each other so well, I think it would be easy to slip into something like Lily and James have easily, but I want this part. I've thought about being with you so many times, at all different ages, and I just want some time when we really lean in to the newness of it. This sounds silly."

"You want dinner dates, and thoughtful gifts, and showing up late to things because we got delayed in the shower? Not silly. I for one have frequently been late to things because I got distracted by you in the shower, but it will be much nicer now that you'll actually be there."

"Pads!" The flush on Remus' cheeks was a deep shade of magenta before he manages to yank back his hand and swat Sirius on the arm. Quick as anything, Sirius just catches his hand and laughs.

"You've never thought of me in the shower, Moony? Not once? Not even in the leather you like so much?" Sirius was so, so grateful for his quick reflexes when Remus' blush deepened and he didn't have any hands to hide behind.

Through gritted teeth,  _ Oh Remus, certainly not inexperienced, just never one to kiss and tell _ , the words came out measured, as if they'd had to be rehearsed, "I promise you, Sirius, you're the only one I think about in the shower, and I have had a lot of showers in my time. Now, can we save this until we're somewhere I won't be embarrassed to tell you exactly what I think about?"

"I know it's our first date and everything but, any chance you want to come back to mine?" There's a shit eating grin on Sirius' face before he can even get the words out.

"I'm not really that kind of boy," Remus says weaving a haughty edge into his diluted Welsh accent. This is the part they've always done well. Banter, toying with each other, it's the part of their relationship that made even the people who knew them the least suspect that they were more than friends. "I really think that if that's what you're after, we might be wasting our time."

In one swift movement Sirius rises from his chair and reaches for the jacket Remus perched on the outside edge of his chair when he sat down, using the obvious movement to mask the slow slide of his hand up Remus' thigh. Bending low to his ear as he offers a hand up, Sirius whispers, just audible, "are you sure? Because I really think I could make it worth your while," and doesn't miss the way Remus blushes as he refuses the hand and gets grumpily to his feet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me on Tumblr @astoundinglymade, because you are. Astoundingly made, that is. We all are, it's wild.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Firstly, I keep increasing the number of chapters because it was a guess, and I'm fixing it as I go.
> 
> Alright, on to the cuteness...

Sirius follows him out, pleased with himself for winning their little game, and reaches for Remus' hand as they step outside only to have it shrugged away. "You still haven't said if you're good with this. With making an effort to date, you did your stupid distracting thing again and didn't answer."

"Remus. Moons, look at me." Sirius has stopped in the middle of the sidewalk one store down from the restaurant. Remus is three or four strides ahead when he realises and slowly walks them back to listen. "I would very much like to date you. I want to take you out, and write you soppy love letters, and sneak out before you wake up for those croissants you like so much. How could you think I wouldn't want that? I've been doing my best to sneakily date you for years. You really haven't noticed?"

"You're not particularly good at sneaky, Sirius," Remus says with a slow smile. "And I'm not the only one who noticed. Do you remember Micah? Okay, yes, thanks, I'll take that rude gesture to mean you do." Sirius just shrugs as if to say, he deserved it. "We fought about you. All the time. That weekend, the one when we were all supposed to go to visit Alice and he cancelled at the last minute? I never told you what happened, did I?" Sirius just shakes his head, not sure whether or not he wants to hear what's coming. "He'd come by mine to pick me up and found a letter Dad had just taken from your owl. I guess he'd thought Micah could bring it up to me. Whatever, the point is that it was a couple of months after I'd gotten that gash on my leg and I'd sent you some whiny note about how I hated the scar and you wrote me back three pages about all the things you thought were wonderful about my scars. There really was nothing I could say. How do you explain that the person you're already having to lie about not having feelings for is spending half a page describing in detail a scar that runs right up the inside of your thigh." Remus laughs now, but Sirius remembers the weekend was tense between them. Remus had been vague about what had happened with Micah, and it was common knowledge that Sirius hated him, so Sirius spent most of his time avoiding anything about it, while the others worried themselves over Remus, which he, in turn, couldn't stand.

"I don't think him and I had ever even gotten properly naked together, and here I was waking up curled around you once a month, not a stitch of clothes between us, knowing that you'd be the one to dress me, and help me bathe and fuss over me. I'm not stupid, Sirius." Remus steps forward to put a hand on each of Sirius' arms, just below his shoulders. "James and Peter never did those things. They never made sure I had the right pillows, or remembered that I hate waking up on my right side ever since those broken ribs in fourth year, or wrote pages and pages about the way my scars were, and I quote 'visible proof of the strength I carry,' and sent it to me, no sense of shame for the gushing, when we were sixteen."

Sirius chews his lip and studies his shoes for a minute before looking up again. "I'm not going to apologize for that. He was an ass and I was right about your scars." Remus snorts at the petulance apparent in his tone. "Stuff it, Sirius, you hated him because he was dating me."

"I'm not going to deny that, but I also hated him because he was an asshole who showed up everywhere late, or not at all, and he treated you poorly. You just never saw it because you thought you deserved it, well I don't. If I'd known a soppish letter was all it took to put him off, I'd have written you everyday." Sirius is agitated under Remus' hands and it's endearing. He only ever gets this worked up when he feels the need to defend a friend.

"You did, Pads." Remus crouches slightly to draw Sirius' eye before he continues. "That's what we fought about. You wrote me love letters every day in the way you anticipated my needs, or made sure I got to bed on time. Do you remember how you got it in your head in third year, after I had that growth spurt and got clumsy, that I could trip on the stairs up the Astronomy Tower? You walked behind me every time, all the way through seventh year. I couldn't write a letter home about my day without a half dozen mentions of you, that's what we fought about. Micah called you my at school boyfriend, and when it came time to go back to school he got louder and louder about it until your letter showed up."

"I wrote you so many letters, Moons." For the first time since they've been out here, Sirius looks directly into Remus' eyes while he speaks. 

"I know, Pads. I kept them."

"No, I mean, that's, really? You kept them?" Remus nods slowly, bottom lip between his teeth to hold back a smile. "I wrote you others though. I probably wrote three for every one I actually sent. The first draft of the letter you're talking about was eight pages and drifted off somewhere around the fifth into something decidedly not about your scars." He laughs quietly and continues, "I wrote you one in seventh year that James said was the most saccharine stringing together of sentences to ever exist. If I'm remembering correctly the first two pages of that one were about your eyes. I would love to date you, I've been waiting a long fucking time for the chance."

He's moved forward while he's talking, reaching out and pulling himself toward Remus until they are standing face to face, Sirius' arms loosely holding them together.

"Thank you. And, for the record, it's not you I'm worried about. I'm worried that I'll try to push past it to the comfortable part that doesn't leave me flustered in a restaurant, and I don't want that. I've never had the other bit. I get a couple of awkward dinners and a movie and then I have to start planning my exit." Remus moved his hands up and over the back of Sirius shoulders, smoothing the felt of his coat under his hands. "This, you, your hand on my thigh, feeling flustered when you tell me you want me, what we started in the kitchen, push me, I'll push back but I really do want it."

"Okay."

"Yeah?"

The answer Remus gets is to be grabbed firmly by the arms and backed against the wall of the florists beside them. "If I'm not wrong we were both playing the same game in the kitchen earlier. But I'm really hoping I can kiss you properly now." Remus doesn't hesitate and pulls Sirius in impossibly close before sliding Sirius' hands around his back, and lower. "More of this and I might have to rethink what kind of boy I am."

"More of this it is, then."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me on Tumblr @astoundinglymade, because you are. Astoundingly made, that is. We all are, it's wild.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm into the bush until the 25th, so the next chapter will come then. Wish me beautiful birds!

It's close now to the full, and Remus wakes tired and achy, but also to the feel of Sirius pressing himself up close into his side. "Morning Moons."

"Morning beautiful," Remus says as he pulls Sirius in until he can kiss him soundly. "Why are you so cold?"

"I snuck out for croissants, sleepy." Sirius runs his cold fingers up Remus' side and laughs when he squeals and twists away. "How are you feeling? Achy yet?"

"You're going to be insufferable aren't you?" He's trying to sound annoyed but the idea of Sirius finding even more ways to make the next few days easier for him sounds honestly, fantastic.

"You don't know the half of it Moons," Sirius says while nuzzling into the curve of his neck. "Love you."

"Say it again."

"I love you, Remus. And I'm so fucking happy you're here." Sirius says the words low and soft into the space below Remus' ear, then reaches up and takes the lobe between his teeth. "You promise you're staying?"

"Yes, Pads. I'll head back in a week to finish out the term and then I'll be right back here, to stay." The line of wet kisses Sirius leaves down his throat are enough to make him arch his neck and take a long breath. "Hey..."

"Hmmm." The mouth is on his collarbone now and Remus slides his hand down Sirius' back to find that it's not just the shirt he shucked on his way back to bed.

"Do you remember the last time my hand was on your ass?" He makes an attempt at a joking tone, but Sirius is naked and here, and oh, God.

"Of course, last party of seventh year. You were so drunk, Moony." He can feel the laugh coming through his chest. "So, so drunk. All stumbly and silly, and then you weren't. I didn't think you remembered that."

"I remember everything about you." Remus uses the hand to pull Sirius closer, and up and over, so that he's got one knee into the mattress between both of Remus' own. "Wanted you so bad that night, Pads. Thought I might get up the nerve too."

Sirius props himself up on his hands to hover above Remus' face. "I didn't want to have to wonder if it was only because you were drunk," he says dipping to kiss Remus between the eyebrows. "Do you have any idea how hard it was to take you up to bed that night and not get in with you? So gorgeous, Moony. Everything I wanted." A quick kiss to his nose. "I was so worried you would think I wasn't interested."

"You muttered the whole time about how unfair it was," Remus says, pulling him down into a kiss. "It was pretty clear that you were interested. I just couldn't shut my brain down enough to do anything about it."

"And now?

"And now you have to give this old werewolf a break. I need a bath, and then those croissants you were talking about." Sirius slowly bends his elbows and lowers himself until they're flush, the sharp thrust of his hips against Remus' thigh making it clear that he'd rather they stayed exactly where they were, and Remus starts to extricate himself before he can lose his resolve. "Come on, if you're nice about it, you can come in with me."

After the bath, Sirius insists on dressing Remus back into clean pyjamas and bundling him in blankets on the couch. "Let me send that letter now, then we'll eat."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. I want to know it's done." Then taking hold of Sirius' wrist where he's moving to fetch the letter and his owl, "I want you to know it's done." 

"I'm sorry I'm not more fun." Remus is sitting up against the headboard of his bed, their bed now, in a cashmere jumper Sirius has dug out of his closet,  _ only the best for my Moony _ , and a pair of pyjama pants.

"Do you have any idea how excited I am just to look after you properly?" There's a giddy sort of smile of Sirius' face as he turns back from the mirror to look at Remus directly. "The only thing you need to do today is rest, Moons. I'll be back after work with dinner."

"I'm not an invalid, Sirius. If I were in France I'd be working today." Remus watches as Sirius crawls up the bed toward him, already dressed for work.

"Yes, but I very much like the idea that you'll be waiting right here for me when I get back." Sirius pulls up beside him and fusses with the pillows. "Really, don't strain yourself. You're running with Emily again this month, and I don't need to tell you she's excited about it, and then you're teaching on the weekend. You'll need the rest, just take it." Sirius moves to straddle Remus' thighs and kisses him slow and soft before stepping off the bed and making his way to the door. "There's food in the kitchen, love. Try to eat something."

"You look ridiculously pleased with yourself this morning." Mediwitch Sarah, it's Sarah right?, is standing outside Sirius' office when he arrives at St Mungo's.

"Maybe I am. Was there something you needed?" She follows Sirius into his office and closes the door behind them.

"Healer Black." She pauses a moment while they settle into chairs. "I wanted to let you know…well, I was. Sorry, I'm just not really sure how to do this."

Her fingers pick at the peeling leather on the arm of her chair, and Sarah takes a breath and starts again. "I was in the lounge just now and I overheard Healer Ellerby talking with a couple of the other Senior Healers." She pauses, eyes looking up to Sirius with a pained expression. "I know I shouldn't have been listening, I'm not the sort of person who does, but they were being fairly loud and well, they were talking about your funding."

"It's okay, Sarah," Sirius begins, relieved when she smiles and he knows he hasn't messed up her name. "I'm sure you weren't trying to hear. Healer Ellerby isn't exactly known for being quiet."

"No. No he isn't," she laughs nervously. "What they were saying, Sir, was that they were looking for ways to take away your research funding. It sounded like they were of the mind that you had tricked the ministry into letting you teach magic to werewolves, and they were going to try to get in your way."

"And you wanted to warn me?" Sirius watches Sarah squirm in her seat a little before she sits up quite straight, and looks him directly in the eye.

"I believe that werewolves are wizards like any other, Healer Black. I don't see why being attacked would change that. It's not like we take the wands of people when they get any other transmittable disease, is it?" Sarah is practically shaking from the effort of speaking her unpopular opinion to her direct superior. Her expression has just begun to sag when she is startled by the sound of Sirius laughing brightly.

"Sarah. That's more sense than I have heard here in a long time." He stands and comes around the desk to perch in front of her, taking one of her hands in his own. "My favourite person in the whole world is a werewolf, Sarah, and I have built this entire practice for him. If the Hospital Board manages to find a way to take away our funding I will use all the resources at my disposal, which are considerable I might add, to build a separate facility to continue our work."

Sarah's eyebrows shoot up at both the words and the conviction with which they are spoken. Sirius has unconsciously tightened his shoulders and by extension, his grip on her hand. Discreetly she twitches her fingers and smiles to herself when the trick works and he relaxes his hold.

"I knew a werewolf when my children were younger," Sarah says, looking slightly to the left of Sirius' eyes. "She was my neighbour. Beautiful little girl. She was attacked when she was eight. It was a difficult time and she didn't survive beyond the first year."

"Greyback?," Sirius asks, very quietly as he hands over a tissue.

"Greyback."

"Remus too. He was nearly five." They share a quiet moment, both lost in their own thoughts. "Thank you, Sarah. Thank you for coming to tell me, and thank you for your help here. If you're ever looking to go back to patient care, do let me know."

"Bit old for that, Healer Black," she says with a smile. "But I'd be happy to help out any way I can. You'll let me know if you need anything."

"I will. Thanks again."

"Of course." 

The clinic is busy all day with last minute preparations for the full. There's the usual stream of people coming in for scripts, and supplies, and notes for employers and the ministry guards, and Sirius doesn't manage to get back to his office until the early afternoon to grab something to eat and make sure Remus is doing okay. He's barely made it through the door when he sees the letter sitting front and center on his desk, a scrap of parchment attached holding a note in Sarah's practiced script, "I saw the name and assumed you'd want it sooner rather than later".

'Sirius,' the letter reads. 'I heard back from the University today. They offered to pay me more but I've already sent the owl to turn them down. You're desperately short on chocolate biscuits. You might consider that before you head home. I hope your day is good and the wolves are well, love you, Remus.'

Pulling a piece of parchment from the drawer of his desk Sirius jots down a reply suggesting there had been a full tin of chocolate biscuits yesterday, but he would take today's shortage into consideration. The salutation, 'go back to bed, you silly mutt. Always, Sirius,' he follows with a doodle of a dog and wolf, then pops it in the post bin on his way back to the clinic.

It's nearly seven before all the patients have been seen and sorted for the day. Sirius advises the interns to go home and get some real sleep before the full, since all three of them will be awake from tomorrow morning through to the end of Wednesday tending to patients, or in Sirius' case, one patient and Remus. There's a stop on the way home for dinner and chocolate biscuits and it's just gone eight when he comes in the door.

"Hello, sleepy." Remus is tucked up in his chair in the front room with a book open on his lap and his eyes closed.

"M' not sleeping, just closing my eyes for a minute." If there was any chance he could have been believed, it's gone with the raspiness of his clearly sleep strained voice.

"Let's get you to bed, then," Sirius says as he gently takes Remus' book from his lap and marks the page. "Do you think you can manage to eat a bit before we get you settled?"

Remus stands by himself, stretching lazily and yawning before he turns and takes Sirius in. "How was your day, love?"

"Busy and stressful and a little frustrating. How was yours?" Sirius moves to pull Remus into him and huffs out a laugh when he lets his body slack and assumes Sirius will carry them both. "Do anything other than sleep and send international owls?"

"I also had a bath," Remus says indignantly making Sirius laugh into the side of his neck.

"I was hoping we could maybe just take this food to bed. I got the black bean soup you like and some soft rolls." He pauses to take a deep breath of sleepy, slightly sweaty Remus, and closes his eyes. "It's been a long day and we could both do with an early night."

"I have to warn you that I'm not going to be up for much tonight," Remus says, running his hand down Sirius' back and leaving it to rest at the base of his spine. "I'm pretty sure everything hurts at this point."

"Oh, thank goodness, because all I really want is a bath, some food and to kiss you slowly until I fall asleep." Sirius is rewarded with a squeeze to his bum that pulls him in closer to Remus, and a kiss on the top of his head. "Come on, let's get you changed."

Remus notes as Sirius helps him off with his clothes how intimate and yet familiar this routine is. If he thinks back, it might have been third year the first time Sirius undressed him, maybe fourth the first time he'd helped him bathe. As much as Remus loved Madame Pomfrey, he had never wanted to miss more classes than absolutely necessary, and sometimes that meant leaving her care earlier than was strictly advisable. Over time it became fairly routine for the other boys to help him re-bandage wounds or keep track of which potion he needed to take when, but it was always Sirius who helped him dress and bathe. The rationale at the time was that he had already seen most of Remus by accident once, and so it was less of an invasion to do it again, but if Remus had been honest with himself he'd have said it was because he trusted Sirius the most with his secrets. Sirius was, after all, already the keeper of his nightmares, and he of Sirius', and he trusted him implicitly.

"You used to do this in school," Remus says muffled through the shirt Sirius is trying to get over his head. "You dressed me in your clothes then too."

"You slept better when I was there, but if you were too achy or hurt for us to share, I'd put you in one of my shirts and switch our pillows. It seemed to help." Sirius is focused on trying to find the right pair of socks for the weather and doesn't see the smile he's raised on Remus' face.

"I love these stories. All these silly things you've been doing since forever, it's wonderful to hear you tell me why. What are you looking for anyway?" Remus cranes his neck to see what could possibly be keeping Sirius this busy in the bottom of the closet.

"The green socks. The ones you're mother sent Christmas of sixth. I know they're in here somewhere." He's waist deep in the closet now, on his hands and knees, and Remus can't help but laugh.

"Get out here. I don't need the green socks, I need you." Getting up from the end of the bed, Remus roots through the bag he's brought and pulls out the first socks he comes across. "Look, I've got socks. Now come on, you asked for a cuddle."

It's like coming home he thinks as Sirius joins him in bed and they weave their bodies together in the way that has become familiar to them over countless full moon mornings. Sirius' head lightly placed on Remus' chest, just inside his shoulder, Remus' legs bent up and over Sirius' own. The difference now is that all the carefully maintained space between them has been abandoned and now they curl into each other, purposefully touching at every point their bodies join.

"Tell me something good, Moons." Sirius sounds sleepy and light, the vibration of his voice barely registering in Remus' chest.

"Alright, give me a minute to think." Remus readjusts his arm to better hold Sirius into his side and bends to kiss his head while he thinks. "Do you remember the night of James' stag?"

"Only parts of it," Sirius says with a groan. "The first four bars, maybe? Waking up in the early morning when you yelled about the light, you pulling me back to bed, waking up later with you pressed up close, then being horribly sick and regretting everything."

Remus laughs low and soft, Sirius feeling more than hearing the sound. "Everything? Are you sure?"

"Just tell me what I did Remus. And remember, I asked for something good."

"Do you remember why you were in my bed, Pads?" Remus threads his fingers into Sirius' hair and smiles at the sigh he gets in reply.

"Weren't James and Peter in mine?" Sirius realigns their legs so Remus' are flat and his right leg curls across them halfway to the knee.

"Yes, but Pete had said he'd share with me, James with you. They'd decided based on size I think, but you insisted, quite forcefully, that only you were allowed in my bed. James made fun of you for it of course, but you held strong. Literally. You wrapped yourself around me and yelled, 'nobody sleeps with Moony but me!' I thought Peter was going to lose it, but James just said, 'in your dreams, Pads,' and pulled Peter into your room."

Sirius tenses under his hand despite the gentle laughter Remus is threading through his words. "What did I do?"

"Nothing. You did nothing, Sirius." Remus continues to run his fingers through the length of Sirius' hair while he speaks. "I carried you in here and you cuddled yourself into me, and I kissed you on the head and told you to go to sleep, and you did. It was wonderful. Fucking frustrating, but wonderful too."

This actually elicits a laugh from Sirius who answers, "that might be the best description of us I've ever heard." Sirius tilts his head to kiss Remus near the top of his neck. "Then the next day we felt like death, and the day after that I had to stand next to you for hours while you looked so fucking gorgeous in that blue suit."

"Given what James must have paid for that suit, I should hope I looked gorgeous in it." A tilt of his own head, a slow, soft kiss, and a yawn.

"I paid for it," Sirius says through a second yawn. "I told James I'd take care of it and he had so many other things on his plate that he let it slide." Sirius runs his fingers up Remus' side, just lightly, just to watch the way his skin prickles in the trail. "I went ahead and told Albert that his task was to meet with you and make the colour decisions with you in mind. James and my suits came later."

"You're telling me that James wore blue on his wedding day because it looked good on me? That's, that's, does he know that?" Remus is fully awake again now, straining to look Sirius in the eye.

"James looks good in anything, and don't worry about it, I ran it by Lily. The real question here is, why else would I have ever been seen in blue? It's really not my colour, Moons." Remus settles back into the pillows, his hand taking back up its place in Sirius' hair. "On the day, though, I immediately regretted it. I think I was at least half hard all night. Bit of an inconvenience when you're stood up in front of a crowd."

"We danced, do you remember that?" There's a hum in response and a sleepy yawn. "Lily teased me endlessly about it. Said I had a stupid grin on my face the whole time. I just remember being just drunk enough at the time, that I had to keep reminding myself why I couldn't get handsy."

Sirius takes the word as a challenge and runs the flat of his hand down from where it has been resting over Remus' heart, over the edge of his ribs and through the dip of his stomach to his hip and pulls gently. "But I like when you get handsy."

"Give me two days, love, and I'll get as handsy as you like," Remus says as he reaches down and winds his fingers into Sirius', pulling their joined hands to his chest. "For now, though, I need to sleep, and I think you do too."

"Goodnight, gorgeous." Sirius slants the timbre of his voice in a way he knows makes Remus' heart pick up speed.

"So God damned distracting."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me on Tumblr @astoundinglymade, because you are. Astoundingly made, that is. We all are, it's wild.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back from the bush! Tonight's update from Durban, tomorrow's might come from Dubai!
> 
> Let's get ready for the full...

"Is it possible for your eyelids to hurt?" There's a rustling sound from underneath the ridiculous mound of blankets on the couch, and Remus' left eye appears, just briefly, before disappearing back into the pile. "Nope. Too bright. M' staying in here."

"Come on, I only need you to come out for a minute. I can't leave you here like this while I go to work. Mum said she'd be happy to watch you. Just five minutes and then all the blanket caves you could ever want." Moving carefully, because he knows that Remus really is in pain, Sirius lifts the corner of the blankets and crawls inside. "Do you need me to stay? The interns are more than capable."

An arm slides over Sirius' back and pulls him in until he's got a chest full of very tired, very achy werewolf. "I'm not selfish enough to keep you from your pack. Just give me a minute and I'll get up, but I'm going to need help through the floo. Not sure my legs are up for cooperating." Sirius takes the opportunity to breathe him in, running his hand soothingly up and down Remus' spine. "Alright, let's get this over with."

In the end, it's a bit of a struggle until Remus admits that his knee really hurts too much to bear any weight and allows Sirius to act as a proper crutch all the way through to his parents house. Mrs Lupin, bless her, is in the sitting room when they arrive and quickly comes over to support Remus on the other side as they make their way to the couch. "Come on, little one, I've already got the blankets ready. Sirius said you'd built quite the fort for yourself at home, so I went round and gathered all the ones I could find."

Remus may be in pain and exhausted beyond belief but not so much so that he can't manage a glare at Sirius when he mouths 'little one' at him behind his mother's back. His eyes say, don't you dare, and, from the grin he gets in return, it's obvious that, yes, Sirius does dare, and he's not heard the last of this. Not by a long shot. "Sirius, are you staying for a bit, or do you need to rush off to the hospital?"

"Hospital, unfortunately. This is generally the busiest day of the month. People trying to get all their last minute details in order." Hope pauses in her efforts to tuck a fourth blanket around Remus, and offers him a smile.

"You'll let me send you with lunch, though? It won't do to have you hungry." In moments like this Sirius often finds himself struck anew by the realisation that some people grew up with mothers who mothered them. It's foreign, this idea that someone would be thinking ahead of his needs, would be worried that he wouldn't have the time to look after himself, and would offer to do it for him.  _ How different would I be _ , he wonders again,  _ if I'd had a mother like this _ ?

"I am not going to turn down your cooking, Mum. Only a fool would do that." Hope bustles off to the kitchen and Sirius lowers himself to the floor next to Remus' head. "Are you going to tell her about us? We can do this any way you like, I just don't want to overstep."

A hand snakes its way out and brushes along the edge of Sirius' neck and across his shoulder and back, coming to rest at the join. "I told her on Saturday. Do you really think she'd have let me wait this long without harassing me?"

"I feel like even _ I _ didn't know on Saturday," Sirius says, turning his face into Remus' touch. "It still feels like it could come apart at any moment."

"I'm not going anywhere, Pads." Sirius knows Remus is whispering because this close to the transformation his senses are working overtime and any loud noise is unwelcome, but he can't help but thrill at the intimacy of it.

"Except back to France."

"Yeah." Almost dreamy now, as his eyes start to droop. "Except back to France, then back to you. Always back to you."

"I'll get you from the airport," Sirius says, in repetition of the conversation they've had so many times recently.

"On the bike?" Remus' eyes are fully closed now, the blankets pulled up to obscure most of his face.

"How else am I going to convince you to slide your hands under my shirt and kiss my neck?" He's teasing, he loves this moment when Remus is sleepy and open. He bends to kiss him lightly before going to find Hope and head to work when he hears a whisper make its way through the layers, "distracting."

The day of the full is always busy. There's always something that needs to be fixed right away, and someone who thought they had enough of one potion or another, but discovers they're out, and at least five people who have forgotten to come by for letters or permissions if one kind or another. Sirius is just stepping out of one exam room on his way to another when he hears laughter and looks to see that the interns are both caught in the exact same moment.

"Not that I doubt your abilities, but how did you do this before us?" Karabo sounds breathless as she pulls one door firmly shut behind her and crosses the hall to open another. "Even when all of us were here it seemed like we were run off our feet, but this, with just the three of us, this is unreal."

Rashad smiles from his place at the far end of the hall, pausing to shuffle through the folders in his hands, before finding the right one and tucking it into the slot outside the room he's just left. "I'm not going to lie, I was really hoping that last month was a one off."

"Sorry, guys," Sirius answers with a chuckle. "They're all like this, and if I could do them alone before you two got here, then we can manage them together now." He's just barely finished when Mediwitch Sarah motions to him from off behind Karabo and calls out, "Healer Black? Incoming!," while gesturing to the man she's propping up with one arm.

Sirius waves back in acknowledgement and starts to hear in her direction, but not before shouting, "remember, I brought lunch. It's in my office and without it you'll never survive the night." It was a truly ludicrous amount of food that Mrs Lupin had sent him off to work with this morning, and he knew the interns would be more than grateful for anything that didn't come from a vending machine. Doubly so when they discovered that she'd included the better part of one of her wonderful peach cobblers.

It's gone five thirty before Sirius is able to pull himself away from the clinic, and only then because Rashad and Karabo assure him that they have everything under control, and that he should head off and tend to Remus and Emily. It turns out he isn't a minute too soon as he arrives into the Lupin sitting room to find a distraught looking Hope being cared for by her husband Lyall. "Mum, Lyall, what's going on?" He's barely regained his footing before he's across the room, resting a comforting hand on Hope's shoulder.

"I've got this, Sirius. You best go up and see Remus." Lyall's eyes are tired and show a little more red around the edges than Sirius would like. He's halfway up the stairs in a flash.

Remus is in his childhood bed, still spelled bigger from the last time they'd been here together, and he's asleep from what Sirius can tell. After toeing off his shoes and removing his Healer's robes, Sirius makes his way over to the bed and gently lifts the blankets. There's blood on the sheets and his gasp startles Remus awake. "It's not as bad as it looks, Pads," Remus mumbles into the pillows. "I was scratching it earlier and I guess I couldn't feel it, I don't know. It doesn't even hurt unless I look at it, but Mum was, well, you know her."

"She's downstairs, your dad is with her," Sirius says while bending lower to examine the raw patch of broken skin on the side of Remus' knee. "Are you alright to let me heal this? Has it been cleaned?"

Remus straightens a little, bringing his leg closer to the edge of the bed in a way he knows will be easier to reach. "No one has touched it. Mum got upset right away then Da came and got her. Will it heal up alright?

"Should do." Sirius is gathering the supplies he'll need to treat the wound and misses the wince that crosses Remus' face as he shifts position. "This is your knee though, Remus. You've lost the feeling in it because it wouldn't resettle this month. If you keep putting off the physical therapy and regular care these things are going to keep happening."

"Not sure I'm in the mood to play doctor with you right now, love." There's suddenly a hand softly stroking Sirius' cheek and he looks up to find Remus smiling at him softly. "Though, if you want to put your robes back on for this part, I'm not going to stop you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me on Tumblr @astoundinglymade, because you are. Astoundingly made, that is. We all are, it's wild.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who wants to see a flustered Sirius? Me!

Emily and her parents are already in the field when Sirius manages to get Remus downstairs and outside. Emily is characteristically excited, most likely because James is chasing her around inside the wards in stag form, Peter riding high up in his rack. With a subtle wave they manage to get Lyall's attention and he comes across to prop up Remus' other side and help him to the edge of the clearing. "Alright there, son?"

"Better than it looks, Da."  _ No, it bloody well isn't _ , Sirius retorts inside his own head. "Sirius took care of the wound and he'll look at my knee properly once I'm healed up again." Sirius is considering the ethics of having a talk with Hope and Lyall about how best to bully Remus into looking after himself while they move carefully forward, but is cut off by Remus anticipating his plan. "Don't think you can pester Sirius about it in the morning. He'll have a look and figure it out then I'll let you know. Might as well take advantage of his expertise while he's in a mood to do me favours." Even in pain, Remus holds his sense of humour.

Toward the end of school, after James and Lily had gotten together and Remus decided it was time to bring her in on their secret, Peter had once remarked about how even just before the change, Remus still managed to be funny. It was Lily, after years of negotiating an angry and resentful sister who made her months at home deliberately miserable, who set him straight. "How charmed is your life, Peter, that you can't recognize a coping mechanism when you see one?" That had been the moment Sirius decided that, regardless of the success of her relationship with James, he'd be keeping her around.

On the other side of Remus, Lyall snorts before releasing his son. "As if there's ever been a time when Sirius wasn't in the mood to do you a favour." He passes a kiss to Remus' temple and turns to face Sirius before saying, "we'll talk later," in a loud whisper he intends to be overheard.

As Lyall walks away to intercept Hope, who is bustling over in a hurry, Remus pulls Sirius' face to look at him. "In the mood to do me a favour now, Pads?" He cracks halfway through and what is supposed to sound seductive ends up just being ridiculous. "Do you think he had any idea how that sounded?"

"Intentional or not, he's not wrong, Moons." Sirius has the advantage of not being in pain, so his attempt at innuendo is spot on. "What kind of favour were you thinking of?" There's just enough time for Remus to flush scarlet before Mrs Lupin is at his side, looking him over.

"Will he be alright, Sirius?" She's instinctively bending to lift Remus' pant leg and look over the wound when Sirius lays a hand on her arm and gently coaxes her up.

"I've got it all healed up, Mum. I'll tell you a bit about what I think happened once things are settled tomorrow, but for now just know that tonight is unlikely to make it any worse. And we'll be out there with him. If it looks like he's hurt I'll peel him away from Emily and get him to sleep." Mrs Lupin scrunches up her face like she's readying to speak but Remus beats her to it.

"If you're both done talking about me like I'm not here, I'd like the chance to talk to Emily a minute while I still can." His voice is firm, but the way he tucks himself a little farther into Sirius while he says it makes it seem like his mother is the intended audience. Mrs Lupin gives a tight smile in acknowledgement, fusses over him for another couple of minutes and then kisses both boys on the head. "Look after each other."

"Come on, Moony," Sirius says as he pulls Remus practically onto his back to support him for the last few meters of the walk to meet the others. "I'm about to use you as an example, I'd tell you to play up your symptoms, but I'm not sure that's needed." Remus doesn't have a chance to think much about it and then Emily is barrelling toward them at a run. "Woah! Careful, Emily! Remus is hurt, remember?"

"Ah! Sorry!," she calls out while skidding to a stop a couple of feet in front of them. "Are you alright?"

"I will be, Emily. Right now my knee is hurt, but once the wolf takes over I won't even feel it." Remus waves her into a tentative hug. "Are you ready for tonight?"

"I think so. I picked out my reward, and I've been doing what you told me, focusing on the playing and not the pain, and Prongs and Wormtail have been running around with me to distract me, but I heard Dad say they're trying to tire me out. Too bad I know that trick. Mom uses it too sometimes, but it never works." Emily is talking fast, arms waving, a smug little smile on her face. "One time I even stayed up the whole night just to prove I could."

"Wow! That's amazing!," Remus says, without a hint of sarcasm, and Sirius has to push the idea of him with a child of his own away forcefully before it takes hold. "Hey, I have an appointment with Healer Black this week to talk about my knee. Can you give me any advice? Is he going to be mean to me?"

Emily turns her eyes to Sirius for a second before leaning in to whisper to Remus. "Just do the exercises. If you don't he makes your mom bring you back and they team up against you. Trust me, it's not worth it." Sirius can barely hold in his laughter as Remus gives her a very serious nod as if to say,  _ understood, and thanks for the heads up. _ "Dad told me to come near the wards for the change so I'm going to go now, do you want to come?"

"I'll be right along," Remus answers, patting her on the head.

"Was that the example I was supposed to be, Pads." They are making their way slowly over to the others, Remus leaving heavy into Sirius' side. "You going to bring my mom in to bully me too?"

"I would if I thought it would help. Now, come here, let's get these clothes off you." Sirius pulls the shirt over Remus' head and is met with a sly smile.

"Didn't know you liked an audience."

The strangled groan that escapes from Sirius' throat is almost better than the way he blushes fast and dark. "Christ, Remus. There is a child right behind you!"

"Think I'd rather have you behind me." Remus can't remember having ever seen Sirius back down, certainly never actually blush, at a bit of innuendo, and even through his pain he knows he wants to see it again.

"Fucking hell. How are you choosing now to do this?" Sirius' voice is strained and high as he tucks Remus' socks into his shoes and moves to strip him of his pants.

"You blush so pretty, Pads. How have I never seen it before?" Sirius stands to hold Remus up while he steps out of his pants and drops his underwear. "I think I'm going to make a practice of trying to see it more often."

"You're a nuisance," Sirius scolds with no bite whatsoever.

"Your nuisance, now come on, we haven't got long."

Once Remus is stripped bare and has arranged himself as comfortably as possible near the edge of the wards, Emily dashes of behind the makeshift screen Mr Lupin has constructed and does the same. She's a bundle of energy already, but even that won't stop her from wanting a little privacy.

"We're going to talk about that leg later," James says, as he approaches. "I heard your mother talking, and you've got to know that's not acceptable."

"It's not yours to accept, James." The words have bite that sends James brows up high on his head.

"I'm going to give you that one because I know you're in pain, but don't think I'm just going to sit by while you let yourself go to shit. You might think to deserve it, but thankfully the rest of us know better."

Peter makes it over just in time to catch the last bit and send a significant look Sirius' way. "Alright, Jake and I will stick with Emily, I trust you'll keep him safe?" This last to Sirius. "Great. Because tomorrow I want to know what we're doing to knock some sense into him."

"Oh just fuck off, all of you," Remus grits out, just before the wolf overtakes him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me on Tumblr @astoundinglymade, because you are. Astoundingly made, that is. We all are, it's wild.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a bit of fluff, guys. Hello from Dubai!

Sirius' prediction holds and Remus' knee is greatly improved by the transformation from man to wolf. He spends the first few minutes after he's recovered just looking it over and testing how it feels, before nuzzling into Sirius in confirmation that he's okay, and running off to play with Emily. Contrary to Emily's assertion that she can stay up all night, she starts to slow soon after ten and is asleep curled up into Prongs by half eleven. Peter then takes a moment to look his friends over before turning human again and heading home in anticipation of an early morning. Gone are the days when dragging yourself tired through a morning of classes was the worst consequence of a night spent running with your friends, and he's got a meeting in the morning he can't miss.

Moony seems more than happy to call it a night and curls himself into a tight ball a couple of feet from the nearest tree, leaving just enough room behind him for Padfoot to wrap himself in and tuck his head under the wolf's neck.

They wake hours later to the sunrise and the confirmation that everyone has made it through largely unscathed. Emily, for her part, needs barely any attention, so James carries her out through the wards to where her parents are waiting with a blanket to take her up to bed.

Remus has come back a little bruised, and with his knee out again. Sirius gives him the choice of having it fixed now or after a bit more sleep, but Remus only reaches out and pulls the blanket back over them and goes back to sleep.

"I missed this." The words cut through Sirius' sleep fogged brain before he can register that he's awake. "Shouldn't you be at the hospital?"

"No, I begged off the morning. Karabo and Rashad told me they could handle it and that I should spend it with you. I'll check in once we're properly up." Sirius blinks his eyes open and turns to see Remus up on an elbow, looking down at him. "How are you feeling?"

"Like I turned into a wolf and back again," Remus says with a slow smile. "I missed this. Even now that I know I'll have you in my bed tonight, and the next night, forever, waking up with you after the full is still...I don't really know how to explain it. I think...I think for so long I never thought I would get more than this, but I knew that once a month I'd get to wake up with you pressed up against me and that was my reward for making it through. Sticks in our hair and dirt on our feet and the feeling like for one night a month we got to be together. I hadn't thought about it for a while, but then last month I woke up alone and it came rushing back."

"Two more than you'll have no reason to miss it ever again." Sirius reached up to pull Remus into a gentle kiss, just barely there. "Let me grab our clothes then I'll have a look at your knee."

"Could do it before the clothes…" Remus looks eyebrows raised at Sirius while indicating toward his knee.

"I thought you weren't in the mood to play doctor?," Sirius returns with a smirk.

"Never not in the mood to see you naked though."

"Right then, knee first it is."

Knowing that Sirius wouldn't want to leave Remus this morning, Hope has taken the liberty of preparing food for everyone when they wake. James, the Lupins and the Adams' are all moving quietly around the kitchen when Sirius and Remus finally admit it's time to wake up and get moving. "Your parents are going to ask about the knee, Moons. And James…" Sirius stops where he's sat on the side of the bed and reaches forward to brush Remus' arm just above the elbow. "What do you want to tell them?"

"What do you mean?" Remus turns back confused and Sirius lets his fingers ride the rotating plains of his bicep until he stills, and he can wrap his hand all the way around.

"I just want to know how much you want them to know." Sirius' voice is still sleep logged and slow. "We need a plan, if we're going to handle this, you and I, then I want to know what you want before they ask me. We haven't been here before. I'm not your Healer, I'm not a friend, I want to be a team about this now that I'm your…"

"Boyfriend?," bursts forth out of Remus, croaky and cracked, and clearly as a surprise to both of them.

"Boyfriend. Fuck, Moony, I'm your boyfriend." Sirius' fingers clench tight around Remus' arm as he uses the anchor point to pull himself to standing. They're inches apart now, Remus grinning like an idiot and Sirius positively shaking with excitement, or fear, or some complicated mix of the two. "I'm your fucking boyfriend."

"You're really just realizing this aren't you?"  _ This might be the most adorable thing I've ever seen _ , Remus thinks, while reaching out to steady Sirius' other arm.

"Yes!" Remus can feel the thrumming of Sirius' muscles under his hands, the racing of his pulse where his thumbs sit just inside his elbows. "Why are you not freaking out?"

"Because I've known for weeks. Come here, you're ridiculous." Remus turns so that he's standing behind Sirius and slowly walks him over to the mirror. "Pads, look up." He presses a reassuring hand to Sirius' chest and pulls him back into his own. In the reflection he can see Sirius' back pressed against his front, their feet staggered to make them fit, his head leaned cheek against Sirius' temple. "Look in the mirror, love. It's me and my boyfriend."

Sirius looks up and lifts his eyes to meet Remus' through the glass. "Hey, boyfriend." Sirius' voice cracks on the third syllable, and Remus thinks,  _ no, this might be cuter _ . Remus ducks and presses a series of kisses along Sirius' shoulder, up his neck, along his jaw. "Can we put them off? I'd like a better idea of what's happening, I think, before I have to tell them. You can look it over, we'll make a plan, then we can fill people in."

"Absolutely. Anything you need, Moons." Sirius turns back to just touch his lips to the underside of Remus' jaw. "As long as you promise to start looking after yourself, I'll do anything."

"Yeah, I can do that. More mornings like this is definitely something I'm willing to work for." Remus turns Sirius to face him, and holds him tightly, one hand on his back, the other sliding up his arm to his shoulder, his neck, his hair. "Plus, Emily tells me you'll tell my mom if I don't."

"Exactly," Sirius says, attempting to hold back a smile. "An angry Mum not something anyone wants to see, so I trust you'll put in the effort."

"Yes, Healer Black."  _ Dear God, where did that voice come from? _ Sirius swallows the whimper that threatens to sell him out.

"I swear, Remus. One more playing doctor tease and I'm going to take you up on it."

"Who says I'd mind?"

"Fucking tease, let's get you some food in you so we can get home."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me on Tumblr @astoundinglymade, because you are. Astoundingly made, that is. We all are, it's wild.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Indulge me please in spending another little while watching Sirius at Remus' mercy.

Hope, Lyall, James and Peter had not been easy to put off in the end. There were quite a few hurt feelings and things had gotten heated before Remus had shut them all up with a definitive, "Sirius is my safety person now, and you guys are going to have to get used to that. We'll be looking into it, we'll be making the decisions and then we'll be filling you in to whatever degree we decide is best." If Sirius hadn't already been exhausted from the disagreement that led up it, drained from the effort of watching all of his favourite people butting their heads about the best way to help Remus, he's sure he'd have barely made it back to the flat before he'd have been begging for the chance to get him off.  _ Is that what you look like in the classroom? _ , he thought, as he watched Remus take on his own father.  _ This weekend is likely going to be unbearable. _

  
  
  
  
  


"Okay, I feel pretty confident saying that I think we can fix it. If you follow through with the exercises and keep treating it with the anti-inflammatories I gave you..." Remus sniggers. "For the last time, the fact that I have a cabinet full of muggle medications that I give out to my patients, does not make me a 'pusher', or whatever you called it. If you keep making these pager jokes and referring to the chemist down the street as my supplier, I'll make you find another Healer." Sirius is doing a terrible impression of being upset and he knows it, but that's not the point.

"About that," Remus steps back into his trousers in the open corner of the exam room. "I think I'd like one of the interns to look after me, if that's okay with you."

"It's best for both of us, I think," Sirius answers plainly from his place by the desk. "If you're actually going to start looking after yourself, it's going to be hard work and the person setting the programme is going to have to push you. I really don't want that to be me."

"So you're okay then, if I ask Karabo to take over when I get back?" Now fully dressed Remus comes up behind Sirius where he's writing out his notes, and wraps his arms around his shoulders.

"Perfectly. You know I like looking after you, and I'm still going to, but I'd much rather be your boyfriend than your Healer, and I can't be both." Sirius reaches up and pulls Remus' arms tighter around him. "You'll look after yourself though? I promise I won't check up on you, I really, really don't want to be that person, but I need you to tell me you'll do the work."

"You're going to see me do the work, Pads," Remus says, turning his face into Sirius' neck. "I'll do anything to make sure I get as many of these days as possible."

  
  
  
  
  


_ Just trust me _ , Remus thinks for what must be the hundredth time since they left the hospital. He knows he's being cagey, but that's how surprises work, isn't it? Unfortunately Sirius doesn't seem to be doing well with not knowing what's going on. Admittedly, Remus has been quiet the whole way, and he refused the bike, again  _ surprise _ , and he's taken them on three separate side along apparitions, to try to hide the final destination, but still, Sirius' sullen routine is a bit much. Remus is, quite honestly, starting to get a bit sick of it, when Sirius loses his cool first. "If you've got something bad to tell me, can you just do it already?"

"What?" He knew Sirius was pouting, but what is this? "What are you talking about?"

"You're clearly stalling because we've been traveling in circles. You said no to the bike, which obviously means you don't want to have to get back with me if we're fighting, and you haven't said more than four words strung together since we left the hospital." Sirius is worked up now, hands waving wildly, gestures getting bigger, voice louder as he gathers steam.

"Padfoot. Look at me." Sirius lets his eyes flit briefly before turning them back to the ground. "One more jump. I promise I've got nothing bad to tell you. Can you trust me for one more?"

There's no other response than Sirius taking tentative hold of the offered hand, so Remus holds tight to compensate and thinks hard about a place he's only ever been once before. They land a little roughly in a non-descript alley, asphalt ground, stone walls weathered by decades of London rain and cold and who knows what else. Sirius falls into Remus on his first stumbling step, but he's quick to put space between them as soon as he's steady. Remus tries not to feel hurt. "I'll give you three chances to guess where we are," he says softly.

"Don't need them. This is the alley behind the shitty little club I dragged you all to in sixth when I was celebrating finally being free of my parents." Sirius looks around. "Why are we here?"

"We're not yet." Sirius shoots him a look to say, _ I agreed to one jump _ , but Remus is faster. "We're here, were just not exactly here, come?" He holds out his hand, visibly nervous, and tries not to look too relieved when Sirius accepts it. "What do you remember about that night?"

They are walking hand in hand to the back doors which Remus opens with a clever bit of magic. "Mr Lupin, are you breaking into this building?" Remus tugs his arm playfully and rolls his eyes. "Mostly what I remember is how unbelievably loud it was, and getting drunk, and dancing, and then someone got sick, Peter? James maybe? What am I looking for?"

"Here. Stand right here," Remus says, as he deposits Sirius two thirds of the way up the dance floor, a little left of centre, before crossing to the close wall and learning his back against it.

"What are we doing, Moons?" Sirius is turning a full circle, his eyes roving out over the club, searching for some sort of sign he's supposed to be noticing.

"There, right there, that's where you were the first time I ever saw you truly happy. I was here," he says, motioning between them, "and you were there. You were dancing with James and you looked like nothing could ever hold you down again." Remus tilts his head to one side in consideration and looks Sirius over. "That's how I feel with you."

"Remus." All in one, on an exhale. "You can't just say things like that. Fuck, how do you keep doing this to me?"

"God that's sexy when you blush like that." Remus tilts his hips forward just enough to make clear the effect Sirius is having on him. "I was hard that night too."

"Fucking hell, Moons." Sirius drops his eyes closed for one beat, two. "Come here?" It's almost plaintive.

"Whatever you want, Pads, but I will say I had my heart set on having you against this wall." Remus watches as Sirius preens even as the flush spreads darker through the open collar of his shirt.

_ Anything, I'd do anything to have every night like this _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me on Tumblr @astoundinglymade, because you are. Astoundingly made, that is. We all are, it's wild.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's 2:51am and I've just finished this chapter, because apparently I left gaps? Whatever. Anyway, thanks here go to Sarah (@underthenightskydreamsneverdie) for her insomniac tendencies and for being the best recipient of the bits I have to cut.

"It's not a big deal, Moons." You'd think it was a job interview, the way Remus is pacing in the living room when Sirius comes back early from the hospital to pick him up. "You've already met everyone, and you don't have to teach until tomorrow. Just relax. We're just going to the hospital to meet the other teachers and be sure everyone's ready for tomorrow."

"Yeah, yeah, I know, it's just…" His face looks pained as he ducks his head and busies himself digging through his bag.

Sirius crosses over slowly and runs a hand up his back to the base of his neck and wraps his fingers just lightly. "Just what, love?"

"Do they know about us?" Remus keeps his eyes firmly downward. "The other wolves, the interns, do they know we're…"

"Together? In love? Embarrassingly soppy?" He moves over and wraps himself over Remus' back. Presses a kiss into the side of his neck. "They can know whatever you want. I haven't told anyone anything, but I'm pretty sure they know how I feel about you already."

Remus tenses a bit under Sirius' hands. He's chewing the inside of his bottom lip in that way that says he's choosing his words carefully. "Can we wait? Is that shitty?" Remus goes fully still for just a second then squeezes Sirius' hand in his own. "No, nevermind. Ignore me." He's lifting his bag over his head when he realizes that Sirius hasn't actually stepped away. Sure, he'd dropped his arms when Remus made a move to gather his things, but other than that, he's standing, frozen, in exactly the same place.

"Remus." Not a question. The sound tight and short. Remus' eyes are drawn to him immediately, Sirius is never, well, serious, without reason. "I agreed to respect your boundaries when we talked about money, and now I'm asking you to respect mine. If you want something, if you need something from me, I need you to tell me. You need to let me in, Moons."

Remus drops his eyes and Sirius slumps. He knew this would be hard. Remus keeps himself closed off for protection. Always has. Out of everyone, Sirius already has more access than anyone else into the mysteries of Remus Lupin, but that's only because most people have none at all. "I can't, love. I can't be expected to give everything to someone who hides himself away. I love you. All of you." He takes an impossibly small step in Remus' direction. Just a gesture, an attempt to draw him back in. "Come on, Moons, you must know by now just how badly I want this to work."

"For how long?"

He answers like a reflex. "Forever. For always. Until the end of time, Moons."

Sirius comes to, now, eyes wide, arms reaching for any purchase on Remus' body. Anywhere he can dig his hands in to pull him closer. "Please, don't. I know what you're doing, Remus, and I'm not going to let you." _This is us_ , Sirius thinks as he balls his fists tighter into Remus' jacket, turns his tear filled eyes to tuck his head into the curve of his neck, while Remus stands still, arms at his sides. "I know you're going to die, and I know the pain of it is probably going to kill me, but please, please, Moons, don't wall yourself off. You're not protecting me. You're just making it hurt now too."

"Maybe we should," Remus starts but Sirius cuts him off immediately. "No! No you're not backing out of this. God damnit, Remus. Look at me." The fight stays in his eyes but Sirius forces his tone back to somewhere closer to gentle. "Moons, come on, just look at me."

Sirius is sure the wait is tearing him apart, but Remus needs to come to things in his own time for this to work. As much as he'd like it sorted, Sirius could never bring himself to force Remus into anything. It would be too easy, and that's the scariest part. If they're really going to do this, Remus is going to have to start fighting for what he wants. After all these years of hiding and following, Sirius isn't sure he wants to.

Slowly Remus drags his eyes up to Sirius' face, and even though he keeps them focused slightly to the left of his nose, Sirius takes it for the effort it is. "I'm not… I'm really...I don't…, fuck. Pads." _Dear God, he's beautiful_. Sirius waits him out, loosens his grip and readjusts his hold until it's less desperate, more loving. When Remus' hands alight on his back he does nothing to mask the relief, and slumps gratefully into his arms. "I don't want to lose you. I'll try, I promise, I really will, but I've never…"

"Hey, you're not going to lose me. It's been years and years and I'm still here." Sirius pauses and breathes him in. "Don't think you're going to get rid of me that easily. I know it's hard, I'm not expecting a miracle, I just want you to feel safe with me."

It's Remus that moves this time. For a moment Sirius is thrown off, unsure what's happening, but then he's in the air, lifted by his thighs until Remus has him by the bum, his legs wrapping Remus at the waist. "I always feel safe with you. Do you really not know that? My parents' house, the Hogwarts dorms, and anywhere you are," Remus breathes out as he backs Sirius into the wall. "Those are the places I feel safe. Here, with you, this is better than safe, this is home."

"Fuck Remus," Sirius manages before his head hits the wall with the impact of Remus' mouth on his neck. 

"I'm going to try, Pads. I really am. I've just never," he drags his mouth up Sirius' jaw, breath hot across his skin.

"I know, shit Moons, fuck, I... I know it's hard, just, do you, do you really want to wait? I can...I don't… Holy shit it's hard to think when you're doing that." There's a chuckle from Remus against his shoulder.

"I could stop?"

"Don't you dare." Sirius steels himself for one more burst of words before giving himself over. "We don't have to say anything. You don't have to explain it now. Whatever you need."

"Just this, just you," Remus says before he brings Sirius back in for one last kiss.

"We're going to be late." Sirius lowers his feet to the ground and fuss his best to straighten his clothes in the small space between Remus arms.

"Yes, Healer Black."

Sirius groans in frustration at the words. "You have terrible timing, you know that?'

"Really? I think it's pretty good." The smirk of Remus' face can only mean trouble and Sirius can't bring himself to care. "I'm feeling better about this evening already. It's hard to be nervous with you blushing like that."

"You're a menace. And I love you so fucking much."

"Same. Now let's go."

  
  
  
  
  
  


It isn't until they're walking toward the room where they are set to meet everyone that Remus' nerves start to fray again. Sirius can see it in the way he fidgets his bag on his shoulder, how he keeps putting his hands in his pockets, then taking them back out again. "Hey, come on, you're getting nervous again. What do you need?" Sirius joins their hands in Remus' pocket and pulls him into a hall that breaks off to the right. "It's just us, Moons."

"I just feel like everyone else is supposed to be here, but I'm just pretending? They're real teachers." He's looking over Sirius' shoulder, eyes unfocused.

"You're a real teacher, love."

"You know that's not what I mean. I'm not teaching runes to fifth years, Pads, this is important."

"Okay. I think I see it. You're worried about letting the other wolves down. What if you teach them to defend themselves and it isn't enough." He smooths his free hand over Remus' shoulder. "No one is asking you to save them, Remus."

"I know, I just…"

"Honestly, love, I can't imagine. I've only ever had you to save and it's overwhelming enough." Remus meets his eye then with a kind of amused confusion.

"You want to save me?" He's looking at Sirius so intently, as if he can search the answer out on his face.

"Every day since I met you."

"Come on, that's ridiculous." The soft smile is out now, eyes bright with something Sirius can't quite read. "You must know that you did. That's what we've been doing all these years, isn't it? Saving each other?"

"You know what, I used to feel really sad about us not getting together earlier, but dear God, sixteen year old me would have died. The things you say, Moons." Sirius closes his eyes and gives one slow shake of his head.

"I could say the same about you," Remus says into his temple. "You built your life around me, how do you think that feels? You gave me Padfoot, and friends and things to look forward to. We're saving each other, Pads. Always."

"We've got to go, are you still nervous?"

"Yeah."

"Okay," Sirius says with a cheeky smile. "I'll take this one for the team. Fluster me."

Remus' smile grows fast and wide. "Yeah? Okay, let me think." He's getting into this, finger on his chin, brow furrowed in fake concentration. "Okay. I think I've got it." He steps forward and crowds Sirius against the wall opposite, then leans down, lips just grazing his ear. "When we get home from here I'm going to tell you what I wished for when I blew out the candles on my birthday cake in year five."

"But you told us that. You got all weird when James asked you about it, all red faced and awkward, then you told us."

"I lied."

"You, oh! You got all awkward and blushy and you lied." Sirius looks up nervously. "About me?"

"Oh, yes. Very much about you." And Remus gets exactly what he was aiming for when Sirius ducks his head a little too slowly to hide the bright pink flush that blooms across his face. Remus reaches to catch his chin and tips it up. "So pretty."

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


All in all there are eight teachers there that night. Remus already knows half of them and the other half are all warm and inviting. Lily, who's here in her capacity as Potions Master, is a great balm for any awkward moment, and really they are halfway through before Remus realises he's doing okay.

When Sirius catches up with him next he's been cornered by two of the teachers he hasn't met before. There's a tiny woman, Ms Gupta, who will be teaching charms and a man who makes him think of Salma, that will be helping with transfiguration. "Now Remus, I hope this isn't forward of me, but seeing as you're the only werewolf among us." Oh shit, the panic flits fast enough across Remus' face for anyone else to miss it, but Sirius doesn't. He's at Remus' side in a flash, a steadying hand on the small of his back. "I'm a little worried about language. I've heard both you and Healer Black refer to his patients as wolves, but that feels a little over familiar for someone just coming in. I'm hoping you can save me from offending anyone."

The look Remus sends him is half relief, half where are these people coming from. After years of being insulted and maligned at every turn, he still can't believe the way Sirius had built this safe space for his people. "You're probably right. Many of us joke around, or try to use the word to reclaim it. Take it back from the people who've tried to hurt us with it. If I call myself a wolf, the logic goes, than you can't use it against me. But if you call me a wolf? That can be difficult to parse." It's funny, Sirius thinks as he watches Remus work Mr Benjelloun through his thoughts. _We did this as kids. I'm not sure I've ever really thought about it._ "Sirius here, he's earned the right to call me wolf. He's my best friend, my pack mate, and he's devoted his life to our care. But he's had to prove that to each and every one of his patients in turn. When he meets a new wolf, it's a new negotiation, does that make sense?"

"Yes, yes I think so. So, when I'm meeting these students tomorrow, how should I refer to them?"

"By their names, like any other, I suppose," says Remus though he looks deep in thought. "When it comes up, because it will, it's why you're here, just call us werewolves. It's the accepted term, you shouldn't offend with that."

Mr Benjelloun reaches out his hand with a big smile, and Remus takes it easily. "Thank you, really. This is such a wonderful opportunity. I'm sorry to pick your brain like this, I just don't want to muck it up."

Remus laughs freely in response. "I've met very few people who care at all about offending me, Mr Benjelloun, so please never apologize for asking. I'll be around tomorrow too, in case anything else comes up."

"Thank you, I will," he says before turning back to Ms Gupta.

"So, how are you feeling?" Sirius finally has Remus alone for the first time this evening.

"Do you remember my birthday in fifth?" Remus touches Sirius' cheek so briefly it won't be noticed.

"Still nervous then?"

"Always."

"James and I smuggled fire whisky and muggle cigarettes into the school and Peter arranged the cake. We celebrated on the roof after lights out." Sirius' eyes glaze over as he remembers the night. Warm for March, which was lovely, and the moon waning, his favourite part of the month, when Remus is all healed and there are still weeks to go before he'll be hurt again.

"You were wearing my grey jumper and you pulled me in to light your cigarette from mine. James was talking about Lily and Peter was making fun of him, as usual, but you and I were somewhere else. We must have had hundreds of those moments. I wanted to kiss you in each and every one of them." Remus gives him a sort of half smile that says, I'm sorry, I want to too, and Sirius returns it.

"Would have been one hell of a birthday if you had."

Remus laughs. "That it would have. Alright, how much longer?"

"Not long now, you're doing amazing." Sirius risks a quick squeeze of his hand, and it's rewarded with a smile he knows is only for him.  _ Here we are _ , he thinks,  _ still saving each other. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me on Tumblr @astoundinglymade, because you are. Astoundingly made, that is. We all are, it's wild.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remus and Lily, something is overheard, and Sirius has been scheming.

"Honestly though, Rem, how's it going?" Sirius and James have taken Harry out the back to try and tire him out before bedtime and Remus and Lily are nursing their second glasses of wine from dinner and pretending they don't need to be cleaning up.

"It's really good, Lils, he's really good. It's like," he taps his fingers along the stem of his glass and tilts his head, brows pulled in thought. "It's like it was always there. Like we were always there." He pauses to watch Sirius run past the window, a giggling Harry in his arms. "Do you know the first night when we went to sleep, he rolled into me and I knew exactly where he would end up, because we've slept like that dozens of times before. Don't get me wrong, the thrill of being able to touch him, to tell him what I'm thinking, to hear the things he says to me, that's incredible. I can't imagine that wearing off anytime soon, but beyond that, maybe under that, there's this undercurrent of familiarity and trust that, I don't know, it's just, it's wonderful."

"Look at you, you adorable sap," Lily says with a laugh, dodging away just in time to miss Remus' attempt to flick her arm. "Are you done worrying then? Do you trust that it's going to last?"

Remus' abrupt laughter is too loud for the otherwise silent room. "God, no. I'm terrified."

Standing to start gathering the dishes, Lily lays a hand on Remus shoulder and squeezes gently. "It's okay to be afraid, you know. Everyone is afraid at the start."

"It's not just that, though, is it?" They follow each other around the table, Lily stacking the plates and Remus picking up the cutlery. "What if it doesn't work? What if he gets tired of me or what if I start to get worse and he doesn't want to deal with that? What if I don't want him to have to? He's not just some guy, Lils. I don't want to lose him."

"What does he say about it?' She turns at the door and gives him an appraising look. "You are talking to him about this, aren't you?"

"He says I'm an idiot." He slumps his shoulders as he passes through the open doorway to the kitchen, dropping the cutlery into the sink for wash. "But this is real. I'm going to get worse and then something is going to kill me. One bad transformation, an infection, something, and he'll be barely forty and alone again."

It's their routine to do the dishes by hand whenever there is something important to discuss. They've had dozens of talks at this sink alone. Lily runs the water just the right side of too hot and passes him a towel so he can dry. "It's what he does, Remus. You can't make the argument that he doesn't know what he's in for."

"I know, it's just, I never thought I'd have to consider someone else. I just assumed I'd be doing it alone."

The water hits his face just before the words, but in the moment they seem inseparable. "Remus John Lupin, you insufferable berk! In what world would you ever be alone?"

"Christ, Lily!" Remus wipes the water off his face with the towel then swings it to swat her on the arm. "That's not what I meant and you know it!"

"What's with the water fight?" Sirius' voice is full of laughter, as he comes through the doorway, Harry on his hip.

"Lily threw water at me!," Remus says, just as Lily shouts, "Remus was being an idiot!"

"She didn't hurt you, did she?" Sirius crosses the kitchen and pretends to look Remus over for injuries. "I could beat her up for you."

"Now you're being an idiot," Lily says with a snort. "Bloody well deserve each other, don't you?"

Sirius wraps an arm around Remus' back and nudges his arm, as if to say,  _ hold us closer, _ and drops his head onto Remus' chest when he does. "No one deserves my Moony."

Lily makes no attempt to hide the gagging gesture she makes in James' direction. "You ready for bed, Harry?"

"He was asking for a story from Moony when we brought him in, so it looks like he'll have to do the honours." James motions to Remus to follow, "come on, I'll help you get him all ready."

"Yeah, I know. I heard you the first time, but I'm not going to take it. For one, it's not like we can't afford it, and for another, it's a donation I'm happy to make, just take it. If the funding falls through, you'll need yours to keep going." Remus can just barely hear James talking in the kitchen on his way back downstairs. In the end, Harry had needed three stories and a cuddle, but he's asleep now, and Remus is feeling sleepy himself after twenty minutes of cuddling a warm little body in the dark.

"Fine, have it your way." Sirius, now. "But it stays between us. I'm having it listed as anonymous. You don't need to get mixed up in this."

"Mixed up in what?" Remus' words seem to startle the other three into silence where they are sat at the kitchen table around a pot of tea. "Is anyone going to tell me what this is about?"

"It's nothing, really," says Sirius before the other two can answer. "The Board is just trying to find another way to strip our funding. I'm not worried about it."

Remus stands behind the empty chair at the table, hands on the back of the chair and looks hard at Sirius, before making an effort to relax his features. "Alright, if you say so. Now, if it isn't rude, I'd like to go home. Having a snuggle in the dark with Harry has made me realize just how tired I am."

"Sure, love. Let's get you home." James and Lily exchange a tight look as Sirius gets up from the table and moves past Remus to get their coats. James follows him out and Remus makes an excuse about using the washroom before they go. He's sure Lily will try to talk to him about whatever it is he just walked into, but it's Sirius that owes him the explanation.

  
  
  
  
  


"I want you to tell me what you were talking about back there," Remus says, as soon as they are both through the floo and back in their flat.

"It was nothing." Sirius busies himself with hanging up his jacket and storing his shoes to avoid meeting Remus' eye.

"Sirius, if you want this, if you want to do this, you need to stop lying to me about money. I know you think I'm stubborn, but this isn't about protecting my feelings. You lied to me back there. You lied to my face."

Remus can see all the fight sink out of Sirius at once. Dropping his hands from where they'd been straightening his scarf on the hook, he turns, head lowered, and makes his way to the couch. "Okay. You're right. I lied, we all lied, but I was the one who asked to keep it quiet. Can you come sit here and I'll tell you all of it?"

Remus crowds his brows and takes the corner of his lip between his teeth, clearly weighing whether he's angry enough to stay standing. "All of it, Sirius."

"Everything. Just please, come here?" Sirius tucks himself a little further into his side of the three seater, as if to show Remus that joining him on the couch isn't preamble to anything else. He gets a single, tight nod in response then Remus settles on the other side.

"Okay. So you already know that I had a meeting with the board of directors a couple of weeks ago and they gave my budget a pretty thorough going over. It's not the first time, we go through it every six months." Sirius is worrying the cuff of his dress shirt in his fingers, too nervous really, to watch for Remus' reaction. "Last time they pulled my programmes out from the rest of the department so they could make sure their cuts went right to us, and this time they decided to cut our discretionary budget. It wasn't an accident. The discretionary funds were financing the conference." Remus' eyes go a little wide at the mention of the conference and Sirius braces for the rest. "The meeting was an opportunity for each of the board members in turn to tell me what horrible beasts werewolves are and how little they deserve to learn magic, or in more than a few of their opinions, live. When they saw the opportunity to pull the funding for that particular effort, they took it."

"What does this have to do with James? Why would you have to lie about that?" Remus looks more worried than angry now, an improvement Sirius hopes will hold.

"I tried to pay for the conference myself, just essentially donate the money to myself, but someone from the accounting department came up to say that was against policy. In the end we worked something out where James and Lily would donate the money and I'd pay them back." Okay, here goes, Sirius thinks, as realisation begins to dawn on Remus' face. "The hospital didn't have a problem taking their money because they aren't affiliated with St Mungo's, then James refused the transfer I sent in return. That's what we were talking about when you came in."

"And you didn't want me to know," Remus begins tentatively, "because that means you were, and now they are, paying me to be here."

"Yes." All Sirius can do now is wait. He's given Remus what he wanted, the truth, and now he's got to give him time to decide what he thinks of it. The problem is that Sirius has no idea how to read whether or not it seems to be going in his favour and as the seconds tick by, he's getting more and more afraid. 

"Well, this is shit." Sirius' head snaps up at the seemingly too glib tint to Remus' words. "What do you think they'll take next? Can they shut you down? What will you do?"

Remus is animated as he asks his questions in rapid succession, but Sirius finds he can't quite wrap his head around the way their conversation has just turned so quickly on its face. "Wait, Remus, James paid for your trip, he's paying for your work, I lied to you. We're just brushing past that?

"Oh, no, I'm really angry that you tried to keep it from me, and that you dragged them into it, but at least I understand what you thought you were doing. You can't lie to me, Sirius. And you definitely can't lie to me about money. I thought we already dealt with this." He holds Sirius' eye while saying the next bit to be sure he's being understood. "I know you think I have weird rules about money, and gifts in general, but they are mine and I have them for a reason. If you want me to feel comfortable here, comfortable with you, you are going to need to learn to respect them."

"Yeah, yes. Yes, I won't try to hide something like that from you again. And, for the record, this was before we, no. Ignore that, it doesn't matter. I knew you'd hate it. I was just already so worried about whether or not you were going to come and what you'd say if you did, and then I got word that the budget was gone. I couldn't bring myself to tell everyone we had to cancel so I just tried to fix it." He reaches nervously for Remus' hand and is grateful when it's taken and he's pulled forward into a hug. "the only thing I could think of was to pay for it myself, but then I knew you'd hate that. I just didn't want to give you another reason to say no."

"So you lied." There's a hint of a laugh in Remus' voice as he pulls Sirius into his lap.

"I didn't say it was a great plan. Are you okay, though? Are we okay?" Running his fingers along Remus' cheek, across his temple and into his hair, Sirius looks his face over for any signs of lingering anger.

"More than," Remus breathes out, leaning his head into Sirius' palm. "You didn't answer my questions, Pads. What will you do if you lose your funding, what if they take all of it away?"

"James and I had plans drawn up last spring for a clinic. There's a piece of land I have my eye on. We're going to outgrow the hospital soon enough, anyway." Sirius speaks these words like an afterthought because Remus has a hand in his hair and another on his back, but comes to when he hears a sharp breath next to his ear.

"You're building a clinic? For werewolves? You're building a werewolf clinic?" Remus sounds almost frantic, his voice high and sharp.

Sirius pulls him in and runs his hand slowly up and into Remus' hair again, bringing their heads together. "Well, James and Lily, and some other investors, and you, I hope. We're building a clinic. We're building a werewolf clinic. For werewolves and their families. Healthcare, education, community centre, I was thinking of trying to find a way to house some of the older wolves, do you think that would be useful?"

"You're incredible, do you know that?"  _ Those Lupin eyes _ , Sirius thinks fondly,  _ there really is no escaping them _ .  _ Not that I'd ever want to _ . "How did you get like this?"

"Funny story, that. I was on a train when I was younger, and I met a boy so quiet that at first that I didn't notice he was there." Sirius takes the chance to place a kiss, just softly, to the side of Remus' mouth. "I found out soon after that that boy had the power to take everything I'd ever been told and turn it on its head. It's was confusing there for a while, then frustrating for a good long time after that, but things have been very good recently."

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me on Tumblr @astoundinglymade, because you are. Astoundingly made, that is. We all are, it's wild.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some fluff for my girls Kat and Fay.

Sirius manages to pull himself away from the administrative part of the conference shortly before lunch on Saturday. He's been busy up until now with making sure everyone had the supplies they need, that people know when to be where, and all the other little last minute details that are involved in pulling off any kind of event, but now he's got a gap in his schedule and he's going to use it to sneak in to Remus' class.

When he ducks in the back door, Remus has the participants lined up in pairs going over the shield and deflection spells they've been learning. He watches as Remus moves through the group, going pair to pair, correcting a stance here, a pronunciation there, a wand movement pattern as he goes. With each group he shares a warm smile, an encouraging bit of praise and, in most cases, a quick laugh about some private joke Sirius can't discern from his vantage point at the back of the room.  _ He's a natural _ . That's the overwhelming thought that comes over Sirius as he watches Remus make his way through the room.

In fifth year, when all at once it seemed like every student suddenly decided to take heed of the constant lectures from their heads of house and 'get serious about their studies,' the Marauder's had, for a term, conducted a study group out of the transfiguration section of the library. Sirius can't remember who initially suggested the group but it would have to have been James or Remus. Sirius, clearly, would not have suggested something that kept them indoors, and worse, under the nose of Madame Pince two evenings a week for anything, and Peter tended to follow rather than lead in those days. James had been in it for the chance to spend time with Lily, that Sirius knows for sure, but he still can't say whether that was the impetus or simply a fringe benefit of the group, since even James seemed to have bought into the panic surrounding OWLs. Remus, to his credit, was nervous about the study group at first, mostly because he felt it would take away from his own study time, sure as he was that he'd get nothing done with "all these people around." He did however vocally and repeatedly make clear how good he thought it was that James and Sirius were studying at all.

What Sirius remembers most about that period is watching the group slowly transform from a collection of students using the time to get their own work done, into the Remus Lupin Lecture Hour. Once the others caught wind of how far ahead Remus was of them in nearly every subject, and the patient way he could explain even the most complicated material, they began to gravitate to him until, by Easter break, he was setting lessons and using the time to properly teach his peers. As much as he grumbled about the effort he put in to prepare, and the time he lost from his own studies, Remus never looked more at ease than he did leading that group.

"You should teach," Sirius said to him one evening as they were setting the long table in the library back to rights before curfew. "You're a great teacher."

"I don't know." Remus paused for a minute, hand freezing on the book in front of him before he shook his head and continued gathering his things. "I'm not sure that's a good idea. No one's going to want to hire a werewolf to teach their kids, are they?"

"I would."

"You're having kids, are you Sirius?" Remus flashed him a bright smile.

"No. No, you're probably right," Sirius said dismissively. "There are probably better odds of you being a Professor at Hogwarts than there are of someone wanting kids with me."

Remus looked up then, a little crease between his eyes, and gnawed on his the inside of his lip. "At least that could happen by accident."

Sirius laughed loud and sharp at that, drawing a resigned plea from Madam Prince. "No, Moons. No it really couldn't." His voice quiet now. Almost sad.

"What's this pity party I'm interrupting?" James, always the moral booster among them. "You both know you can do anything you set your mind to. You're the smartest men I know."

"Obviously we're not," came from Remus as the same time as Sirius breathed out, "not true. I've tried," barely loud enough to hear. Remus' eyes flashed to his own in concern, just briefly, before James started up again, rambling on about Lily and his plans for the last quidditch game of the season.

  
  
  
  
  


"Pads? Are you still awake?"  _ Will he believe me if I pretend I'm not? _ Sirius had been in a bit of a strop since they had left the library and he'd been really looking forward to the chance to sleep it away. _ Fuck it _ . "Yeah, come on in." Sirius shuffled to one side of his bed and lifted the blankets for Remus to join him. "We're getting too big for this, Moony," he said when Remus tried to close the hangings and nearly elbowed him in the face counter balancing himself. "Nonsense. We'll just have to cuddle up more," Remus replied easily.  _ Yeah, about that _ .

"So what's got you worked up?," Remus asked once he'd settled. "You were fine until we were packing up. Then I said something about you having kids and James said something about you doing anything you set your mind to, and you've been like this ever since."

Sirius couldn't remember what hands did. Where were you meant to keep them? Above the blankets, obviously, but other than that he drew a blank. He'd been fixating, looking his fingers over as he turned them in his lap when Remus spoke again. "I'd like to be a teacher.I really would. I just…"

"Please do not tell me you're not good enough, or that people won't want you Remus. You know I won't stand for that." Sirius grabbed on to the focus shift like a lifeline.

"And I won't stand for you pretending that who you are is wrong either, Sirius."  _ Wait, what _ ?

"I don't… What are you talking about?" Sirius could feel his heart thumping hard against his ribs. This was not a conversation he was ready to have.  _ Not with Remus of all people! _

"I'm not going to push you. I don't want you to push me."  _ What the hell? _ Sirius thanked everything for the darkness that covered the shock that painted his face in an instant. "But we're not wrong. There's nothing wrong with either of us. Please don't feel you need to change it."

"I...I don't know what you're talking about," Sirius ventured pitifully.

He had felt the small huff of a laugh that came from Remus, just an exhale really because when he turned they were only inches apart. "Yes you do." His voice is light and very quiet. "When you're ready to talk about it, I'll be here. Can I, I mean, would it be okay.. If I wanted to talk…"

"I'm always here for you, Moony." The words came out much braver than he felt. His body positively thrummed with adrenaline and shock and whatever it was that made him want to curl into Remus and live there, but that had been happening often recently and he'd already decided not to think about that. Never to think about that, but right here, in this moment, it refused to go away, and the strain had been too much, the need for comfort too great. "Want to stay?"

"Yes." Barely a sound. If they hadn't been pinned up against each other in this too small space, air alive with fear and vulnerability, he'd never have heard it. "Thanks, Pads."

"Anything for you Remus." 

  
  
  
  
  
  


"I know I sound like a broken record, but I'm going to say it again, I want you to rely on the techniques we've already covered as much as possible. There are very few kinds of danger that are worth drawing the attention of the Ministry and everything we cover from here on out will do . Never exactly that don't forget that your wand is illegal, you are easy pickings, and they won't hesitate to kill you. Is that understood?" Remus is deliberately holding the eyes of the youngest members of the group as he speaks the last words.

Sirius wasn't wrong, he's terrified that what he's teaching here today will not be enough to protect them and, in the worst case, could actually lead to more harm. These two boys, Haru and Bilal, have been mucking about the whole way through the first two thirds of the lesson and Remus is worried that they aren't taking his warnings seriously enough. Maybe a demonstration? "Healer Black? Do you think you could come forward and help me with something?" Sirius walks carefully through the gathered participants flashing a smirk and mouthing a wide eyed 'Healer Black' at Remus once he's sure no one can see. Remus is immediately sure he's made a horrible mistake. He shoots Sirius his best look while whispering, "behave," but he only smiles saccharine sweet in return.  _ Well, fuck _ . "Thanks. Alright, Healer Black," a quiet clearing of the throat from Sirius.  _ Dear, God _ . "is going to help me demonstrate the risks you run by using your magic in an aggressive way, even if you do so in self defense. I'll be the wolf in this situation, naturally, and he'll be someone trying to hurt me. What I want you to see is the skill you're up against. It would be unfair to say either of us is a bad duelist, but we're also not Aurors. What we're learning here today does not equip you to take on even the least skilled Hogwarts graduate. All we're trying to do today is give you some quick defensive options just in case. Alright?" There's a general hum of ascent throughout the room and Remus puts up a finger to signal that he's going to confer with Sirius for a second.

"I need you to actually come at me. Can you do that?" Remus is trying his level best at serious but the smile twitching at the corners of Sirius' mouth is threatening his resolve. "What? Just tell me now, will you? Otherwise you're going to be insufferable." They are whispering at the front of the room, but also the only ones talking, so they've got everyone's eyes on them even if they can't be heard.

"You look fantastic up here," Sirius says with an appraising look at Remus.

"Dear God, Sirius. Knock that off. Are you prepared to actually try to hurt me, or no?"

"Are you prepared to defend yourself?" How is there something salacious in the question? What is even happening here?

"Yes," Remus says with finality. "That's the bloody point."

"Just want to make sure you'll come out of this unscathed," Sirius whispers back. "I have plans for you later."

"Fuck you," Remus whispers back, hard and fast.

"I think maybe fuck you." Sirius turns back to the group before the words have even registered, and Remus is grateful for the long moment Sirius buys him by cracking a joke with one of the other participants.  _ Yes _ , he's sure of it now,  _ this was a horrible mistake _ .

  
  
  
  
  
  


What follows is fifteen minutes of what might be the most fun Remus has had since school. Sirius, true to his word, does not hold back, and neither does Remus. Sirius is just as lithe as ever as he twists and turns through his advances and parties, even offering a feint at one point that has Remus leaping out of the path of his own reflected jinx at the last minute, grateful for his currently settled knee. They are by no means old men, but Sirius looks like youth personified when he duels. Face alive in laughter, limbs loose and desperately alive. They finally call the draw when Remus has Sirius pressed against the white board at the front of the room, his hands locked to his sides, the oft used counter curse, one of the many he'd mastered wordlessly, on the tip of his tongue.

"Well done, Mr Lupin," Sirius congratulates with a firm shake of Remus' hand and a heaving chest. "Well matched as always." His formal tone breaks as he used their joined hands to pull Remus in close. "You looked gorgeous out there."

"You're one to talk, Pads," Remus forces out through his still leveling breath. "Fuck, you look sexy like that. When do we get to go home?"

"You want me, Moons?"

"Always."

Sirius chuckles out a laugh. "We'll break for lunch in an hour, want to see my office?"

"Dear God," Remus closes his eyes and breathes out slowly. "Now get out of here or I'm never going to be able to finish this."

"As you wish, Mr Lupin," Sirius says loudly to the room. "I'm off to make sure everything is ready for the afternoon. I trust you'll be in good hands here. And please, you two," he says pointing plainly at Hari and Bilal, who seem to be smirking knowingly right back, "heed the warnings. I have no interest in patching you up after you've done something reckless. I might decide a night in the ministry cells might just do you a spot of good, understood?"

"Understood," they both mutter back, chastened.

"Good then. I'll see you all in an hour."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me on Tumblr @astoundinglymade, because you are. Astoundingly made, that is. We all are, it's wild.


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What's that? Adults communicating in healthy ways? Let's make this a thing, m'kay?

"I'm exhausted." Remus fairly collapses into his chair late on Saturday night. There was lunch, then the afternoon sessions, followed by dinner with all the participants, and after dinner drinks with the majority of the teachers. As the only one still holding on at the end there who was just days out from a transformation, Remus jumped in ascent when Sirius suggested they head for home.

"I know, you were falling asleep at the table." Sirius sniggers at him as he takes their jackets and hangs them by the door.

"Wasn't." Somehow Remus manages just the hint of a petulant pout that sets Sirius laughing in earnest.

"Were too. You were doing that falling asleep behind your eyes thing you used to do at quidditch practice." Sirius turns toward the hall and holds his hand out in Remus' direction. "Can you get over here by yourself, or do you need me to come carry you?"

There's a ruffle of movement while Remus readjusts himself in the chair, pulling his knees up to his chest and turning to the side to press his face into the cushions. "Shut up."

"You ridiculous idiot. If only your students could see you now."  _ I honestly don't think I could love him more _ , Sirius muses. Crossing the room, Sirius perches himself on the corner of the chair, next to Remus' thigh. "I love you."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah." Sirius runs the flat of his thumb across the ridge of Remus' cheek, his fingers splayed in the curls at the back of his head. "More than anything."

"Mmmm." Remus' leans himself into the touch, eyes closed. "Not ready to go back tomorrow, Pads."

"I know, love. Me neither." Sirius stands and starts to gather his very tired boy in his arms but Remus pushes him sleepily away.

"I can walk. I just don't want to. 'm comfy right here."

"Going to leave me alone in bed on your last night here?," Sirius mumbles into the dip between his ribs and his hip. "I think we get enough sleeping alone, don't you?"

Remus opens his eyes at that. "Oh. Yeah, come on help me up." He takes the proffered hand gladly and, Sirius is disheartened to see, avoids bearing much weight on the bad knee.  _ It's acting up again, I shouldn't have pushed so hard in the due _ l. "I can hear you thinking, Sirius. My knee is fine. It's just habit. I'd tell you if it was hurting again."

They are into the hall and praying through the door to Remus' room, their room, whatever, the only room anyone uses. "Would you, though? Would you tell me?"

"Help me to the bed." Sirius does and Remus sits at the end and motions Sirius to crouch in front of him. Sirius kneels and Remus takes his face between his hands, thumbs just grazing the corners of his eyes. "I'm not good at letting people in. You know that, Pads. You know me better than anyone and there are still so many things I've never told you." Sirius' eyes look pained at the admission and Remus is quick to offer a balm in the form of a soft kiss between them. "I love you, but even that is hard to say. I'm not good at being this vulnerable."

Gently sliding out from Remus' hands, Sirius lifts himself off his heels and burrows his head into his side, arms wrapping tightly around Remus' back, fingers digging under the fabric of his shirt to touch his bare skin. "I don't need you to do anything you're not ready for, Moons. I just want you to trust me."

Sirius feels hands sliding open and firm down the length of his back. "I do trust you. Completely." The hands come back up and coax his head until they are eye to eye, Sirius' head still cradled in Remus' lap. "I'll tell you if I'm hurting. Let's start there. I want to learn to look after myself for you, for us, for more of this. I want to do it together. The rest will come, I just can't promise when."

"Don't rush on my account," Sirius says into his side. "The last thing I want is to push you."

"Really?" Remus chuckles softly. "It's that what you were doing with your ultimatums and your deadlines? Not pushing me?"

"Not my finest, I can admit that." Sirius runs his hands up Remus' back and pulls himself against the broad shoulders until he's able to climb into Remus' lap. "Can you blame me, though? Having you back here was excruciating."

Remus pulls him forward until they are flush. "Yeah, I remember. And I was doing so well until the end there when you ruined it by kissing me."

"Ruined it, did I?" Sirius lifts off and starts helping Remus off with his shirt. "That's not the way I remember it. Let's get you to bed, sleepy boy."

"I'm going to miss this," Remus says, lifting his arms, voice partly muffled by his shirt passing over his face.

"Good," Sirius answers into a kiss on the other side. "I wouldn't want to be the only one."

  
  
  
  
  
  


Remus wakes to the tapping of a beak against the kitchen window. "Okay, okay, I'm coming," he mutters, feeling his way down the hall in his half awake state. Assuming it's some kind of work mail for Sirius, he turns to set the kettle once he gets the window open only to be pecked aggressively by the Potter's owl. "Hey there, girl. What do you have for me?" There's a package attached to her leg addressed to him that he sets aside while he tries through the cupboard for the treats Sirius hoards for his own owl. "Here you go, pretty girl. You resting or heading back?" He gets his answer in a flurry of feathers as she turns tail and flies off.

Tea first, he decides. Five minutes later, tea cooling on the table he turns to the package. The letter, written in Lily's hand, is wrapped around a one of Harry's outgrown toys. Reading it over once, then again, Remus sets the letter aside and rises to make Sirius' tea as well, before heading in to wake him up.

"Morning, love," Remus breathes into the space between them. He's stripped off his robe and crawled under the covers to curl himself back around Sirius, the way he'd been when he woke up. His words cause a flutter to pass through the muscles of his back, and Remus chases it with his mouth over his shoulders.

"Mmmm. Morning," Sirius answers, pressing himself back into the touch. "I'm definitely going to miss waking up like this." Reaching back, Sirius tries twice to hook his arm around Remus, hand on the back of his leg, missing the first time for the sleepiness in his limbs. Remus takes the hint and nudges his knee between Sirius' thighs to bring them that much closer together. "Do we have to wake up yet?"

"Depends if you want to rush, or not." Remus continues the path of his mouth up Sirius' neck, pausing only to shift his hair gently out of the way.

"Not." Sirius veritably groans the answer before twisting around to kiss Remus firmly. "I'll get up."

"Tea's on the table," Remus says when they pull apart. "I'll go run us a bath."

Getting up from the bed Remus watches Sirius stretch and pull his hair back on the way to the door to grab his robe.  _ This will be good _ , he thinks, heading off to in the direction of the washroom. He's got the water just the temperature he wants when he hears the scream come from the kitchen. "Moons! Moony, you little shit!" He's positively laughing by the time a wild eyed Sirius comes crashing through the door. "You sneaky little bugger! How long have you known?"

"Just since I woke up. The owl came not a half hour ago. I made some tea, read the letter, made your tea, and came in to wake you up." Sirius waves the letter in Remus' direction but he already knows what it says.

"Remus, thought you could use an extra night. The portkey leaves at 7:30 tomorrow morning. Congratulations on finally getting your shit together, Lily."

“You’ll stay?” Remus is taken by the hesitation in his tone. He seems genuinely worried that Remus would pass up the gift of a portkey back to France in the morning in favour of catching a muggle plane home later today. The worry there spurs remus forward to take Sirius by the back of the neck and pull him in for an unhurried kiss.

“You can’t possibly think I’m in any hurry to leave.” The words hang for a minute until Remus pulls back and sees the tension in Sirius’ jaw. “Pads, what is it? What’s got you worried?”

Sirius sinks into his hold and takes a stuttered breath. “You promise you’re coming back?”

“Oh. Oh, love, come here.” Remus pulls Sirius into him and wraps his arms solidly around his body, one hand splayed across his shoulder, the other holding his opposite hip. Sirius allows himself to be gathered up whole into Remus’ arms. “Nothing could stop me from coming back to you.”

“I just...It’s just…”

“It’s hard to trust it, isn’t it?” He’s careful to keep rubbing smooth circles into Sirius’s back while he talks.

“It’s not that, I don’t think? It’s more that you’re leaving again.” Sirius burrows his head further into Remus' chest and takes a couple of deep breaths. "I just… I'm scared that you won't come back."

"Have I ever not come back to you?" Remus coaxes Sirius' head back so they can see each other properly. "In all the years we've known each other, have I ever not done my best to get back to you as soon as possible?" He catches Sirius' chin when he tries to look away and holds his eye. "You know I hate being away from you. Imagine how hard it's going to be this time, now that I have this to come home to. I promise, love, nothing could keep me away." Remus can see the corner of Sirius' mouth starting to twitch and knows he's beginning to come apart. "Let me look after you, Pads. I'll get you ready, then we'll go to the hospital for the morning and leave at the same time we would have anyway. We can spend the rest of the day doing whatever you'd like."

Sirius just looks up at him with soft, wet eyes and lifts his arms in the air. "Am I undressing you then?" This gets a smile, albeit a small one. Remus is quietly grateful that he's woken Sirius so early as he strips him slowly of his clothes. At this rate they'll still have time for a bath and a stop for breakfast at the bakery down the street before they're due at the hospital. 

"How long until you're back?" Remus has Sirius leaned up against his chest in the bath. He's been focused on moving slowly and giving Sirius the time he needs to come back into himself, so the words seem to come out of nowhere.

"Oh, eight weeks, I think? I can check for sure when we're in the kitchen. I'll make sure you have the dates before I go." He goes back to methodically cleaning Sirius, careful to catalogue every inch of him for the time when he's away. He's got his hand siding up the inside of Sirius' knee when fingers close tight around his wrist.

"Can I visit?"

"Can you visit? You want to come to France?"

"If that's okay?"

"Of course i's okay. Pads, why wouldn't I want you to visit?"

"I don't know. I just didn't want to assume…" Remus can feel Sirius pulling into himself from the way he's getting lighter in his arms, drawing away from his touch. In a bid to stop him, Remus pulls tighter, using the arm Sirius has just let go to anchor them together around the middle. Sirius tenses against the movement then freezes, bracing.

"Sirius, please listen to me. I am never going to not want you with me. I would love for you to visit. I can show you where I've been staying, and take you around the University, and introduce you to everyone so they can see why it's so important for me to leave." Once again, Remus tries in this new position to surround Sirius with his body. He's always needed this kind of physical grounding, and Remus has always been the one to give it. Holding him through his fear is second nature, and Remus lets his memory run over all the sizes and shapes they've been over the years, all the ways he's held Sirius, all the times he's had to. "I've got you."

Shoulders, neck, arms, face, piece by piece Sirius eventually starts to sink back into his body until he's tired and spent from the effort of holding all that tension. Remus lifts and turns him until he's cradled properly on his lap in the now cooling bathwater. "Tell me what you need, love."

"Just you, just this." Sirius buries his head into Remus' chest just below his shoulder and sucks a slow kiss into the the dip there. "How come I'm the mess, now?"

"Oh, probably because you charged into this without thinking it through, like always," Remus chuckles into the humidity, a hand in Sirius' hair, another still supporting his legs.

"Excuse you!" No bite, only muffled laughter that Remus can feel shuddering through his ribcage. "I'll have you know I thought about little else."

"Is that so?" Remus throws him the quirk of a brow and tugs him up for a kiss. "It's okay to be worried, Pads. I'm worried. This, you, this means everything to me. I'm terrified we're going to mess it up. Just promise me you'll talk to me about it? No pushing me away and lying in your letters this time."

"Yeah, I'm still sleeping in your room though."

"Still  _ my _ room?"

"Are we really doing this again?" Sirius pulls up, incredulous.

"Just thought it might be ours by now." This earns him a particularly indulgent kiss that shouldn't be half as good as it is for the weird angle and the cold water, but it's Sirius and, as usual, that's all that matters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me on Tumblr @astoundinglymade, because you are. Astoundingly made, that is. We all are, it's wild.


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So close now...

"Healer Black." Mediwitch Sarah is waiting outside his office when they arrive at the hospital for the day. She looks agitated and she's got a folder held tightly in her hands.

"Sarah! Come on in, you look like you need to sit." He unlocks the door and motions Remus and Sarah through. "Should we all sit? You've got that look that usually comes with bad news."

"Maybe," Sarah starts, then darts her eyes to Remus worriedly and back again.

"Oh! Oh, I'm sorry, Sarah, this is Remus. Remus, Sarah," he says gesturing between them. Remus moves forward to shake her hand and finds his arms suddenly full of a mediwitch he's only just met.

"She lost a neighbour to Greyback," Sirius says over Sarah's bent head. "Little girl, didn't make it." They share a pained look between them and Remus wraps his arms tight around her back.

"He's been talking about me then?," Remus asks when she finally backs away.

"Oh, yes." A blush spreads across her cheeks and she ducks her head and turns to Sirius. "You've done well here, Healer Black."

Sirius laughs wild and loud at that until Remus scoffs and tells him to knock it off. "I have at that, Sarah." Remus ducks the kiss Sirius sends his way and clears his throat.

"Sarah, there was something you wanted to talk to Sirius about, would you like me to step out?"

"That won't be necessary. I just wanted to let you know that the Board is meeting again this morning. Apparently they think you're in violation of the research allowances you've been granted." She roughly shoves the folder in her arms into Sirius' hands. "I took the liberty of highlighting the important passages of the memo they circulated to members in advance of the meeting, and included some Ministry statutes I thought might be useful."

Remus receives the information with a concerned but quizzical face. "Where did you find her, Pads?"

"She found me," Sirius replies softly. "She's a wonder, isn't she?"

"Truly."

"If you're both done being ridiculous," Sarah says, straightening her robes in an effort to still her anxiety about the way they are both gazing at her so openly, "I do believe you have a board meeting to crash."

"Are you coming?" This from Remus.

"No," Sarah replies calmly. "I think it's best if at least one of us is still employed here come lunchtime."

"Very sensible." Remus calls back over his shoulder, as he follows Sirius from the room.

  
  
  
  
  
  


"Mister Black!" Healer Ellerby is up out of his seat as soon as Sirius and Remus come through the door.

"Healer," Sirius replies in his poshest voice.

"Oh, not this again!" Treadwell calls back to a round of laughter from his fellow Board members.

"Healer Ellerby," Sirius speaks loudly into the room. "I was made aware this morning that the board has concerns about my compliance with the research allowances granted to me by the Ministry. I'm here to request that I be allowed to answer your concerns."

"This is a Board matter, and as such," Healer Ellerby draws himself up to his full height in a clear attempt to intimidate, "It will be handled by the Board. At such time as a decision is made, you will be notified."

Sirius is obviously unwilling to back down. He crosses the short distance between the door and the table and pulls out a chair each for himself and Remus. "With all due respect, this is a matter that directly concerns myself and my patients, and I'll decide when it is appropriate for me to be present." Remus can hear Sirius' father in that voice, can see his mother in the way he stands rod straight, shoulders back, head held high enough to show off that long proud neck. There's no doubt that he's a force like this. Sirius may hate his parents for the way they treated him and Regulus, but he certainly doesn't seem to be afraid to use what they taught him in the interest of his patients.

"Healer Black, I'd ask you again to leave, but I think we all know it would be a waste of effort, if you insist on imposing yourself in these proceedings, please do everyone the favour of taking a seat and holding your tongue." Healer Ellerby turns away dismissively as soon as the words have been spoken and returns his focus to the other Board members. "As you can see, the main concern is that the reputation of the hospital rests on the public's impression of our ability to make judicious use of the funds we have been granted, and an expenditure such as this one, may not be perceived as being in the hospital's best interest."

Sirius reaches across Remus and drags the folder in front of his closest neighbour over until it's sitting between the two of them. When the man scoffs incredulously Remus simply throws him a look and whispers, "if we can share, so can you," a little more loudly than is necessary.

"Who even is that?," the man asks his neighbour on the other side, garnering himself only a shrug in answer.

Sirius had used the time to scan through the materials in front of him and points aggressively at the item they must be discussing. "This? You've all taken time out of your no doubt very busy schedules," the derision obvious in his voice, "to debate the merits of paying the processing fees for having the individual patient records anonymized for the purposes of our research? I'm looking here and it looks like it's less than 20 galleons per patient, there are only thirty patients that meet the research parameters, so you're all here squabbling over 600 galleons? We all know you've got 600 galleons in coin strewn through the cushions of the couches in your various estates, Ellerby. You can't honestly pretend to believe this is money worth wasting your time on?"

"It's not about the money though, is it?" It's Treadwell. Of course, why would someone charged with containing and controlling magical creatures be here otherwise. "You're opening a huge can of worms teaching these monsters magic in the first place, and if you don't care about this money, just think what it will cost to clean up once they also have magic to use against us!"

Sirius instinctively lays a hand over Remus' where it sits on the arm of his chair. He tries to catch his eye but Remus' focus is locked forward. "I still don't understand why we're bothering to look after them in the first place?" This voice comes from three seats to Sirius' right. A man he can't remember having ever seen before. "Isn't it just easier to leave them alone? That way the problem takes care of itself."

Before Sirius can register the movement, Remus is in his feet facing this stranger. "Say that to my face." Stoic Remus. Impressively calm.

"What!?" The man flounders for purchase. He's taken by surprise not only by Remus' words and tone, but no doubt also simply because he's there.

"You said that you think my kind should be left untreated. You said that that way, the problem of us would take care of itself. I'm asking you to repeat that to my face." Sirius finds himself utterly awed by the way Remus is holding himself in the face of these horrible men.  _ Look at him _ , he thinks as he takes in the proud set of Remus' shoulders.  _ Goodness he's gorgeous _ .

The room is absolutely silent save for the sputtering noises coming from the horrible man pinned so thoroughly under Remus' stare. "I, I don't understand what you're doing here." He turns searchingly to the other Board members. "Who is he? What is he doing here?"

"My name is Remus Lupin and I am a werewolf. I have been a werewolf since the age of four when a man named Greyback attacked me." Remus speaks this as if he's introducing himself very deliberately to a group of children. His diction sharp, his words slow and measured. "By your reasoning, I should have been left there to die." Remus stares his attacker directly in the eye as he continues, "I was a child. Barely tall enough to see over this table. And you would have me die. And yet, you can't bring yourself to tell me that to my face. Not so brave in the face of a monster, are you?" The man is ashen faced now. Sirius marvels at the way Remus is able to use his extraordinary willpower to his advantage at times like these, where Sirius himself would undoubtedly have lost his resolve immediately. As it is, the only reason Sirius isn't on his feet in a rage now, is because Remus would hate it, and in this moment Sirius wants these men to see what an impressive opponent they've inadvertently taken on.

"Unfortunately for you, Sir, I am a fully trained wizard unlike so many of my fellow wolves who have been stripped of their rights by bigots like you. I have no compunction about using those powers to train my brothers and sisters so they can have the skills to defend themselves against the likes of you." Sirius can see the assembled men reach instinctively for their wands when Remus acknowledges his, as if it isn't ridiculous to consider him ever being aggressive without prompting. "Healer Black and I are going to go now because we have people waiting for us, but I will leave you with this to consider. The longer you leave my people to suffer, the longer you give them to grow resentful. And when they rise up, and they will, you will be forced to remember the choices you've made."

Remus turns then and offers Sirius a small smile and a hand. "You're remarkable," Sirius whispers once Remus has him on his feet. "You're remarkable and I love you." Remus squeezes his hand harder and they walk together to the door. Remus, always the deliberate one, takes hold of the door handle and turns back to face the members of the Board one last time. "I was four years old. He came through my bedroom window and attacked me in the night. I lost many things that night. My love of the woods, the ability to feel safe in my home, my chance at a healthy life, but one thing I did not lose, one thing you can not take, is my humanity. There's a monster in this room all right, but it isn't me."

Remus holds the door for Sirius as they leave, but he's careful to keep hold of his hand. Once the door clicks solidly behind them, Sirius is there, "I've got you, I'm right here, Moons," as Remus' legs give out from under him. "Come on, you were incredible. So good, Moony. So good. Just a little further." Sirius is bearing the weight of both of them now. Remus poured across his shoulders. It's only a couple of doors down to where Sirius knows there's a staging room for larger meetings and that's where he's aiming to get Remus now. "Next one, come on, love. You're doing wonderfully. A few more steps." A wandless incantation has them through the door where Sirius is happy to see a couch and a couple of chairs along the far wall. Shutting the door firmly, he coaxes Remus across to the couch and lowers them down.

"I'm sorry, Sirius. I shouldn't have… If they take away… I'm so sorry." Remus' words come out between sobs. All the adrenaline and built up anger of the confrontation finally catching up with him.

"Shhh. It's okay, Moony. You were wonderful. Just perfect." Sirius is still trying to figure out the best way to gather up all of Remus' lanky limbs while he talks. This part, the soothing voice, the quiet words of encouragement, this part he knows, but most often when he's been needed to comfort Remus one or both of them have been injured. This full body comfort is new and he's just trying to feel his way through it as best he can. "You're so big. How do you do this with me? This feels like wrestling an octopus."

This actually gets a chuckle from Remus, who shifts himself until they are lying back to chest on the couch. "I'm really sorry, Pads. I hope I didn't…"

"What? Impress the shit out of me? Look so gorgeous telling those assholes where to shove it?" Sirius turns so he's on his back, legs hooked over Remus' and looks him in the eye. "You were, God Moony, you have no idea. You just told a whole room of very powerful men that you're a werewolf and you did it without having to. Where's that kid I met on the train, Moons?"

"Oh, funny story that," Remus says with a smile. "He was minding his own business reading when a beautiful boy came crashing in and turned his world upside down. It was scary at first, then incredibly frustrating for a good long while, but it's been pretty good recently."

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me on Tumblr @astoundinglymade, because you are. Astoundinglymade made, that is. We all are, it's wild.


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Second last one!
> 
> For anyone who's been along for the whole ride, drop your shoulders, take a deep breath, I promise you'll get the fluff you're hoping for at the end.

Mediwitch Sarah is pulling a piece of paper from the stack in James' arms, when Remus and Sirius finally manage to pull themselves together and get back up to the office. "James? What are you doing here?"

"Oh! Great, you're back. Hold on," James rifles through the papers some more and hands another one to Sarah. "That should be all of them. If you can just make sure they get out to everyone before they go to lunch, we can maybe get them collected this afternoon. Thanks so much, Sarah." The door shuts behind Sarah while James is resettling the papers on Sirius' desk.

"Hey, James?" Remus is looking at his friend expectantly, but James just continues searching through the pile. "James? What are you doing here?"

"Oh! Sarah flooed Lily and I after she sent you two into the Board meeting. Apparently I'm still listed as your emergency contact, and it seems Sarah knows you well enough to know that you storming in angry to give the Board a piece of your mind could easily turn into an emergency." James face is lit seemingly from inside by the ridiculous smile that plays across his face. "Lily and Harry are here too, I think they went off to check on something for Lily's potions class later today. So, tell me, any casualties in the meeting? Do we need a safe house for you, Pads?"

"Not me," Sirius says, with a laugh. "But you might want to watch yourself around Moony in the future." He takes a step backward and slides himself over until he's wrapped around Remus' back. "Turns out his bark is much worse than his bite."

"Stop it." Remus bats away Sirius' hands that have come up to make wolf ears at the back of his head. "Sirius is making a fuss, it was nothing."

"Are you kidding me?" Sirius is around to the front in seconds. He plants himself beside Remus and throws him a look of incredulity. "You stood up in that meeting and told that man, I don't even know who he was, Moons, he said werewolves should be left to die, and you," Sirius turns wild eyed to James. "You should have seen him! He stood up and told the man to repeat it to his face."

James looks from Sirius to Remus then throws his head back and laughs. "You did what?"

"He stood up, James you should have seen it." Sirius reaches out almost reflexively and runs his hands down Remus' back. "He looked like, regal or something." Remus scoffs loudly but Sirius waves it away. "You did, Moons, fucking gorgeous. He just stood there and dared the man to repeat it to his face. 'Say it to my face,' he said. It was amazing." Sirius is almost shaking with the excitement of reliving the experience with James.

"Are you quite finished, Pads?" If Sirius whole body wasn't immediately tuned to respond to Remus' hand in his hair with blind obedience, he might be embarrassed with the way the touch calmed him instantly. "I know you've had an exciting morning,"  _ dear God, he's talking to me like I'm a child, and I don't even care _ . "But we should get back to the conference now, don't you think? People will be wondering where you are."

James makes a face over Remus' shoulder that only Sirius can see, then covers his mouth to hide his laughter. "Shut it, James." Sirius narrows his eyes and tries to look pissed off, but he can't really find the will to care that much right now. "You need anything before we go, Moons?"

Remus tugs him flush, and uses the hand in his hair to tip his head up and back. "Just you."

"Okay, I'll meet you over there," James says on his way to the door. "Run some interference in case the news of Moony's standoff had already made the rounds."

"Thanks James." Sirius says the words without ever taking his eyes off Remus. "You really were excellent in there."

"It was terrifying. The whole time I thought I was going to cry." Remus curls his head into Sirius' shoulder and digs his hand a little tighter into his robes, where he's holding him around his back. "What if they take away your funding, Pads, what if I just ruined this for all the other wolves?"

"Shhh. It's okay." Sirius does his best to gather Remus up into his arms. "If they kill the programme, we'll just move it somewhere else, and get started on the clinic earlier than we planned. It's going to be fine. You know I'm not going to let any of your people go without just because some bigots didn't like being called out."

"You can't just move it." Remus is getting worked up again. "Where would you move it to? What if I've ruined everything?"

"Remus, listen to me. Please?" Sirius turns his head and kisses Remus gently across his cheek, his brow, his forehead. "James and I have plans for this. We've been through this before. Every six months they threaten to take it away. We'll be fine. The wolves will be fine. No one is going to be upset with you. Trust me, the last thing they'll be, is upset."

"But what if…"

"Remus, love, look at me." Remus lifts his head from where he's been keeping it tucked into Sirius' neck and looks him in the eye reluctantly. "You don't have any idea how wonderful you are, do you? All these wolves, all these people who already look up to you, they're going to find out what you did for them today." Remus opens his mouth, as if to protest, but Sirius shakes his head and continues. "You're the only fully trained magical werewolf here and you used that privilege to tell the Board exactly where they can put their thoughts about your people. You're fantastic, Remus, and you're the only one who can't see it."

Sirius can see the way Remus' lips twitch at the corner, the tears just starting to gather at the corners of his eyes. Desperate to keep him together after the morning they've already have, he runs a hand into Remus' hair and uses it to guide their faces together. "Is that what you saw when you watched me dress down my interns? Is that what I looked like to you, Moons?" Remus' eyes blink into understanding, then go momentarily very bright. "Cocksure, yeah? So fucking sexy."

Remus' mouth tastes like coffee and tears and Remus, Remus, Remus, when they come together. Sirius can feel himself putting all of the pent up stress of the morning into the kiss in an effort to pull them through the experience and hopefully out the other side. His hands are one in Remus' hair, and one slid above the hem of his shirt, thumb hooked in the tight pull off his belt at the back when Remus pulls away. "You're trying to distract me, Pads."

"I'm trying to get you through it. Is it working?" Sirius licks a long line up Remus' neck and smiles into the join of his jaw.

"Yeah. It's working, I'm definitely not thinking about the meeting anymore, but now I've got more pressing concerns." Sirius can't help but laugh as Remus smiles at him ridiculously and rolls his hips against his thigh.

"Be happy you're not leaving until tomorrow then, because I'm taking you home after this, and we have the whole night." Sirius presses back, making it obvious that he's also thoroughly invested.

"I'll be sure to thank Lily when we see her," Remus hums back against his temple.

"You do that. Now, come on, the pack is waiting."

  
  
  
  
  
  


"Catch me up," Sirius says when he finds James dragging tables around the room they've been using for lunches.

"Moony alright?" James gestures to the other end of the table he's holding and Sirius heads around to help lift.

"Yeah, shaken, but alright. He's gone to find Lily, I think. Wants to thank her for the portkey." Sirius looks at James, and sighs. "I, well… Yeah, thanks. It's really nice to have him for another night."

"I'm actually surprised you hadn't thought of it,"James says, as he moves the next table into position.

"It's not the same. If I do it, it's pushy, or needy, or something. If you guys do it, it's a gift." Sirius crosses to the stacked chairs and sets about counting out the number he needs. "We'll get there, but for now I just have to follow his lead. You know how he is about these things."

"Yeah, terrible," James laughs on his way over. "How's it going though? Are you happy?"

Sirius sits in the closest chair and runs his hands over his face. "Yes? I don't know. Happy seems too trite, too simple. I'm elated and incredibly frustrated and sometimes so scared, but also yeah, really, really happy." Sirius tips his head back and crosses one ankle over the other knee. "He's leaving tomorrow."

James pauses in his attempt to lift one too many chairs at the same time, and sits as well. "How's that going to be?"

"Awful."

"Yeah."

They just sit there for a minute, Sirius staring at the ceiling, blinking back tears, and James, elbows on his knees, his eyes watching his hands. "You need a plan, Pads." It's a whisper, but that's more than enough. "You can't come apart again."

"I know. I've been thinking about that." Blinking back the tears with little success, Sirius brings his head back to level and looks out the window. "I'm going to go visit, which I think will be good, and I was thinking of asking him if we could do something, phone calls or something, because I'm...fuck, I'm going to miss him."

"He's going to miss you too, just talk to him about it." James lifts himself from his chair and stacks it with the others to carry over to where they've been setting them around the tables. "Just talk to him, Pads. He'll be worried too."

"Yeah, I'll do that."

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


"Can you pass me that pestle?" Lily hooks her hand out in his direction without looking up from the text she's reading.

Remus fumbles through the box of supplies she's brought with her and finds the one he thinks she's looking for. "This it?"

"Yeah, thanks." Remus had come to find Lily to see if she'd needed any help with Harry while she prepped for her lesson, but it turned out Sarah, Mediwitch and godsend, had already had the same thought. "So, you're leaving tomorrow."

"Yeah, look, I really wanted to thank you for the portkey. It's not something I could have…"

"Do shut up, Remus," Lily said, with a look that could kill in his direction. "If I didn't want you to have it, I wouldn't have given it to you. Now, about leaving, what's your plan?"

"You mean with Sirius." Remus settles himself on the workstation next to Lily's cauldron earning him a noise of disappointment. "I've been thinking about that." Remus lets his eyes slip for a moment, drifting just a little out of focus whole he tries to wrap his head around what he wants to say. "I think I've convinced him to come visit, which, I'm, yeah, I'm actually really excited about. And he's gotten better with the phone, stop that," he smacks Lily on the arm because she's laughing. "It's not funny, okay it is funny, but you know he didn't grow up with one, he still thinks it's weird. Anyway, I'm hoping we'll call."

"Look, I don't want to overstep here, this is between you two, but from what I've seen the last couple of times, his biggest fear is that you won't come back. Try to think of something you can do to put his mind at ease."

"Alright," Remus says, nodding. "Yeah, I'll think about that." He hops off the table to make room for more supplies and offers the use of his height to lift them down. "You know I'm coming back though, right?"

"Of course," Lily answers with a smirk to match her smiling eyes. "You always come back to him."

Remus makes a pathetic attempt to look offended before giving up entirely. "Right? It's really just habit at this point."

It takes Lily a second to register the joke, caught up as she is in measuring out ingredients for the incoming students, but when she does she laughs wide and loud until Remus can't help but join in.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Sirius isn't wrong about the reaction Remus' outburst in the board meeting has inspired in the other wolves. Having stayed to help Lily finish setting up they arrive late to lunch and are greeted by a room full of werewolves going absolutely silent, then moving as one to jump to their feet and applaud loudly. Remus goes instantly rigid and Sirius moves, as fast as he can without running, to stand at his side. "It's okay, love." He speaks the words into the space between them, his hand rubbing a smooth arc across his shoulders. "Just breathe."

The first breath is a stilted, shallow effort that almost trips into a cough, but Remus catches it at the last moment. After that, they start to come with more purpose, Sirius mimicking their progress with the sweep of his hand. By the time the applause has begun to die down, the muscles of Remus' back are starting to loosen. "Can you manage a response, or would you like me to?" The answer he gets is the closing of Remus' fingers over his wrist, tight and sharp.

"I see the news of our little disruption this morning has gotten around," Sirius begins. "Let's not fool ourselves, pissing off the Board is likely to have ramifications," the fingers tighten, "but as I told Remus this morning, it was one hell of a thing he did for all of you, and I, for one, wouldn't have wanted it any other way. If they come after us, we'll rebuild. If they don't, we'll assume they're just lying in wait, like always. Until then, we just carry on like always, deal?"

"Deal!" Comes back to him in a mess of voices and laughter.

"Can I? I'd like…" The effort is halting, clearly difficult, but everyone quiets when Remus starts to speak. "Firstly, I'd like to say I'm very sorry, no, stop it Sirius, I am. I'm very sorry for any trouble my outburst causes you. I would never want to make any of this harder." He fidgets, and Sirius takes his hand.  _ I'm here _ , _ I've got you _ . "I am in a strange position here. I had the chance to go to school, I have a legal wand, and I am not subject to many of the same things that many of you are as a result, but I want to make clear that I want my opportunity to be everyone's gain. I will never hesitate to speak for you in places where you have no voice. I am one of you in all the ways that count, and I won't back down. If you need me, if you need something I have, please, don't hesitate to ask. I don't know what Healer Black had told you, although I do know he likes to run his mouth about me," this with a pointed look at Sirius then a shake of his head that gets a laugh. "But I'll be back from France permanently in a couple of months and I'm hoping you'll have me. Sirius has big plans for this programme and I'm excited to be a part of them."

James, the ridiculous man he is, shouts forward from the back of the room, "he's got big plans for you too Lupin!"

Sirius, never one to back down, spares a quick look for permission, then slides himself around Remus' back. "That I do."

The room erupts again in applause and laughter, much to the embarrassment of a very red Remus, who is only further mortified when Sirius pulls him in and kisses him soundly. "I love you so much, you utter arse," he says when Sirius gives him the room to breathe again. "Good," Sirius answers into another kiss. "Because I'm planning on sticking around."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me on Tumblr @astoundinglymade, because you are. Astoundingly made, that is. We all are, it's wild.


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This last chapter had gotten unruly, so you're getting it in two. Welcome to the second last chapter. Remus goes back to France.

Remus is quiet at breakfast. It's not noticeable at first because everyone should be quiet at half five in the morning, but when he's had his tea and gone back for a second, and still isn't talking, Sirius starts to worry. "Okay there?"

Sirius can feel his heart speed up when Remus shrugs the question off and turns back to the papers he's sorting in an effort to get things in order for his day of teaching.  _ Come on, Moons, don't do this now _ . Last night had been wonderful. A quiet dinner for just the two of them, eaten much too late, after they'd finally gotten the conference things squared away. Then back to theirs for what ended up being a lovely bit of domesticity, really. Remus had tidied his things in advance of the trip back while Sirius followed him from room to room sitting on the bed, the couch, the kitchen counter, talking about the trip to France he was starting to plan.

_ I'll let him finish with his papers, then we'll talk _ , Sirius tells himself, fully aware of the fear that's growing in his chest. But they don't. Remus finishes packing his work bag then moves off with his dishes to the kitchen, pausing only to gesture at Sirius' plate and mug,  _ are you done? _ Sirius can hear the water getting disrupted under the tap, the lack of a filled sink further evidence of Remus' upset.  _ He's working something out, I'll give him time _ . But he doesn't. He can't. They don't have time.

Sirius is standing in the doorway to the kitchen. He's consciously blocking Remus' only exit and, even though he feels like a jerk for it, he's been on the receiving end of a Lupin disappearing act more than enough times to know it might be necessary. "Please talk to me."

Remus' back goes rigid at the sound of his voice. Sirius can see the way his bicep flexes as his fingers tighten on the plate he's holding, counts the seconds before Remus moves with a lurch to turn off the water. "I don't know what you mean." The tone is that horrid kind of light that paints itself thinly over a tense jaw.

"You promised me you wouldn't do this."

"I promised you I'd try."  _ Oh well then, fuck the pretence, we're going full asshole, are we? _

Sirius kicks himself off the door frame and makes his way to stand behind Remus, moving just slowly enough for him to have a chance to push away. "I'm not going to let you do this." Taking the last step, he leans his body just into Remus, chest to his back, and slides his hands around to hold him tight. "You can try to keep this all in your head if you want to, but it's not going to push me away. Be miserable if you want, but I've got less than an hour left with you and I don't want to waste it." Sirius nuzzles his face into Remus' neck and breathes him in deeply. "Do you remember the first time I picked you up at the airport?"

He doesn't get an answer, but Sirius isn't put off. How could he be with Remus leaning into his touch like this? "I wanted to live in that bike ride. I wanted to feel you pressed up against me, tucking yourself into me, forever." Remus' back is looser now and Sirius can feel the change in the way his ribs no longer jut out, his back more willing to round. "I wish you didn't have to leave."

That's what does it in the end. Sirius saying the words Remus has been biting back all morning. The ones that threaten to come tumbling out every time he tries to say anything at all. Anything else. Anything but that. "I...I know."

Sirius' laughter begins in his gut and travels through his chest, shaking them both, before it erupts too loud for the moment. "Look at you Han Solo, and me without my hair up."

"Bloody hell, Padfoot! Star Wars? Really?" Remus spins around in his outrage, so abruptly that he has to hold on to Sirius to steady them both. "You have, without a doubt, the strangest collection of references I've ever heard." Remus looks truly aggrieved which only makes Sirius laugh louder.

"I really am going to miss you." This into the quick switch at the end of the laughter. Something needs to happen. They really do only have a few minutes and it can't end like this. "Can we call?"

"Are you asking if I want to hear from you?" They are so close that Remus has to lean back to see Sirius fully, his back pressed to the kitchen counter. "Everyday."

"Are you going to tell me why you were pouting?"

"Wasn't." Remus returns quickly with no bite. "Just thinking."

"About?" Sirius watches the way Remus' forehead tightens and releases as he decides exactly how much of his thoughts he's ready to share.  _ Will he ever trust me completely? Would I? _

"Just this. Just having to leave again." Remus uses a hand in Sirius' hair to pull them close.  _ Not fair, never fair, I love his hands on me, _ Sirius thinks as he moves forward as if drawn. "I'm sorry. I know I wasn't making it any easier for you by pouting about it."

"It's alright. You're back with me now." And it is. It's funny what can change with a confession and two months spent working out the details. Last week, even talking to James two days ago, he'd been still terrified about having to say goodbye again. But last night, seeing the way they move around each other now, really taking the time to recognize how much of it was already there, already learned over all the years they've been in each other's lives, Sirius is finding himself less fearful. "Come on, let's get you packed."

Sirius turns to pull Remus into the bedroom but gets stopped by a kiss to the back of his neck. "I am packed."

"No, your clothes and stuff, come on," but Remus won't budge.

" 'M not taking them," he murmurs into the space between Sirius' shoulders.

"What do you mean? Come on, you haven't got long." Sirius puts some actual effort into extricating himself this time, but Remus just pulls back tighter catching his hands in his own and wrapping himself around Sirius completely.

"I'm only taking back my work stuff and the clothes I'm wearing, the rest stays here." Sirius can feel the smile against his neck before he hears it come out. "Consider it the beginning of me moving back in."

"Moons…" 

Sirius is mid breath when Remus spins him and lifts him in one, not stopping until he's sat on the edge of the counter, heels pressed into the backs of Remus' thighs. "Look who's being distracting now."

"Yeah, well, it's a bit easier now that I don't have to be the one exercising self control for both of us, isn't it?" Remus is kissing his way down Sirius' jaw, his neck, across his collarbone where he's stretched the neck of his shirt as far as it will go. "I really am going to miss you."

"You'd better," Sirius says into the last breath of space between them.

  
  
  
  
  
  


"How was work?"

"Too long, you?" Remus settles himself into the armchair next to the window and listens to the telltale sounds of Sirius scrambling out the window and onto the fire escape.

"Just the regular. Plans for tonight?" Sirius' voice is close then far as he anchors the phone between his shoulder and ear to free his hands up to light a cigarette.

"Just this."

"I miss you." On the exhale.

"It's been ten hours, Pads." Remus can't hide the smile.

"Don't care. I can still miss you."

"I miss you too, love." Remus is still wearing the sweater he'd dug out of Sirius' closet, still wearing the shirt he's picked up off his floor in a bid to find one that smelled just a little more like him. If he closes his eyes, he can almost pretend. "Are you going to be okay tonight?"

"Yeah." The softness is surprising. It's not that Sirius doesn't do soft, he most certainly does, he just usually uses it when he's looking after Remus. Hearing him speak softly about himself is new. "I think I'll be fine. Not saying that I won't miss you, but it feels different this time. This feels different. This part where I can talk to you about it. What about you? Are you good? You left all your things here, do you even have clothes for tomorrow?"

"What answer are you hoping for?" Remus speaks slowly through Sirius' laughter stopping him short.

"Remus." There's the sound of a slow drag and an even slower breath out in which both of them are silent. "I think we both know I'd rather you naked, but only when you're here."

"What about when you come to visit?" Remus is obviously smiling. "Then we'll be here, not there, so not naked?"

"You're insufferable, you know that, don't you?"

"I'm just trying to understand." Remus can barely hold his voice steady now. "It's an honest question."

"No it bloody isn't." Remus hears the scrape of the window frame and imagines he can see Sirius making his way back inside. "When it's we, I want you naked, is that clear enough for you?"

"Crystal, but I don't think our friends will be happy with that. Might have to make allowances for dinners with Lily and James, that sort of thing." Remus is laughing brightly now.

"You're enjoying yourself, aren't you?" Sirius sounds huffy, but not angry.

"Very much so. You're not?" Sirius knows exactly the face Remus will be making as soon as he hears the cheeky tone. He could draw this face from memory, can conjure it in an instant.  _ This is love, _ he thinks,  _ these small things. The details only he ever sees _ .

"I get to go to bed thinking about you naked so, yeah, I'm just fine."

"Good. Promise me you'll call back if you're not okay." This part is tricky. Sirius isn't good at asking for help, never has been, but they're trying. Both of them. And he knows he needs to offer. "If you need anything."

"I will," Sirius says, and Remus is happy to find that he believes him. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


"Can you give me just a minute?" Sirius doesn't get the chance to answer before he hears the muffling sound of the phone falling into what must be cushions. "Thanks. Sorry, you just caught me coming in and I wanted to get my stuff off first."

"It's half eight. What kept you so late? Long day?" Sirius can hear the sigh that signifies that Remus has finally settled himself.

"We had a faculty meeting that ended in dinner and drinks. I got properly teased for leaving early for this call."

"You could have stayed. Just because I like to hear from you every day doesn't mean you need to ditch your friends." Sirius can feel the familiar anxious feeling starting to bubble its way to the surface. He has a tendency to hold on too tight, he knows that. James and Remus have always been indulgent in the past, they know he's just not used to being able to trust the people around him to care, but this is new, this isn't Remus the friend, this is boyfriend Remus, and he isn't sure what the rules are now.

"You say that like this isn't my favourite part of the day." Sirius closes his eyes and pulls his knees up to tuck his feet under the next cushion. How is it that Remus always knows exactly what he needs to hear?

"Are you sure? Last time you went round the pub with a work friend you seemed to make an okay night of it. Where's drunk Remus tonight then?" Remus lets out a huff of a laugh before answering.

"That was a shit night, Pads. The only good part was talking to you and I can't even remember it." He sounds wistful, maybe a little sad.

"You know I like sober you better any day. Especially if these teachers are even half as interested as that one was." Sirius wants to pull Remus back. Wants to remind him of all the good that came from the hard work they both put in. "I don't fancy losing you to someone else just because drunk Remus is so adorably complimentary."

"Pads. Trust me. Even drunk Remus only has eyes for you. I should know, he's been getting me into trouble for years. Thankfully you and I tend to get drunk at the same time, and I can trust you won't remember it later."

"Won't I? My memory is pretty good, Moons." Remus groans in acquiescence.  _ I wonder which time he's thinking about _ , Sirius wonders.  _ Maybe I'll let him sweat a minute. _ "Can you trust yours?"

"Am I going to need a drink for this?" Remus is trying at light, but there's an undertone of dread there too.

"Fifth year, James' birthday. Ring any bells?" Sirius has the upper hand and he's using it. "Seventh year end of year party? Marlene's birthday two years ago? Which one would you like to be reminded of?"

"Which is the least embarrassing for me?" Remus sounds defeated, but Sirius just wants to drag this out another moment more.

"They're all the same, Moons. Drunk Remus is pretty predictable. He likes to sit too close and tell me how pretty I am. He touches my hair and falls asleep in my lap. Didn't you ever wonder why it was always me who got you up to bed?" This is the first time since things have settled between them that Sirius has brought these memories out and it feels so good to sift through them again. There's a whole section of his brain, he suspects, that's just set aside for beautiful thoughts and memories about Remus that he's been very, very careful to avoid exploring over the years. Flipping through then without hesitation is lovely.

"I just assumed it was the same reason that you were the one who cared for me every month. I'm really sorry, I had no idea."

"Drunk Remus is to me what full moon Sirius is to you. He got me through a lot of lonely times when I thought this might never be possible." Sirius is smiling thinking about a particularly soppy Remus he'd practically had to carry up the stairs just before graduation. 'You're my favourite of all the people, Pads.' 'I know Moony, you keep telling me.' 'Because it's true. You're my favourite one.' "You're right though, it was the same reason. I never could stand the idea of anyone else near you. I might have thought it was torture to listen to you say such nice things to me and not be able to do anything about it, but I sure as hell wasn't going chance you saying them about someone else."

"Worried you'd lose my attentions to James, were you?" The tone is teasing but soft. Sirius is sure he'll never tire of finally getting to air all these little thoughts they've had about each other over the years.

"Fab was a risk there for a while."

"Never." Remus says it plainly, no hint of hesitation. "He was interested, you're right about that, but I only wanted you."

"I wish you'd told me."

"We're here now."

"That we are."

  
  
  
  
  
  


Remus winces as he reaches for the phone. He's been sleeping terribly, has been sleeping fairly terribly every since he got back really, but the last few nights have been especially bad. All tight muscles and aching back.  _ Hell of a way to go into the moon _ , he thinks, as he lifts the receiver.

"Hey, Pads." He's too tired to conceal the exhaustion in his voice.

"You sound terrible, what's wrong?"

"Just sleeping badly. I woke up this morning and everything hurt." Remus tries to get himself comfortable, shifting in the chair until he gives up and decides uncomfortable is the best he'll get. "Can't say I'm looking forward to going into the full already feeling this bad, but I guess I've got a few days. Maybe it will settle."

"I've got some news there, if you're interested," Sirius says quietly into his end of the line. He sounds nervous, but Remus can't guess why. He hums in response.

"I was told today that I've been moping. Turns out I've been a bit of a nuisance around the clinic since you left, the interns weren't all that specific, something about bringing everyone down." He sounds put out, like he's still defensive about being called out. "Anyway, they decided it would be best if I took some time off."

He honestly sounds sore about it.  _ You're ridiculous _ , Remus thinks fondly. "Can they do that? Can they just kick you out of your own clinic?"

"I'm not sure, but I think they just have."  _ He's pouting. Adorable _ . "Do you think, I don't know how it works but, could I come to you?" Sirius' voice trails off as he speaks. He's still afraid of being rejected, Remus can hear it in the way he dissembles, breaks his thoughts up with hesitations, fumbles the question.

"Are you telling me you could be here for the full?" Remus' voice comes out sort of robotic, it's a poor cover for the excitement he's trying to contain until he better understands what is happening.

"Yeah. Look, feel free to say no if that doesn't work for you, I really don't want to impose, I just thought that if I couldn't go to work, I'd rather, well, I'd always rather be with you." His voice is so small at the end that Remus has to strain to hear it.

"You're an idiot, Pads. On what planet would I not want you with me?" Remus tries to inject all of his feelings into his words.  _ I love you, come to me, I want you with me _ . "Please come. When could you be here? Will I get you before the moon? I'd love a good night's sleep."

"Are you using me for cuddles?" There's the hint of a smile at last.  _ Come back to me, Pads _ .

"Not just the cuddles, love. I'm also hoping for a back rub and a decent shag." Sirius laughs openly at the last.

"I could come tomorrow. I'll have to figure out the details, but I could probably stay a week. Would that be okay?" He's still tentative, speaking his needs has never been his strong suit, but he's trying.

"More than. Now, tell me something lovely while I think about having you here tomorrow."

"You're excited then?"

"To see you? Always."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me on Tumblr @astoundinglymade, because you are. Astoundingly made, that is. We all are, it's wild.


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys. We're finally here. Before we get started I just want to say thank you for cutting me some slack around the end date. I have spent months with these boys and really didn't want to end all of it feeling forced. In return for your patience, here are nearly 8000 words that follow them through the rest of Remus' time in France. And, for those of you who begged for closure, we'll finish off where we first began, in arrivals at Heathrow.
> 
> Thank you so much for coming along with me on this ride. I'm more than a little sad to see it go.

"So this is where you work, Moons?"

"It's an office, Pads. Really. You can't find this interesting."

"Of course I can. This is where my Moony spends his days, why wouldn't that be interesting to me?" Sirius is moving his way around the tiny room touching everything so intently that Remus is growing nervous under the scrutiny. Having someone ruffle through your things while you watch, it turns out, is not a comfortable feeling. Sirius has made his way behind the desk and is pulling out the drawers one by one.

"Are you quite done going through my things, or would you like to see my dental records while you're at it?"

"Oh! Is this weird? Did I overstep?" Sirius nearly jumps up from the chair, knocking over a mug of quills in the process. "I'm sorry, I just, it's nice to be here. To see where you've been working. You talk about it on the phone, but it's just nice to put the picture together. Does that make sense?"

"Yeah, no, I get it, it's just weird watching you touch everything in here like you're trying to find something." Remus tries to shake off the itching feeling that's been creeping up his back ever since they came in and moves around to reach for Sirius' hand. "I remember coming to visit your office the first time.'

"Oh yeah, you going to yell at some students for me? Let me see you putting that professor title to use?"

"I'm pretty sure you got enough of that at the conference," Remus says into the base of his neck.

"Never enough. So fucking hot."

"You like me at work?" Remus is much closer now, perched on the edge of his desk, one leg pulling Sirius into him while his hands make quick work of the top buttons of his shirt. "I like you at work, Healer Black."

"Fuck, Moony. You can't do that here."

"Do what?"  _ Innocent my ass _ , is all Sirius can think before Remus is pulling him into another bruising kiss. "I'm really glad you came, Pads," Remus says as they pull away. "I missed you."

"I missed you too, but not enough to do this here." Sirius has to put actual effort into peeling himself away from Remus, who seems determined to keep him close. It's annoying at first, but quickly escalates toward ridiculous as Remus gets sillier in his attempts, trying to catch any bit of Sirius he can hold. "What has gotten into you?"

"I'm going to feel like shit in a couple of days, I just want to enjoy you while I can." Right. The moon. This ebb and flow of the month has been a part of all of their lives for so long that is impossible to ever forget the moon is on its way, but this is still new. 

"You're going to have to help me here. What do you need?" Sirius looks up to see Remus tilt his head in consideration. "You never talk to us about this part. If you're going to let me in, I want to know what the rest of the month is like too."

"It's good, then less good, then terrible," Remus says without breaking eye contact. "Then horrific, then painful, then better, then it starts again. I'll try to tell you about it, tell you what I need, but give me time, okay? I'm used to doing this myself."

"Start easy, what do you want today? You say you think you have a couple of good days. What do you want to do with them?" 

"Same as always. Just spend then with you. I'll finish up here, then we'll get something to eat and I'll take you back to mine. Sounds good?"

"Yeah. Sounds good."

  
  
  
  
  
  


"Are you sure this is fine? I can beg off of you'd like and we can do something just the two of us."

"It's starting to feel like you might not want me to meet your friends, Remus. Is that what's bugging you?"

"No." The answer comes nearly before he's finished. "No, I just don't want to throw you to the wolves if you don't want that."

"Very funny." Sirius reaches out across the space between them and pulls Remus close. "Are you sure you're okay with this? You've been trying to talk me out of it since we were asked."

"I might be nervous," Remus hesitantly says to the toes of his shoes.

"You think they won't like me?" Sirius bends to catch Remus' eye. "I'll have you know I'm very likable, Moons."

"I know that, everyone knows that. I know they'll like you. I just." He pulls his eyes up to meet Sirius' and worries his bottom lip with his teeth before continuing. "These people don't know much about me. We work together, we trade pleasantries, complain about work things, whatever but…" His gaze slips, to the window, to the door, then onto Sirius' hand that's holding his own. "Do you think we ever get to a place where we don't have to keep coming out? Is it ever not a revelation to love another man? I hate, I just, fuck. I just want to have a drink with my work friends, I'm not looking to be some fucking ambassador of queer. Is that stupid?"

"We could, I don't know, we don't have to make it obvious." It's been years, probably ten of them, since Sirius last tempered his preferences for anyone else, but it's one night. It's not like Remus is ashamed, he just wants his privacy, that's understandable.

"Yeah, no." The tone makes it clear that he's none too keen on going back into the closet either. "I'm just having a strop about it now, so I don't lose it later if someone acts like an ass about it."

"Come here.' Sirius tugs on Remus' arm just enough to punctuate his words. "We can do whatever you want. I'm not going to pretend that I don't want to get super handsy with drunk Remus tonight," he says while sliding his free hand around Remus' back and down into his back pocket. "But we can wait until we get home if you'd like. No one is expecting you to be a hero, Moons. We can do whatever."

"Forget it, it's fine. Plus, Professor Arsenau will be there and she's unlikely to keep her mouth shut anyway," Remus laughs into Sirius hair. "She's dying to meet you."

"I love your laugh."

"What?"

"I love your laugh. I don't think you laughed the whole first year I knew you, did you know that?" Sirius turns his head so that he's facing Remus again. "November of second year was the first time I heard you actually laugh. Pete tripped getting out of bed and fell face first into that disgusting pile of laundry James used to keep at the foot of his bed. You lost it. All red faced giggles. I tried forever to figure out why then, what about that made you laugh so hard."

"Hmmm. Is that why I remember second year as the year Padfoot tried to be funny?" Before Sirius can object, or say something in his own defense, Remus kisses him long and slow. "I was never laughing at Peter. I was laughing at the hysterical noise you made when you watched him fall. None of your efforts after that were ever as good, but you're the one who made me laugh in the first place, so I think you can count that as a win." Sirius makes a huffing sound that Remus can feel against his neck. "Oh, not happy with that, are you? You're so ridiculous. It's a good thing I like you, because you can be really obnoxious."

"You like me, Remus?"

"Against my better judgement, yes. Now, come on, they'll be wondering where we are." Sirius allows himself to be led from the room by the hand. He can't help but watch, as they move through the halls, the way that Remus nods politely at other teachers or returns the wave of a student or two. When three girls talking against the railing at the top of the stairs giggle and wave at Remus when they pass, Sirius can't help but flush with pride. Remus, on the other hand, let's out a quiet groan. "This part of your fan club, Moony? Professor Arsenau told me they're quite fanatic about you." Remus responds only by tugging him faster down the stairs. "Any chance you know when they meet? I'd love to sit in while I'm here."

"I hate you so much."

Sirius stops dead on the stairs and jerks Remus back to stand facing him on the step below. "We both know that's not true." Sirius can see the tension rising again, knows the way Remus' jaw tightens just slightly more on the left. Still holding him firmly by the hand he runs his free fingers through Remus' hair until he's got him loosely by the back of the neck,  _ It's up to you, love. Say no at any time _ , and draws him in to kiss him soundly. He's grateful he's gotten it right when it's Remus that reaches to pull him closer, opens for him in invitation, and Remus that whines quietly when he pulls away. "It's all done now." Sirius has been holding Remus' eye from the second he ended the kiss, too focused on what he's trying to do to notice the way the students around them have gathered in pairs and small groups up and down the stairs to whisper about what they've just seen. "Mr. Lupin kissed a man in the stairwell yesterday, will be all over the school by tomorrow anyway, let's go make sure the rumour sticks."

"I love you, you ridiculous idiot." Remus' smile is genuine and wide. "You love this kind of thing, don't you? This is like school with you all over again."

"If this was like school," Sirius says with a pointed look, "you'd be standing at a very careful distance from me and I'd be walking behind you to get a better look at your ass."

"The worst."

"You loved it."

"I hated every second of it."

"I don't believe that." Sirius says, eyes lit with what Remus recognizes instantly as mischief. "Drunk Remus used to tell me the opposite fairly regularly."

"Fuck that guy."

"Yes, please." The words are practically breathed into Remus' ear and he has to steady his knees at the sound. Pleased with the colour he's raised on Remus' neck, Sirius turns from side to side, breaking their little bubble of intimacy and catches the eyes of some of the lingering students. "Come on, Mr Lupin, we wouldn't want you to be late. We all know how you feel about tardiness." He's deliberately loud enough to make it clear the words are for the benefit of everyone, and ends with a wink at a girl standing a few steps down from Remus on his right. "Wouldn't want to have to…"

"No!" Sirius can't help but laugh as a fiercely blushing Remus pulls him the rest of the way down the stairs. He doesn't even have time to catch his breath before Remus has pulled him through the doors and pushed him against the front wall of the building. "You. Are an absolute menace, Sirius. Do you have any idea what they are going to be saying about me tomorrow?"

He's not actually angry, that much is clear, he's just not used to having his personal life aired so publically. "That you have a gorgeous boyfriend that loves you very much." Sirius squirms a little testing the way Remus is crowding him against the stone. "Now, for real, unless you want to see this through, you need to move. I think I might like this a little too much."

"Menace."

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


By the time they get to the pub they are nearly the last to arrive, but no one notices. These are loose gatherings with teachers coming and going as their schedules allow. The only guidelines, really, are that Thursday nights the pub is a place where you'll be able to find someone else willing to listen to your complaints about students, and the administration, and whatever other nonsense the week has brought you.

"Is the one who asked you out here?" They've only just come through the door and thankfully have not yet been spotted.

"Really? Are you going to be an ass about that? Because I won't tell you." Remus looks over his shoulder, eyebrows raised, before carrying on in the direction of the bar.

"Just want to see the competition." As much as they've spent the last two hours negotiating how much Remus wants to make public tonight, Sirius is still sitting back, determined not to take the lead. He stays the hand that would normally reach out and hook into Remus' pocket to stop them being separated and feels that old prickle of Grimmauld Place and pretending to be someone he's not.  _ It's just one night. He's not ashamed of you. He loves you. You know that _ . Sirius tries his best to believe the words all the way across the room.

Already at the bar with the full attention of the bartender, a man who seems to know him well enough, Remus is ordering for both of them. Sirius comes to stand at his side, careful to maintain space between them, even if it hurts, while they finish talking. "He's asking about you." Remus has to repeat the words again to shake Sirius out of his own head.

"What?"

"Todd, the bartender? He's asking about you."

"Okay. Just tell me what you told him so I can tell the same story."  _ Everything is too loud, where did all these people come from _ ? Sirius can feel his heart beating fast, too fast. He needs to get outside.

"Sirius. Love?" Remus has his face in hand in an instant. "Sirius, look at me. Hi. Hey. Are you with me?"

Sirius is anywhere but here. He's in Grimmauld hiding in the basement from his mother, he's crying at the top of the Astronomy Tower, he's in the next room while Remus has someone back to the flat, but he is definitely not here. Not now.

It's the smell that gets through first. Wool and cold air. The woods at dawn and Remus. Sirius blinks and finds himself pressed tightly to Remus' chest, a soothing hand moving gently through his hair. "Back now?"

"Shit. Yes. Oh, God. I'm so sorry." Sirius pushes back violently, he's supposed to be maintaining distance and instead he's needing to be held? The self hatred that follows his panic attacks is here in full force. "I'm sorry, you don't need this, I'll go. Really, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to…"

"Hey, hey, listen to me." There are arms around him now and he feels trapped, but not afraid. "Tell me what it was. I told you Todd asked about you, but I think you were already gone. What happened?"

"You don't have to hold me, I can, I'll be fine." Sirius can hear his voice is still shaky, but he tries to believe it anyway.

"What if I want to? What if I'm out with my beautiful boyfriend and I want to be able to touch him?" Remus moves his hand to stroke across the ridge of Sirius' cheek. "Is that what this is? Were you afraid I was going to be weird about this?" Sirius wants desperately to lean into the touch, but holds off.

"I didn't know. I just wanted to give you the chance, but then we got here and…" Sirius tries to shake off the feeling that he's still fifteen, still hiding, still afraid to be himself. "It felt like Grimmauld all over again. It was so real."

"It always is, love, but that doesn't make it true." Sirius feels Remus taking his hand, feels fingers slipping between his own, and wills himself to relax. "Todd was asking about you because he knew you were coming. Says you're even prettier than he imagined. It seems he didn't believe me."

"He knew?"

"Yeah. I'm not hiding, Pads. I don't want you to hide either. I just hate that it matters." The tension is finally sliding off his shoulders when Remus kisses his temple. "Would you like another minute here?"

"No, I think I'm good. Just stay close, okay? I'm going to need it."

"Always, love. Come on."

Remus' friends are lovely. The teachers take to Sirius quickly, he really is good with people, and are glad to have the chance to learn more about the reserved Mr Lupin. Sirius, of course, obliges with story after story of Remus as a student, eliciting more than one groan from the man himself, and more than a few comments about what a nightmare they both sound like to teach. "Sirius was a nightmare to teach, I was a delight," Remus says in response to a charms teacher named Cait.

"Don't let him fool you. Every prank I took the fall for was engineered in some way by this 'perfect student'. James and I used to say that he was the perfect straight man but in reality we were the perfect clowns. He played us expertly for years." Sirius drinks down the end of his pint and indicates Remus' glass. "Another?"

"You trying to get me drunk, Pads?" They haven't been particularly obvious as far as Sirius can tell, but Remus has been keeping a hand on his thigh under the table since they sat down. At this point, Sirius can't trust himself to judge what in their interactions comes across as the result of years of friendship, versus something more, but the look on Remus' face now is plain.  _ Okay then, let's go _ .

"Always. You know I like drunk Remus very much." He leans in to kiss him on the cheek before adding, "no one else loves me half as much as he does."

Remus grabs him by the collar as he moves back and guides him in for a proper kiss. "Sober Remus likes you just as much, he's just less messy about it."

"But I like you messy." Sirius is pretty sure the point had been made by now but it's too fun to tease Remus like this and he didn't want it to end just yet.

Remus laughs in answer and reaches for his glass to hand it over. "Anything for you, love."

In all the evening is wonderful. Sirius gets to put faces to the names Remus has been telling him about in their calls, and, unexpectedly, he gets to spend a decent amount of time talking about the work he's doing at St Mungo's, his plans for an expansion of the clinic, and the struggles he's having with financing. "Is this what you're going back for then, Remus?" It's Professor Arsenau, Lillian, Sirius reminds himself again, having been chastised earlier for using her title in place of her name.

"I'm actually going back for Sirius." It's odd to hear it said so plainly, and Sirius can't help but look over at Remus when his heart flips at the words. "I'll start back into my last year of school in a few months, but really this move is about us finally getting it together to give this a try."

"Oh! I'd assumed you'd been together for years," Cait says in surprise. "You must really be much thicker than you look, Remus. Has he always looked at you like that?" She's indicating to Sirius who still hasn't managed to draw his eyes away from Remus as he talks.

"Yes. Since we were kids." Remus laughs softly and kisses Sirius on the nose. "I promise I'm not too stupid to see it, just too afraid to do anything about it."

"And you?" Cait has turned her attention to Sirius now. "What's your excuse?"

"I pushed as hard as I could without scaring him away. What else would you have me do?" Sirius puts his hand over the one on his leg and squeezes gently. "I broke the law for him, ran away from home for him, became a healer for him, built my clinic for him, if you want to blame someone, don't look at me. Now, if you'll be so kind, I have a sleepy wolf on my hands. Ready to go, love?"

"Mmmm. Love this." Remus melts easily into his arms when Sirius drags him up out of his chair. "Love you too."

"Well, hello, drunk Remus. Let's get you home before you embarrass yourself, alright?"

"Okay, pretty boy."

"There we go. Just in time. Goodnight all of you, it's been lovely."

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


"That's enough, Sirius. Let's just go." Remus is teetering on the edge of exasperation. Sirius has been packing and repacking his rucksack of full moon supplies for the better part of an hour. "I'll be fine. I've been doing this forever by myself. I hardly think there's anything you could have forgotten that's going to make it any worse than it already is."

"Fine then!" Sirius starts aggressively shoving things back into the bag. "I'm sorry for trying to help!"

_ Fuck. Okay, this isn't going well _ . "Love?" Remus takes the two steps over to where he's crouched and runs his hands out and across his shoulders. "I love that you're helping me. I love that you're here, and that I won't be alone this month. I'm sorry, I am. I'm just really, really feeling terrible, and I want to go before it gets worse."

"Okay, yeah. Look, I'm sorry." Sirius tips his head back until it rests on Remus' chest and looks up until they can see each other. "I just...you know how much I hate this. That's not an excuse. Just tell me what you need."

"Right now?" Remus' hand comes up to run along the taut lines of Sirius' neck where it arcs in front of him.

Sirius' eyes dip closed without prompting. "Yeah."

"Let's get to the mountain. We'll get the stuff stashed, and then I'll show you the cabin where I've been recovering so you can try to get me back there in the night." Remus' hand is still moving over his neck and collarbone, so Sirius does little more than hum in answer. "After that I'd love it if I could just lie down on you for a while. Sometimes just having you close is really helpful."

"Then why haven't we been doing that? You always go off on your own at the end." Sirius stills Remus' hand with his own and looks him over with concern. "I thought you needed that."

"Wasn't my place," Remus says as he weaves their hands together. "I can't very well ask you to cuddle with me just because I like it."

"You know I wouldn't have turned you down."

"Maybe not, but I'm not sure I was really ready to deal with the implications." Remus squeezes their fingers once and lets go. "Ready?"

"Never."

"Perfect."

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


"Just one more, love." Remus' eyes are already closed, but sirius just needs a little more cooperation from him before he can let him actually sleep. They are back at Remus' now, tucked up in the bed that isn't really his, but had served as his, since he's been in France. "That's it. Last one." The night was as uneventful as they come really. They'd run until nearly dawn, up and down the slope, in and out of trees and snow and brush. Remus had been energetic in a way Sirius hasn't seen him in years making him wonder how much of the wolf's excitement was actually Remus' own at being able to show Sirius where he's been transforming for all this time.

It had been a bit of a trick to get the wolf back near enough the cabin before he'd transformed back, worn out as he was, but in the end he'd managed it, leaving them only a few hundred meters to cover naked and cold in the early morning light. The abandoned fire guard station welcomed them in with the embers of the fire Sirius had laid before heading out the night before and the pile of blankets Remus had been slowly stocking over all the months he'd been using the place. It wasn't until hours later, when Sirius woke again that he realized that Remus was burning up. Digging through his supplies he'd pulled out some paramol and coaxed a sleepy Remus into taking it before packing up their things and apparating them both back.

_ What would he do if he was alone? _ It's been a day of compresses, and fever reducers, and trying to get liquids into Remus whenever he's lucid, and Sirius is exhausted.  _ Probably assume he deserved it, I guess _ .

Remus' ability to care of himself has been a sticking point between them for years. Not because Sirius doubts him, but because Remus refuses to see Sirius' desire to look after him as anything other than an insult to his abilities.  _ But does he? _ Ever since Remus' first visit back to London, Sirius has been starting to notice all the ways he has been told these partial truths in Remus' bid to protect himself. If he says having Sirius close helps with the pain, he'll have to explain, so instead he insists on being alone. If he acknowledges that Sirius just likes caring for him, then he has to acknowledge why, so he pushes back _. So bloody stubborn _ .

He's on the phone to Lily the next time Remus wakes. He's been keeping her apprised of his condition and relying on her potions knowledge to keep him moving forward. "I can hear him moving. I'm going to go."

"Of course. Just stay in touch. You've only got until morning after next there, if we can't get him back to full strength by then, I'll look into people at the hospital there that we can trust."

"Thanks, Lils. I appreciate it."

The sight that greets him in the bedroom is not encouraging. Remus, it seems, has decided it's a good idea to try to get out of bed without help, and is now perched precariously on the edge of the bed, head between his knees. "Alright there?"

"Not remotely." His voice croaky after being unused for so long.

Sirius is already at his side, a gentle hand on his shoulder. "Okay then, what do you need?"

"Just wanted the washroom." Remus rubs both hands over his face, paying special attention to his sleep caked eyes. "Being this pitiful never gets easier, does it?"

"You're sick, Remus. Everyone gets sick." He's chiding, but kind. "Stop making this a pity party. Here I'll help you to the door, will that be enough?"

"I think so, I just got really dizzy when I stood up before." Remus takes the proffered hand and levers himself up slowly. "I'm pretty sure I just took it too fast. I should be okay."

Sirius takes the chance to strip and remake the bed while he's gone, buoyed by the sound of the shower running that tells him Remus is feeling well enough to feel gross. They'll spend the rest of the evening in bed, maybe the couch, if Remus is up to it, then try for some solid food and an easy trip out tomorrow. Just as Sirius is running through the take away places he's noticed on his way into and out of the flat since he got here, he hears the water shut off, and moves to find a clean set of comfortable clothes for Remus to change into.

"You didn't have to come get me," Remus teases when he finds Sirius on the other side of the washroom door. "I know, I don't have to do anything. I just wanted to. Let's get you back to the bed, I've got clothes waiting for you then I'd like to look you over and make sure you're doing as well as it seems." He wraps an arm around Remus' waist and walks loosely beside him, just in case.

"You love this, don't you?"

"Hmm?" Sirius looks up from where he's pulling the second leg of a new set of pyjama bottoms over Remus' foot.

"You genuinely like looking after me." He looks mystified.

"Of course. Always have. You know that." Sirius works with singular focus, never stopping to consider that other people wouldn't feel lucky to be trusted to put on another man's socks for him. "Okay lift up…"

"I can put my own pants on, Pads." There's no defensiveness, no hint of frustration, just that quizzical fondness again.

"Of course you can. And you will, once I'm gone, but until the day after tomorrow I'll be looking after you, whether you like it or not." He's matter of fact about it even as he breaks mid sentence to pull a t-shirt, his of course, over Remus' head. "I've never doubted that you're capable. I just don't see the point in you having to do everything when you have people who love you, especially when the universe has asked so much of you already."

"You're so strange."

"No." He's wrestling Remus' second arm through the shirt sleeves. "There's nothing strange about loving you, Remus. You're the only one who has ever thought that. And you're wrong. Alright." He kisses him on the forehead and offers him a hand up. "Let's get you out of this room."

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


"You sure you'll be alright?" It's barely six in the morning, but they've been up nearly an hour. Sirius is taking a portkey straight to the hospital this morning in time for a seven thirty meeting and he's been on edge since he woke up.

"I'll be fine, love. I promise." It's wonderful really, the way Sirius fusses over him even if, in moments like this, it seems to cause him more stress then is reasonable. "Here you go." Remus hands over the date book Sirius just found then put down and lost again when he got distracted by checking, yet again, that the fever hasn't come back. "I'm sure I can manage myself for four weeks."

"Can you though?" Remus' knows it isn't meant to sound condescending, but wow, what a thing to be asked. "As long as it's still okay, I should be able to come by after the moon and check on you, then you'll be home just a few days later."

"Come here you ridiculous worry wort." Remus steps out to block Sirius from leaving the bedroom and gently sets the papers he's holding onto the dresser by the door. Sirius almost resists being pulled into the hug, but relents as soon as he feels himself being wrapped tightly in arms feel like home. "I will send word to you as soon as I'm back after next month's moon. You do not need to come check on me. Lillian said she'd pop by for you if you wanted, and honestly, she looked so excited at the prospect that maybe you should just let her." Craning his neck a little to put enough space between them that he can see Sirius clearly, Remus bites his lip to suppress a smile. "You can just say you're going to miss me, you know?"

Sirius leans back in and tucks his head into Remus' neck. "I'm going to miss you."

"I know you are." Sirius doesn't even have to look to know he's wearing a shit eating grin. "Because you love me."

"Despite myself, yes I do."

"How much longer do we have?" Sirius is leaning into him properly now and he's acutely aware that they don't have long.

"Twenty six minutes," Sirius says, after checking his watch. "And I'm not finished packing."

"I hate this," Remus grumbles back. "Don't get me wrong, I'm going to help you, but I just want it known that I hate it."

"Noted. Come on, if we do this quickly we'll have time for a proper goodbye kiss."  _ He's actually pouting. I can't believe this utter moron is mine _ .

"Fine. But I'm not going to like it."

"Of course not, love. I wouldn't expect you to."

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


"Sorry I'm late tonight. Marlene was over and she made me promise not to call you until she left."

"Was she making fun of you, Pads?" 

"She might have said she didn't want to hear me being all gushy with you. She said she gets enough of that without actually having to witness it." 

"You've been talking about me?"

"Of course not."

"You're a terrible liar, Sirius. We've been over this." Remus turns himself until his legs are on the couch and readjusts until he's lying down, head on the arm, back tucked into the corner. Their call is late enough tonight that he's sleepy and lying here, with Sirius' voice coming to him from so close feels almost like having him here.

"She's the one who wanted to talk about wedding plans," Sirius says defensively but with no real feeling behind it.

"And how's that about me?" 

"I'm not supposed to tell you yet, Dorcas made me promise, just know that I'm not the one who brought you up, so I'm not taking the blame."

"You're so petty. I never knew you could win a conversation until I met you. I'm still not sure that's a thing to anyone else." He can't help but remember how jarring it was that first night at Hogwarts when James and Sirius went toe to toe for the first time. He and Peter had only been able to stand and watch as the two hard headed boys had it out about which of them got the bed closest to the window. Remus, being generally inclined to go unnoticed, and Peter, not yet accustomed to conflict of any kind, had watched eyes wide as the conversation turned argument got physical, ending with two roughed up but somehow laughing boys. Exchanging a look between them, Peter and Remus had just shrugged and dropped their things on the two remaining beds with no other thought than which was currently closest.

"You think I'm petty?"

"I think you're lovely."

There's a long pause on Sirius end. Remus can hear him breathing, can feel his own eyes closing. He wants so badly for it to be a month from now, for it to be Sirius he's pressed back into instead of this uncomfortable couch, wants to sleep in his own bed. "Did you mean what you said at the James and Lily's house?"

"You're going to have to be specific, love, I'm too sleepy for guessing." Remus yawns mid sentence as if his body wants to make the point.

"That day at their house when it was all wedding talk and babies, you said you couldn't stand it, is that still true?" This is quiet Sirius. The one who's vulnerable and so, so nervous the risk won't be worth it.

"You know we can't get married, Pads."  _ No matter how much I'd want to _ , is left unspoken.

"Neither can Dorcas and Marlene but they're not letting that stop them." They are finding a way around it and Remus has a tentative plan for lunch with Dorcas when he gets back, and a sneaking suspicion he'll be asked to stand for her on the day, to prove it. It's not that he hasn't thought about it himself, he's just spent so much of his life pushing those feelings down that he's not keen on dredging them all back up again. Part of him thinks this entire exercise has just been him digging through his buried thoughts, and it's exhausting.

"You want to marry me?" Remus is just close enough to sleep that he'll have to have this conversation again later, but he still wants to see it through, still wants to hear the answer.

"I want everything with you."

"I'd like that."

"Go to sleep now, Moons."

"Hmmm."

"Sleep well, love."

"Not until you're here."

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


"You're quiet tonight, what's going on?" They've been on the phone for a while but Remus is struggling to keep up his end. He's having difficulty wrapping his head around leaving at the end of the week, and if he didn't have Sirius to look forward to, and the work of getting ready to hand his students off to distract him, he's pretty sure he'd have spent the day in a full strop.

"I'm leaving at the end of the week." He's too late to catch the pitiful edge that permeates his words.

"You're going to miss it, aren't you? I know they're going to miss you." Sirius sounds nervous and Remus wants to reassure him, wants to tell him that he's happy with his choice, that he'd make it again, but the words are hard to find.

"I'm just having a bad day, it will pass," is what he musters.

"Are you… Would you rather stay?"

_ Yes. This is what I wanted. This, to teach, to be taken seriously, to be accepted for my skills _ . But he's got school to finish and Sirius waiting at home and even if, in this moment, the pull doesn't seem as strong as it once did, as it did even yesterday, he knows that in his right mind, it's what he wants. "No. I wouldn't. Are you really worried that I won't come back? I bought the tickets, and I've given my notice already, and everything, you know that." They are the right words even if he can't quite sell them.

"Just promise me you'll tell me if you change your mind?" It's the quiver in Sirius' voice that does him in.

"Oh, oh, love. No." Remus closes his eyes against the sound of Sirius drawing breath, then opens then again when he finds having nothing but the sound is making it harder to stand. "I'm coming home. I was never not coming home, I'm just feeling shitty about leaving here. I worked really hard for this, Pads, it's hard to let it go."

"What if you didn't? What if I came there?" Sirius is scrambling. This is too much. Remus feels that same itch that used to come when James and Sirius would get their minds set on something ludicrous in school. All at once he wants to give in to the idea of it, but he knows the right thing to do is to pull it back. "I could… I'm sure the interns could…"

"Sirius. I'm excited to come home to you, I'm excited to join your pack, I would never ask you to come here." Oh, shit. He hears it as soon as it echos back through the earpiece.

"You wouldn't… Oh." 

"Sirius, listen to me. Please, love. Just take a breath and listen?"  _ All this because I was pouting. How fucking selfish of me _ . "Are you there, Pads? Can you hear me?" Remus holds his breath for a minute and tries to listen past the way his own heart is racing. There he is, Sirius' breath is a little fast, more than a little ragged, but he's there. He wants to say, I love you, and I'll always come back to you, and there's nowhere I'd rather be than where you are, but those things were all true before too. He needs something concrete, something real Sirius can hold on to. "Are you in the living room?" Of course he is, they've only got the one phone, but it's simple, he can ease him back.

"Yeah…"

"Okay, great, love. Do you think you can make it to the bookcase?"

"Yes?" There's a jostling of sound over the line that tells Remus that Sirius has gotten up to move.

"Perfect. You're doing great. Can you see the box on the top shelf, just to the left of your old textbooks?" Remus can feel himself getting jumpy now. This seemed like such a good idea a minute ago. "Can you get it down and take it back to the couch?"

"The chair. Is that okay?"

_ He sits in my chair when we talk _ . "Of course. It's comfortable isn't it?" Keep him talking. Keep him here.

"Smells like you." He sounds so small, so lovely. It nearly hurts to hear him.

"Pads, that's… You sit in my chair because it smells like me? I love you so much."

"Love you too, Moony."

"Open the box, love."

Remus feels his breath catching, this might be a terrible idea. All he can do now is wait.

"Is this...are these? Oh my goodness, everything is here."

"Yeah."

"Moony this is…"

"Everything you've ever given me."

"There are rocks in here, Moons. I gave you rocks?" Sirius sounds, Remus can't help but think, the way he did the first time he held Harry. A little in awe. Like if he speaks too loudly the moment will break.

"Quartz at the Potter's the summer after third year, skipping stones at the river back of the farm, the camping trip in sixth, and the day at the beach when I first came back to visit," Remus takes a breath and pushes forward. "There's a piece of concrete in there too, it chipped off the ledge outside our dorm window a couple of months before graduation and you threw it at me."

"I threw it at you?" There's laughter there, just below the surface.

"Yeah." Remus takes a breath to choose his words. "James was teasing me about Fab and I said something about him just wanting us both to end up with redheaded babies, and you lost it. You shouted something about how you had better things to do than listen to us play happy families, then you threw that at me, and stormed out."

"And you kept it?" Sirius trails off into thought. "You kept it with all these gifts. Why?"

"It was a gift. You'd been dickish about Fab, but you wouldn't come right out and say anything about it. When you threw that rock at me, I got my answer." Remus remembers it so clearly. The way it had hit him in the shoulder hard and he'd locked eyes with James,  _ there it is then _ . "I'd never seen you jealous like that."

"Didn't matter though, did it? I was still too chicken shit to do anything about it."

"It mattered to me. All of it matters to me. I'm coming home at the end of the week because we've earned this," Remus says, now that he thinks Sirius can hear it. "I've waited too long to not give this everything. I'll finish school and apply to other teaching jobs, and we'll figure out what's happening with the clinic and the pack. We'll do it. You and me first, then everything else."

"Okay." It's distant, a little less than sure.

"You're still looking through the box aren't you?"

"Yeah." There's the sound of paper rustling down the line.

"You found the letters."

"I found the other letters. Moony. Holy shit, who charmed this box? It's huge in here." Trust good charm work to be the thing that pulls him back into himself.

"My dad did. He made it for me before my first day at Hogwarts. Said he wanted me to have a place to keep my things away from prying eyes." Remus laughs just a little, just quiet. "Not sure this was what he meant."

"Who cares what he meant, there must be a hundred letters in here! Are they all ones you didn't send?"

Just thinking about the things he'd written in some of them makes Remus blush furiously. "Yes. Could you… If you're going to read them, could you wait until we're off the phone?"

"It's enough to know they're here. I'm not going to read them, Moons. I just can't believe you kept all this stuff." Sirius exhales slow and loud. "I can't believe I gave you so many things."

"Bit of a puppy, aren't you, always bringing things back for the chance to get a pat on the head." Remus likes to joke, but he's gathered all these gifts so lovingly over the years, he really wouldn't have it any other way.

"Only with you." Sirius still sounds languid, all long vowels and soft sounds. "you kept all of it."

"Of course." Remus tries to match the barely there volume he's getting from Sirius. "They were from you."

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


"You've been out riding all morning, haven't you?" They are in arrivals at Heathrow attempting to stow the remainder of Remus' shrunken belongings into the bike's saddlebags.

"How can you tell?" Sirius looks up from where he's trying to balance a stack of boxes on the seat while he makes them a new home.

"You're in your leathers. Plus, you get jumpy when I fly." Remus uses his quick reflexes to catch the stack when Sirius accidentally topples it with his elbow.

"Maybe I'm just wearing them because you like them, have you considered that?" Sirius puts his hand out for the first of the boxes and looks up expectantly.

Remus is watching the way Sirius is taking so much care to be gentle to the bike as he moves. Opening the buckles with light fingers, brushing a soothing hand over the place where he knocks it by accident with his knee. "Considered and rejected. If you cared so much about what  _ I  _ like, you've have come by car."

"Don't hurt her feelings then expect her to be nice to you, Remus." The seriousness of his tone breaks Remus resolve and in seconds he's laughing. "Are you laughing at her? How dare you. And after she was nice enough to come all this way to pick your sorry ass up!"

"Sometimes I think you love this bike more than me," Remus says teasingly.

"Don't you joke about that." Sirius' voice is stern. "There are different kinds of love, aren't there baby?" He's talking to the bike, getting out ahead to make sure Remus hasn't hurt her feelings. "Just because you're jealous, Remus, doesn't mean you have to take it out on her."

"Jealous?" Remus tries to stifle the laugh desperately pushing its way up his throat. "You keep believing that, Pads. Can we go yet?"

"Fine, but be nice." Sirius straddles the bike and waves Remus on behind him.

He settles himself in, reaching his hands under Sirius' jacket and loosing his shirt to press flesh to flesh the way he knows Sirius likes it best. "Take me home, love."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me on Tumblr @astoundinglymade, because you are. Astoundingly made, that is. We all are, it's wild.

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on Tumblr @astoundinglymade, because you are. Astoundingly made, that is. We all are, it's wild.


End file.
